Energized

One month ago I started working out with a personal trainer. The first week I lost 6 pounds. I was FLOORED. "Oh my gosh, I'll be able to lost 20 pounds before he gets back if this keeps up!" Well, that followed with 3 weeks of up a pound, down a pound, up a pound, down a pound. I was beyond frustrated and was so done with the whole process of 'losing weight' that I wanted to quit. Not gain back all I've lost but just stop trying to lose and try to be happy with the weigh I currently am. I have several friends who are huge motivators to me who have talked me out of this multiple times and finally last weekend something HIT me. I can NOT cheat. I can't have a throw away day or two a week and expect to lose. I can maintain that way (thus the up and down a pound) but I just can't lose. So I committed to myself, my friend, my husband, that I would NOT cheat until Kolt gets home and really lock down my food intake. I spent the weekend watching my family eat chocolate peanut clusters, mint cookies, pizza, bread sticks, peanut m&ms, chicken wings, candy, ice cream, all of my favorite things. I bought frozen low calorie meals, and protein bars, and salads instead. I made the conscious choice to resist the crap food of the season and focus on my weight loss. And it PAID off, I lost 3 pounds since Friday and am the lowest weight I've been in a long time. Tonight I'm going to a church Christmas party, those things are not known for healthy choices, so I opted to eat dinner before hand so I could calculate my calories. It's small things like that, and asking for the nutritional info at restaurants that are helping me lose again now.

I'm so proud of myself. My new "skinny" jeans that I could barely squeeze into are sagging and almost falling off and I'm seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "I actually look good. I'm not fat anymore." That in and of itself is a HUGE step for me. I'm no where near done, honestly I'd still like to lose 15-20 more pounds, but that can come in time, and it should. I'm hopeful to lose at least 5 more pounds this month, well really 7 if I'm being honest, before Kolt gets home. I feel like if I can keep this up, it's possible.

I have 2 huge mile stones coming up. 1- in 2.6 pounds I will no longer be "over weight" according to the BMI scale, 2- in 1.6 pounds I have lost 80 pounds since I was fully pregnant with Leila. I've come so far, I have to remember that when I get frustrated. I still have room to improve and want to continue to do so. I feel like I've adopted a healthy life style and it should be easy to maintain. I want to be a good example to Leila, be able to get down and play with her. I don't want to walk into a room and wonder if all anybody thinks is "wow, she's fat." I want to be confident and be more like the person I was when Kolt met me.

It's been a lot of sacrifice, especially during this junk food fest season, but no food, no matter how delicious, is better than feeling beautiful, confident, sexy EVERY DAY. When I get down to where I want to be, I'll allow myself a treat on occasion, it's not realistic to expect to NEVER have those kinds of food, but at least now I know that I don't need it, nor do I really want it anymore, and that is a success all by itself.

On the Kolt front, we're down to a month or less now. We won't know the day he'll be back until about 2-3 days ahead is all. But we have a good window. I do know now when I'm leaving (about 90% sure) either the 4th of January or the 7th, depending on who goes down with me. So at most I have 25 days until I go back to Texas, and that just makes my heart sing. Soon enough my heart will be whole again. There is much to be grateful for and celebrate right now.