The downfall to working in healthcare

Is that people are always sick, always hurt, and always need caring after. Kolt is working tonight (Christmas Eve) and the next two nights. He was supposed to work last night as well and got called off, and for that I am very grateful. We made caramel covered bugles and watched a movie. I just really wish he could be here on Leila's first Christmas eve.

We went shopping for her yesterday to get her a present from Grandma. I wanted to get her a gloworm but was afraid it would be impossible to find one this close to Christmas. Well, we happened to find one in a random spot on a shelf far away from where it was supposed to go. I snatched it up so quickly! I eventually found out where they were supposed to go and they were out, so we were SO lucky.

Kolt and I talked about not really getting Leila anything because at this age she just really doesn't need much and we have so little space as it is we don't want to feel any more crammed than we are. Well, that didn't work out so well. We found three other toys that we just had to get for Leila. One of them is a cookie monster that talks when you shake him....it's HILARIOUS. I think we ended up buying him more for us than Leila, we can't stop laughing when we play with him. We also found a teddy bear that reads "The Night Before Christmas." We pushed the button to start him talking and Leila could not stop staring at him. She was truly mesmerized. I had told Kolt I wanted to buy a copy of the book and make it a tradition to read it to her before bed on Christmas Eve, and found that instead. I didn't want to insist on buying it, so after he finished the story I went and got in line. Kolt stood there, staring at it, and picked it up and brought it to check out. How that man LOVES his little girl. He will buy her anything she wants as she has him wrapped around her little finger.

I plan on playing the teddy bear tonight with her, in front of the Christmas tree and I will video it and upload it on here. Watching Leila hear the story for the first time was truly like watching Christmas magic and spirit pour into her. I will never forget the look on her face....I'm so glad we bought the bear.

We plan on skyping with our families tomorrow to try and spend some time with them. Last year on Christmas we didn't really celebrate at all because we had bought furniture and it was a huge let down. I was 6 weeks pregnant and Kolt didn't want me telling his family yet, but I did tell mine. Over all it just wasn't a great way to start off our first Christmas alone. Even though Kolt is working tonight, I am very much looking forward to our first Christmas together as a family and, to be honest, can't wait to see what I got and how Kolt likes what he got. I'm still a kid that way I suppose, and I hope that never changes.

Videos

Leila has been working hard this week :) First, she rolled over from back to tummy (which according to the books she isn't supposed to be able to do until 6 months, she's not quite 4 months) she's also working hard on talking. That girl just coos, and slobbers, and gurgles ALL day long, I LOVE it. Here are two videos of her accomplishments this week. The first is her roll over, the second is her attempting to "razz." She's hasn't quite gotten the razz yet, lol.

I think I'm feeling a little better emotionally. Guess it's just going to come and go. Part of the reason I'm feeling better is because I finally made it to the gym this week! I'm down even more weight and I've lost 38 pounds since having Leila. I've got 11 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight, and then a ton more after that, but I think at the rate I'm going I'll be back to pre-pg by then end of January if not sooner. I'm doing much better than my planned goals which really makes me happy. It certainly helps with the self confidence.

Kolt has the next week off after tonight. Then he works the 23-26 :( But then has a whole bunch more time off. I'm hoping we can do something fun, even if it's just going down town and walking the riverwalk and seeing the lights.

On her own

My little girl is sleeping in her own room now. We decided it was probably time since she completely fills her bassinet. It's been really great and I think she loves her new bed. She has much more room to roll around and the vibrating feature and sounds that come with the pack n play are awesome. I was a little paranoid at first, but we have a monitor and I'm pretty sensitive to it. She still ends up in bed with me in the mornings so I can sleep in, but I don't mind snuggling!

Leila is really starting to figure out how to use her hands to grab things. I saw her in the rear view mirror in the car playing with her new teething toy. Usually I hand her things and they just sit there, but this time she was actively playing. Sniff. What a big girl.

Reina had a puppy. Just one. We named her Kallie and so far she seems to be doing well. It's weird only seeing one little puppy in there with her, but I'm so relieved that we only have to worry about selling one. I can't wait til she's a little bigger and opens her eyes and plays! Puppies are so fun, but I definitely don't want to keep her.

