Dreams

When Kolt first left, I hoped that I would dream about him frequently, that way we could be together, at least at night. It took a while before my dreams were of him consistently, and now that they are, I almost wish they'd stop. I underestimated how hard it would be to dream of his green eyes, his face rough with whiskers, his hands soft and strong. Every night I'm dreaming about him, and every morning I wake up expecting to find him there, and he's not.

What's interesting though is that almost all of my dreams of him aren't that he's home and we're a happy family, it's that he's still deployed, but able to come back for a temporary visit, be it a few hours or a day. So I'm always rushing to find him, to get to him, astounded by his presence one he's there, and feel rushed to soak up every minute of him until he has to leave again. My dream last night was so vivid that he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him for his deployment (one I've never seen on him as I had it sent to him after he left) and also a necklace I sent to him, one to which I have the matching other half - again, something I've never actually seen on him. THAT really threw me off and made my waking this morning particularly awful. It was so real, HE was so real. Normally I don't remember those specific details from my dreams. I miss him, so so much.

The only thing that helps ease that ache is waking up next to my daughter. I never intended to co-sleep, and we only do it in the early mornings, but I love having her there to help remind me that I'm not alone. Kolt told me before he left that he really didn't want me sleeping with her that much, so that when he got home we wouldn't have a battle transitioning her back to her own bed, he must have known I would miss having another warm body next to me. I imagine it's actually going to be really difficult getting used to sleeping with someone else again, it's a good thing we have a king sized bed I suppose.

I haven't been as down this week, but I'm still not myself. We're approaching the half way point in a few weeks and I think that will help. I suspect part of the reason I'm still not totally happy is because he's going to miss my birthday this weekend, and our anniversary next month. So many things he should be here for, but he's not. Oh well, it is what it is.