A letter for our sweet baby girl

It's August 17th, three days away from your due date. Your daddy and I have been waiting anxiously for your arrival for nine months, but more recently about two weeks. Everyday I wake up and wonder if it's the day you'll finally make your way into this world. I've sat and thought for hours at night what you might look like (I'm guessing like your daddy), who you'll be like (I'm guessing like your daddy) and can't wait to see if that's true. I've spent years waiting for you, to hold you, snuggle you, kiss your little cheeks and feet and here it is, ALMOST time for you to be here.

This last little wait is brutal. Not because I'm miserable, not because you're getting awfully big in there and taking up all the room, but because I'm so in love with you already and I can't wait to be your mommy. Looking back on it now it does seem like this last nine months has gone by quickly, but these last few days will not END! I've come to the conclusion that, like your daddy, you're stubborn already and will be here when YOU decide you're ready. That's ok, but if you could....could you try to be here in the next few days? There are so many people coming that love you, that want to meet you, that we don't get to see very often. So if you could hurry it up just a bit, we would appreciate it.

That being said, please know that whenever you DO come, you are loved, and adored, and treasured more than you will ever understand. We will give you the best possible life that we can, and will do our best to never let you down. If you would just GET here....we'd start trying to prove it :)

We love you darling, hope to see you soon.

-Mommy and Daddy

One is the loneliest number

I am 39 weeks pregnant today. I belong to an online forum of other women who are (or were) pregnant and due in August. I've made some really good friends on that site and last night/today the last friend that I had that was still pregnant is about to deliver her son. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for all of my friends that have had their babies, but it really does suck being the last one. My friend that's in labor right now was due the same day as me, August 20th. All the others were due much sooner, so of course I expected them to go before me, but I was really hoping that we'd go at the same time or me first, haha.

My last few weeks have been spent chatting with Stephanie (my last pregnant friend) on facebook, talking to each other about our symptoms and guessing as to who would go into labor first. She's been a life saver in helping me not feel so lonely when Kolt's at work and I'm home alone all day, and now..... she's about to have her son. I'm trying not to freak out figuring out what I'm supposed to do with myself for this last week until my family gets here while she's busy taking care of her new baby.

The biggest kick in the pants is that I thought I might have actually been in labor yesterday. It started out the night before last with some pretty intense lower back pain and lower abdominal cramping. Usually when this happens once I get up and get moving it goes away, this was not the case yesterday.

I went to lunch with two of my friends and I started having contractions during lunch. They hurt, but were manageable. I didn't start timing them because normally what seems to happen is I have one or two and then they go away. Well after my fourth one in about thirty minutes I was really starting to think maybe this was it. I had a couple of other errands to run after lunch and managed to walk my way through two stores and drive twenty miles home. Once I got home I got online and Stephanie started talking me through them and gave me tips on what to do. I finally asked her to time them....and that was the last one. OF COURSE. I was so frustrated. I was still feeling very tight in my abdomen, but no start and stop to it. I also felt a lot of pressure and pain that wasn't letting up, so it really was just very frustrating.

At around six o'clock I began to realize that I really hadn't felt the baby move much yesterday. She's been SO active, beating me up constantly and trying to get out it seems, and now I'd felt her move maybe a few times ALL day. I was talking to another one of my August mom friends, Danielle, and she convinced me that I needed to call or go up to the hospital to get checked out. Chances are everything was fine, but better to be safe than sorry if I even kind of thought baby was in distress. I took her advice, loaded the car up with all of the stuff I plan on having up there in case I'm admitted, and walk (waddle) up to the labor and delivery unit.

I've never been there before, well except for my tour, I mean to say I've never been a patient up there before. I walk in, apologize for not calling first but the number I have for them seems to be incorrect. I tell them I haven't felt my baby move almost all day and I'm concerned. I sign in on the computer (which seems to ask an insanely LARGE number of questions....if I was in labor that would have been awful!) and am immediately taken back to a room and hooked up to a contraction and fetal heart rate monitor.

I'm watching the monitors like a hawk. Once I figure out how they work I immediately realize I'm not having any contractions, boo. I'm also staring at her heart rate which seems to be holding steady in the 130's, which is her norm. Then I notice that I'm finally having some small contractions. The monitor rates them up to 100, 100 being the most intense, I was having some around 30. Better than nothing I suppose. I also notice that I see her heart rate dropping, as low as 105 at one point. No one is in the room with me to explain if this is bad or not, so I'm texting several friends and Kolt trying to figure it out. Then I finally have a GOOD contraction, almost 80 on their monitor. I figure at this point that the contractions are about 5-7 minutes apart. They then come in, disconnect me and say things look good and a doctor will be in shortly.