I have a friend who has a son with a heart condition. I follow her blog and he's been doing very well and was supposed to undergo open heart surgery in January to correct the problems. Well a few days ago his oxygen levels were dangerously low and he ended up being life flighted to a bigger hospital and had to have surgery. It was only a shunt that was put in for now and they'll have to wait until he's 9 months to fully correct the problem. It was very touch and go but he seems to be doing very well now. If you are at all interested in following his story, here is the link for his blog www.preciousmason.blogspot.com Neysa is an incredible mother and I love reading her blogs.

I seem to be going through some sort of inner crisis, turmoil, confusion, or whatever. I don't know really how to describe it other than I keep thinking that I'm falling short. I thought maybe it was guilt over not working, but we don't NEED me to work and with Leila refusing the bottle, I have no option to work until she's older anyways. And even that isn't about the money, just more that I think maybe I'll feel better about myself if I can contribute in that way to our family. I don't just want any job though, if I were going to be away from my baby at all, it would have to be doing something I love. But I'm not completely convinced that's what my problem is.

I'm just kind of in a funk, where I feel out of place. I LOVE being a mother and being at home with Leila, but I guess I just feel like I'm not very good at it. My house is cluttered with stuff that we have no room for, and it just always feels like there's something I need to be doing, but don't. And she's not even old enough to be making the mess. How's the house gonna look when she can destroy it in seconds??? I'm not a very crafty mother either and that bothers me too. I just really lack in creativity with that kind of thing and feel like it's not even worth my time to try. I'm not sure how to shake this feeling of inadequacy, but it needs to go away soon or I might start to really feel down on myself. Hopefully the holidays will help.

I am happy to say that I'm all done Christmas shopping and have those presents wrapped. I can't say the same thing for Kolt, but he's been really busy with work. Plus, Kolt is a procrastinator. He'll probably wait until right before Christmas and then be hating life because of all of the blasted people crammed into the stores. Poor guy, hope he gets it done soon!

No word on Kolt's deployment yet. Like I keep saying, we expect it any time and hope it comes sooner rather than later. The more time Mr. Last Minute has to get the mile long check list of stuff done, the better. Also, the more time we'll have to plan my move back to Idaho. The more I think about that, the more my head hurts. It's going to be a logistical night mare, and if I'm already stressed about it, I can only imagine how that stress will multiply. That's just NOT going to be any fun at all.

Alright, I suppose that's enough for now. Hope the Holiday Season is treating you all well. I'm sure there will be more posts before Christmas.

Christmas Pics

I have the MOST beautiful daughter in the whole world, of this I am certain. I mean, just LOOK at her! Much love and thanks go out to Chrissy for taking these pics. It will be very unfortunate whenever one of us gets transferred and my subsequent children will not have her to capture their beauty. Goodness knows I haven't taken any pics of Leila other than with my phone. It was a blast to shoot these and for the most part, she cooperated.

After the photos, Chrissy and I went out to lunch all by ourselves! No babies for either one of us. It was very nice and very much appreciated. I didn't text Kolt once during the whole lunch to ask if she was ok, and he also didn't bother me :) A big step up.

But with every step forward, it seems we take two steps back. I've been wanting to get back to the bottle and make sure Leila will take it like she used to. That did not go well. Kolt tried for almost an hour to get her to take a bottle. 45 minutes of which were spent with her screaming her head off. I tried and she seemed interested in it, wanted to hold it and chewed on it, but would not latch on to drink. Sigh. We're going to get a different kind of bottle and hope that we have more success. If not, then I'll never get to go anywhere for longer than an hour or so. She's still eating about every 2 hours which means I can't leave for very long.

On top of not taking the bottle, she's been struggling to go to bed. Pre-chicken pox she fell asleep on her own around 9. I'd get her in jammies, put her down, and she'd lie back there just fine, even if she wasn't going to sleep yet. This is a thing of the past, apparently. Getting her to bed this week has been a nightmare. I've conceded that she's simply staying up later now, more like 11 rather than 9, and so I've quit trying to put her down earlier. Hopefully she'll eventually adjust and come back to a more reasonable time. She is thankfully, sleeping late as well. Those stinking chicken pox just messed with her in more ways than one.

