Emotional Day

Three years ago today I lost my baby boy. A lot of healing has gone on in the last three years. It's taken me a lot of heartache and pain to get to the point where I can talk about him now without breaking down. Much of that is thanks to my precious baby girl. She doesn't replace him, but she helps fill the void his loss left in my heart. I will never stop missing him, or wondering what he would be like and that's ok. That's part of being a mother, the love never stops.

I was alone last year when this day came and went, and while at least I'm not alone this year, Kolt and I are apart, again. Probably for the best as it's not really something we do anything for. I also think that's one of the differences between being a mother vs a father. It's not to say that Kolt doesn't miss him or wish he were here, he just doesn't live in the past and has moved on. Part of my heart will always yearn for that little boy, now two ways around it, that's just how it will always be.

I am beyond grateful for my perfect daughter. She keeps me going when I'm down. It doesn't matter how sad I am or how hard I've been crying, one smile from her gorgeous lips and everything is ok. She gives me purpose and hope. I try the best I can to be the best mother to her I can be. I was given another chance through her to be a mother after losing two babies, and I don't intend on letting her, or them, down.

Today my thoughts are full sadness for what could have been, happiness for what is, and anxiety for what's to come. All things considered, we are very blessed, and believe me, I don't forget that.