The doctor was REALLY nice. She said that they'd do an ultra sound to make sure baby's fluid levels were good in there and also check me for dilation since I was having some contractions. I got to see her on the ultra sound, but she's so big at this point all I can see are organs. They did confirm she's still a girl (thank GOODNESS, I've had a few moments of panic about this) and that everything looks good. She's even in the right position-head down, facing backwards- for birth. Next they check me for dilation....she says I'm AAAAALLLLMMMOOOSSTTT a two, and she doesn't do 1/2 so she'd say one. WELL, I'm calling it a two haha. She also said I'm 50% effaced, which is an improvement from 25% last week. And also that the baby is at -2 station. So over all I am making progress. They let me go home after that and here I sit today, Friday the 13th, waiting for the day to pass so Kolt can come home and we can enjoy a 3 day weekend, and hopefully go into labor.

At this point I truly have no clue when she's coming. I'm really glad I'm making progress, slowly but surely. I hope for Monday, but who knows at this point? She's coming when she wants, hopefully, unless she makes it to the 24th at which point I'm hoping to induce.

Next week will be great, my sister and in laws are finally coming to visit and if all goes well, I'm having a baby next week. I just have to get through this ONE last week, let's hope it doesn't drag too badly!

38 week appointment update

I went in to my doctor for a 38 week check up. Over all it went very well. My blood pressure and other vital signs were normal, 120/70 which was a HUGE relief. The other day we were at the BX and I used the BP machine they had there and it was 145/80, yikes! Must have been wrong or random. My belly measured spot on at 38 weeks, which is awesome. Baby girl's heart rate was in the 130's which is her norm. I was 1.5 cm dilated (up from 1 cm at 36 weeks) and 25% effaced "and thinning" he said, which is up from NONE at 36 weeks. :D So while it is slow progress, at least it IS progress, and I'm happy with that.

Only down sides were I'm group B strep positive, which basically means I have to have IV antibiotics during labor. Since I was planning on IV fluids anyways, truly it's no big deal. The other negative was in order to see my doctor again I have to wait until August 16th to go in....TEN whole days away, rather than a week. I'm really hoping I don't make it that long and she's here before then, but who knows.

Kolt is a little worse off today than the previous two days, which his doctor told him to expect. He said it feels like someone is "squeezing" his eyeballs, so he has spent most of the day asleep, where as yesterday he was awake a bit more. Hopefully this fades quickly and tomorrow he's doing better. I was kind of hoping to get out of the house this weekend!

So now my plan is to get up and get things going. Well, maybe after today since I'm still sick. Any time I'm actually up on my feet I can really feel the heaviness and it usually will give me contractions. I would like to be well before I go into labor, so hopefully this cold goes away soon. My doctor gave me some medicine to manage the symptoms which is very much appreciated.

We've decided on a name for our precious baby, only problem is we can't agree on how to spell it. It will either be Layla Olivia Harris, or Leila Olivia Harris. I'm a fan of Layla because that's the easy common way to spell it, and I worry about people pronouncing Leila "Lee-lah" or "Lye-lah". Kolt loves Leila because he thinks it looks prettier and his dad loves it because it's the Hawaiian way to spell it (his dad grew up in Hawaii). So....we're still working on that. But at least she has a name. When I heard Kolt tell our friend yesterday that we had decided and said it all out loud, it made me cry. Our baby FINALLY has a name!!!

We really are getting so close now. Two weeks to go, give or take. Come on baby girl...come out!!

Kolt's Recovery

Yesterday Kolt had PRK eye surgery. It's similar to the LASIK procedure but is the preferred method of the military, so that's what he had done. It was about a 4 hour wait for about a minute of procedure, but he can SEE now!!! So far his recovery has been relatively pain free, aside from the headache he gets from taking the percocet. The doctors recommend sleeping for the first 72 hours (as much as you can) so he's on percocet and phenergan and let me tell you, it knocks him out cold! He's been awake very little which has been great for him. He went in for a follow up today and they said his eyes look great. He goes in for one more follow up on Monday and then he can go back to work. The doctor did tell him to expect to feel worse tomorrow, so we'll see how that plays out, but over all it's been a relatively easy experience for him.