At the beginning of November I made a commitment to myself to eat better and lose weight, setting goals for the first of every month. Well today is December first and my goal was to lose 5 lbs from Nov 8 til now. Not only did I lose my goal of 5, but another 1.6! I was very pleased with myself considering how little I exercised and the fact that it was Thanksgiving. My goal for December was 8 lbs, and I'm already 1.6 into it. If I push myself I may be able to drop ten, but we'll have to see how it goes. To show the progress I've made, here is a pic from when Leila is one week old, versus me now, at almost 15 weeks post partum. All I have to say is...barf. I know I'd just had a baby, but good gosh I look awful! Which is so unfortunate because Leila and my mother look fantastic. Oh well, at least I'm moving in the right direction.

This week has made me realize how closed off my life really is. Two of my three girl friends just deployed to Afghanistan, (which I'm happy to report they have almost made it there and are safe and well). Chrissy is all I have left, and she lives on the other side of town. She is no where near the hermit I am and has far more friends than just me. I have no clue how to branch out and meet more people though. We're only allowed to associate with other officers and the bulk of the people on base are enlisted. Plus, it seems that the officers' neighborhood is full of people who are in a much different place in their lives, mid forties, much older kids, been in the AF for years and years. I just don't know how to go about making friends, and it feels rather pathetic. I've never really been the type to have a whole bunch of friends, just a handful of really close ones. And like I said, two of the three I've made have just left and it's likely that I won't see them again for a year between their deployments and Kolt's. I'm just not brave enough to go knock on doors and introduce myself. I feel like if they were looking for friends, they'd be knocking my door and no one has done that since we got here, other than our old neighbors who have moved away, and never spent any more time with us than that first introduction anyways. I guess I could look at it from the point of view that Leila and I will be moving back to Idaho once Kolt deploys, and when we come back we won't be living here anyways. All I can hope for is that Chrissy doesn't get sick of me, or I'll really be out of luck.

We DID get a Christmas tree as you can see in the first picture of Leila. It's beautiful and I'm so happy we did it. Leila really loves to look at the lights and shiny ornaments. The next project is getting the outside lights up. I feel like we're slacking, but I need to remind myself it's only December 1st!

Thanksgiving

This has truly been a time of reflection and humility as I had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with people who I can truly describe as, the salt of the Earth. Allow me to explain....

I've had a bit of a bad attitude lately. I've been mildly bitter because my husband has been going off and having fun with his friends, doing all the things he normally loves to do, while I've been stuck at home with a sick baby. He of course always asks if I mind if he goes, to which I always reply, "no." But I've been sitting at home stirring with jealousy and self pity because my life had become so difficult and boring.

He asked me Monday night if he could go on a hunting trip with a work friend, possibly an over night one. Being the nice wife that I am, I said yes but of course was a little peeved that he was leaving us AGAIN to go have fun while I was left at home alone with Leila.

A little while into Tuesday he asked me if I would bring Leila and come out to the ranch where he was and spend the night with him. It wasn't that far from home, the people were wonderfully gracious, and this way we would have friends to spend Thanksgiving with. I said I would, but inside I was very apprehensive and even a little miffed about going. How fun could it possibly be to spend Thanksgiving with perfect strangers? We were supposed to stay home, cook ribs, and finish decorating our tree and I was annoyed that he had seemed to have forgotten this fact.

The Zuckero's are truly good old fashioned country folk. Grandma and Grandpa, as I was instructed to call them, have a very simple yet fulfilling way of life. They served us vegetables locally grown and sold, they immediately took to Leila and hugged and kissed her as if she were their own. They welcomed us with open arms and I'm embarrassed at my attitude going into it.

Grandma never even batted an eye that she had two more mouths to feed at Thanksgiving dinner, and in reality, seemed truly happy to have us there. Her pecan pie was the best I've ever had (sorry to say that Mom) and her dressing was to die for. She prepared it all without any stress or chaos. It always seems at my house it's a mad dash to get everything cooked, trying to figure out the order the dishes need to go in the oven, and there's no time to really sit and enjoy each other's company. While at Grandma Zuckero's house you couldn't even tell she'd prepared ten different dishes. I don't know when she did it, but they were all done, on time, still warm, and delicious.

