I need to loosen up. I have a tendency to freak out when things don't go the way I planned, or when my child is acting like the toddler she is, or when I have something that I want to do and it doesn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I had a bad day the other day. Leila was being more crazy than usual and acting up and breaking things and making messes (all of which I know are perfectly normal toddler behaviors) and by the end of the day, I just lost it. I made a whiney facebook post about it, got lots of good feedback and sympathy, and appreciated the ability to vent, but now I realize that it probably just made me look like an incompetent mother. Those with lots of kids or older kids all laughed I'm sure about my gigantic fear of having a second child and a toddler. "Haha just you wait, you think your life is crazy now? Muahahaha." Is what I imagine going through all of their minds. I'm not a neat freak, I'm not OCD about how things are arranged, but it does drive me bonkers when Leila gets toys out just to get them out and doesn't play with them. It drives me nuts when she decides she's done with her food and turns it upside down to empty her plate or bowl. It makes me crazy when I've asked my dogs for the hundredth time to stay out of the kitchen while we eat (because then Leila likes to throw them her food) and they keep coming back and begging for more.
It does me no good to stress about all of this. Logically I understand this. And yet I still lose my temper and scream at my dogs. I still cry after Leila has made a huge mess for the tenth time that day. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe not. I do know that if I'm going to survive with two kids and a husband that deploys semi frequently that I've got to learn to chill out. My kid is crazy but she's also incredibly smart and funny. She brightens my days up and is full of love and joy. She tests my patience but is also the first to come and hug me and give me a kiss when I break down from being stressed about stupid things. This is just a difficult age. Old enough to know what she wants, not quite old enough to always say so in a way I always understand. Strong enough to climb up on everything and try to jump off and fly, not wise enough to understand the danger. She will eventually get there, and I just need to try and enjoy the ride until that day comes. Because then I'm sure I'll see my little girl all grown up, and wonder what in the world happened to my baby.
**As a side note, we found out baby #2 is a boy! We couldn't be more thrilled.**
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It takes time Susannah to learn patients when it is needed I am doing a little better now but I still have a long way to go. I wish I could go back and do it all over again though and enjoy every stage with each kid because now I look back and feel I missed so much by keeping myself busy with stuff that probably really doesn't matter and being to OCD. They do grow up fast and mine aren't that old yet but old enough that I wish I could do things over. McKenzie has definately had things easier than the other two but it made me think alot when I was lifeflighted after having her and what I wanted to change. It hasn't been easy to make those changes and I am still working on it but I am trying!!
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