Today is Kolt's 30th birthday, holy cow! I can hardly believe it and when I think too much about it I freak out just a smidge. I mean, he's 30, we're about to have a baby....doesn't that make us officially "old'? Kolt doesn't seem to care about his age which is good. I've felt awful that I haven't planned anything for his big day but with surgery yesterday it made it kind of hard. And being the forgetful pregnant woman that I am, when we went to the store the other day I didn't even get anything to make him a cake :( LUCKILY we have a very good friend who asked me yesterday if I wanted her to make him a cake! It's like she knew how awful I felt and came to my rescue without even being asked. She made a triple layer chocolate cake with raspberry mousse and will be here shortly to deliver it :) BLESS HER! The good thing is Kolt does a pretty good job of spoiling himself with presents on a regular basis....so I don't feel bad about not buying him a gift. I'm hoping in September he and a friend or two can go deep sea fishing on the coast.

So now that his surgery is over with, I need to somehow let my baby girl know that she's free to come out! I've been sick the last few days with a cold or allergies (coughing, sneezing, congested, etc) and so I've been taking it easy. I need to get my behind off the couch and get working on getting her out! I'm not beyond comfortable yet but she moves a ton and there's just no more room and it hurts. I keep trying to tell her that the exit is NOT through my belly button, but she hasn't gotten it yet.

I think we have a name :) Not going to announce it yet, but I'm about 90% certain that we've decided on a name and spelling, yay!

If peaches could bring on labor....

I'd be all set! Kolt and I went to the commissary yesterday to grocery shop and I told him I'd really been wanting fruit, but the problem is their selection is less than ideal. So Kolt had the bright idea to take a day trip up to Fredericksburg to buy some fresh locally grown produce. It took about an hour to get there and really looks like an adorable little town. We got peaches, tomatoes, and a cantaloupe, and OH MAN is it delicious! I've had a peach at every meal since and am loving every second of it! I'm also going to attempt to make a cobbler with the peaches, a real cobbler with real crust, not the yellow cake topping that they seem to use up north. We'll be accompanying that cobbler with some pork chops, hot rolls, and carrots. Mmmm.

I've really been slacking in my domestic duties the last few weeks, and I feel AWFUL about it. Kolt, bless his heart, has been a trooper and anytime I don't feel like cooking he's not complained once about eating out. And it's not so much that I don't want to cook, it's more along the lines of I just can't think of anything decent to eat, rather than I don't want to cook. Once the idea hits and I get hungry for it, then I'm all over it, but I'm completely at a loss for what to make and Kolt and I both have kind of been tired of the same old stuff. Last week I did do a cherry glazed pork chop (I've really been loving the pork lately) and a DELICIOUS fruit tart. The tarts were much easier than I expected, although I did cheat on the crust and bought pre-made ones, but in doing that it's about a 10 minute dessert that really isn't all that bad for you if you go with light or fat free cream cheese and splenda for the filling! I was really proud of myself and will definitely have to make it for my family when they come to visit.

Ok, enough about food, you'd think I was starving since that's all I'm talking about but I really did just eat lunch lol.

On the baby front, I had my first real contraction yesterday and oh man did it hurt. Like nothing I've ever felt or experienced before, and it was much different than what I thought a contraction would feel like. It was a serious reality check for me and if that's what labor is, a whole bunch of THOSE stacked on top of each other, I know there's no way I can go with out an epidural. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not a hero and am not looking to suffer through my birthing experience. I'm open to anything and we'll see how it goes, but no longer am I thinking that I'll be able to "tough it out."

We finally got Kolt an appointment for his eye surgery, his consult is first thing tomorrow morning and hopefully before we leave we'll have a date set for the actual surgery. I'm thinking (wishing) that it will be sometime Friday-Tuesday. It's supposed to be a rough recovery and he needs at least a week. I'm really anxious for this to get done because once it's completed, that's the last thing holding me back from wanting baby girl to come. Not to mention Kolt will be able to SEE. Never having needed glasses myself I can't say I know what it's like, but I know it will be wonderful for him to no longer be dependent on the blasted things!!!

People keep saying that the end of the pregnancy goes by the slowest, and I know there's still plenty of time for things to slow down, but to be honest, I feel like time is FLYING by. Once I got to 32 weeks it just seems like everything is in fast forward. I mean, I'm almost 37 weeks, we've got just over 3 weeks until her due date. THREE WEEKS. Holy crap. Not that we're not ready, but this whole pregnancy has just been surreal and to finally, after all these years, get to hold my precious child, well, I honestly just can't believe we've finally made it.

Can't sleep

It's 2 am and I'm still awake. I'm sure I can blame it on several factors. 1- I woke up around 10:30 this morning, although that's really not that unusual for me. 2- I had 2 glasses of Dr. Pepper around 2030, although again, not THAT weird. 3- I had an awful headache and lied down from about 1700-1800, but I swear I didn't sleep. Whatever the reason, I'm still awake and Kolt's been asleep for about 3 hours and I just couldn't lie in bed, flopping back and forth side to side, trying to shut my mind down. I can NOT shut it down tonight. I don't really even have anything pressing on my mind, nevertheless, here I am NOT sleeping like I so very much wish I was.

