Now what?

There was all this build up to Kolt going to CST, then this build up to him coming home, then this build up to him leaving. Now he's gone, safe in Afghanistan, and I'm back home and I have this overwhelming feeling of...."now what??" I need July to get over with. I have nothing going on for the remainder of July and it has to go away. In August I've got Kolt's birthday and Leila's birthday party to keep me occupied. In September I have my birthday and my mom's. If I can just get out of July, I may just survive this thing.

I feel like I'm over all doing pretty well. Things out of no where will grab me and make me cry, like when I got home yesterday and saw his shirt hanging in my closet, or his swim suit on my night stand. I'm not sure at what point I'll really feel like he's not coming home in a few weeks like he always has. I am slowly realizing I have some control issues though. Very random things that I get hung up on because at this point in my life, I have hardly any control over anything. I know I'll adjust. I know I'll figure something out. I know that hopefully soon it won't seem like time is standing still. He's only been gone 10 days. TEN, out of 180+, sure makes it seem like we're getting no where. I have no clue at what point I'll feel like he's been gone a long enough time that the ache I feel is legitimate.

I spend a lot of time thinking about things I shouldn't, like wondering if Leila will forget him. I know within a few days of him being home it'll be like he never left and she'll probably turn into a daddy's girl immediately, but those are the kinds of things I think about. The kinds of things I wonder if other people think about or realize when they say "thank you for your sacrifice." The kinds of things people can't possibly understand unless they've lived it themselves.

I need to come up with a plan because like he said before he left, I HAVE to keep busy. Too bad I kind of suck at that. I spend most of my time checking my phone or computer to see if he's online. At this point he's not working yet and so we don't have a schedule or routine. It will help immensely when we do. If I KNEW he'd be online from 9-10 for example, then I could go about my day without wondering if he's gonna pop on and I'll miss him. It seems awfully pathetic and I've been advised to NOT do this, but I can't help it. When I see his name come up on the chat list, my heart leaps with joy. If you're in the area and reading this, please call me....going back and reading this now, it's obvious I need to get a life!