I had the very distinct privilege of getting to be at the airport today when my friend Chrissy's husband Sean came home from deployment today. He's in the same unit as Kolt but I never got to meet him before he left for Afghanistan, so this was my first experience. I felt awful for her as his final leg home from Dallas was delayed by an hour (pretty much the WHOLE flight time as I think it takes about 45 minutes to get from here to there by plane.) It was a wonderful experience for me though and I'm so glad to have been a part of it. As much trouble as I was having last week thinking about Kolt potentially leaving next year, this made me feel better about it. They DO come home eventually. It's not forever, you get through it, they come home, and you move on. It's all part of the military life style we've chosen, and it's nice to see the flip side of a deployment: a beautiful reunion. Not that it makes me any more prepared to deal with it, but seeing the happy ending does help me to realize that it's worth it.

Alright, I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Hopefully I'm successful or I'm going to be a zombie tomorrow! Even more so than usual.

I really need to stop watching Army Wives

Thanks to my good friend Chrissy, I've become addicted to Army Wives. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a bunch of women who live on an Army base in South Carolina that are friends and who's husbands are in the Army. The men vary in rank from a Sgt. to a Two Star General. All in all I do find it to be mostly accurate of what it's like to be a military wife and it's nice to see something on TV that can relate to me and my situation.

Well this week, all of the men are deploying. One of the women is about 7 months pregnant I think and her husband is going to miss everything, the birth, and most of the baby girl's first year of life. I cried and cried and cried when I watched this, watched the women say good bye to their men, watched them load up in a C-17 and fly away. Not because I feel bad for them, I'm well aware of their fictional status in the universe, but because all I could think about was "how in the world am I ever going to do that?"

I know this is what we signed up for, and no Kolt doesn't have orders to deploy yet. His band is up for deployment beginning June 2011, so just under a year to go. Two of our good friends are tasked to deploy in November and found out in May, and so I'm hoping we will have that much time to prepare as well, but who knows? My best friend here had 4 days notice for her husband to deploy. So there's really no planning or telling when it's actually going to happen. But the fact of the matter is it WILL happen. Unless something major happens in Afghanistan, Kolt will go. And even if something did change over there I'm guessing they'd find somewhere else to send him. EVERYONE goes, everyone takes their turn. It's how it is and how we expected it to be and I'm not even going to entertain the thought that he might not go. It's absurd to think otherwise.

That being said, I do need to try and be grateful that he's in the band he's in and going when he is. I've got a friend that I met online who's husband is also in the Air Force, she is due the same day I am with her first baby boy, their 3rd child. Her husband is set to deploy in August and had to beg someone that's already there to stay two more weeks so he might have a shot to be there for the birth of their first son. He might get to be there for the birth and then he's gone for 6 months. I can't even imagine trying to raise our daughter through the first 6 months of her life alone. I can't imagine him not being there. So in that aspect I am very grateful. BUT, he will be gone most likely for her first steps, first words, first birthday. Lots of very important firsts, and there's no getting that back. I honestly think he'd probably rather be gone in the beginning and be around when she's turning into a toddler than miss what he's going to. It's no secret that he's not super crazy about babies but LOVES toddlers. So I can't imagine how hard it is on him to know that he's going to miss all of that.

I know that deploying will be best for him and us as a family in the long run. It will likely help his chances of being allowed to go to graduate school, it will help him with promotions down the road. It will be a good experience for him and is one of the reasons he joined in the first place. But the actual reality of him leaving, being gone for that long, tears at my heart. For my sake, but more so for our daughter's. That's why we'll move in with his parents while he's gone, so that she can be around grandpa (the closest thing to daddy she can get as they are JUST alike). I think it will be the best thing for her to have her Papa around while Daddy is gone. And I'm SO grateful for the chance to get to be around family and friends and not stuck here in San Antonio while he's gone. I'm not sure I'd make it if I couldn't have the family support.

I think it's just the hormones of pregnancy, of being close to delivery, and watching that wonderful but stupid TV show, but anytime I think about this I just start to cry. Words can never describe how much that man means to me. He may drive me nuts, he may be an ass some times and rough around the edges, but at the end of the day there's no one on Earth I'd rather spend the rest of my life with, and no one else I'd want to raise our daughter with. And the thought of being with out him, and my baby girl being with out her daddy, just breaks my heart.