My favorite part of the entire trip though was after the blessing was said, everyone went around and said what they were grateful for. Grandma simply stated, "I'm grateful for this one right here," while she patted her husband's hand and got choked up. That's all she said, but all she had to say to let everyone know that after almost 60 years of marriage, she was still crazy about her husband and felt blessed to sit by his side. It was something to truly be in awe of. They weren't overly affectionate or lovey dovey, but you could tell how much love and respect they had for one another.

I felt ashamed for the feelings I'd been having lately. I have a wonderful life. There will always be food on the table, we'll never have to wonder how the bills will be paid. We have a family that loves us and supports us, even from across the country. But most of all, I have a dedicated husband and perfect daughter. Who cares if after a hard days or weeks work he wants to unwind by driving his car? Who cares that Leila had the chicken pox and I spent a week taking care of her? WHO CARES???? We're alive, well, happy, and blessed beyond measure. I have everything I could ever ask for and more. Shame on me for my self pity.

I hope after another fifty years to follow the example of Grandma and Grandpa Zuckero. I hope to be sitting by his side at the dinner table, surrounded by family and friends, and getting choked up by my love for him and our life. It's something to work for to be sure, and something to spend the rest of my life aspiring to.

Farewell my Friends

The day started out easily enough. We ran into the Nesbits on our way into the air port, we stood around talking for a while. It was great to get to see them all and I'm really glad we went to say good bye.

Then it came time to say goodbye. There really were no words, I mean, what do you say to people you've come to love so much without completely breaking down? As you can see, I did anyways. I truly think it's one thing for a man to join the Armed Forces, and another thing entirely when a woman, a mother, a wife does. There's just something incredibly brave and selfless about a mother who would leave her babies to take care of the men and women who fight to keep us safe and free. Both the Nesbits and the Sanders have two little boys at home. Their dads are amazing and I know will do a phenomenal job taking care of them, but sometimes you just want/need your mother. But those husbands understand that sometimes life is more about you and your little bubble of happiness, and I commend them and their incredible wives. God Bless you my dear friends, we love you and will keep things running on the home front, just come back safely and come back soon.

Reality Check

Kolt and I spent the afternoon with our very dear friend, Capt Annie Nesbit. She and another of our good friends deploys for Afghanistan on Friday. We've known this day was coming since May, but the fact that it's actually here, that they're leaving is just surreal. I have so much respect for these women who are leaving behind their families with young children because they know there's more to life than enjoying your little bubble and never getting outside of it. They are genuine real life heroes and I'm very thankful to know them and to be called their friend.

All that being said, it makes me realize that Kolt will be leaving soon too. He hasn't received his tasking letter yet, but it's got to be coming soon. I keep thinking that I'm going to be such a mess, that I'm not going to be able to handle it, but honestly, what choice do I have? I have ALWAYS HATED it when women make the comment, "I don't know how military wives do it. I could never be separated that long from my husband." Maybe this is just me taking it personally, but I always want to respond with, "Why? Do you think you love your husband more than I love mine because I CAN be separated from him? Do you think that you just stop living when they leave and crumple up and die?" NO. You just keep on keeping on. You go about your life, your days, weeks, and months because what choice do you have? Especially when you have children. This has been one of my biggest pet peeves. I see people make that comment on facebook all the time and it drives me bonkers. "I don't know how you do it." Ug. Just don't say anything if that's all you can think to say. Or when they make the comment "I'd never let my husband join the military." LET him?? It's not a matter of let. My husband had the selfless desire to serve the country he loves so much, how selfish and ungrateful would I be if I just said, "Um, no. Let someone else's husband do it." Where would we be as a nation if no one's husband, son, brother, father served? It just really makes me appreciate how incredible my husband is, and to be honest, how amazing I, along with the countless other military spouses are.

I've gotten side tracked and I'll step off my soap box now. This has been on my mind for quite a while, but I just wanted to remind myself of it before I start whining that I won't be able to do it. Of course I can, and I will. Not yet thank goodness, but soon enough. Watching my friends leave just makes it that much more real that within the next 6-7 months I'll be standing at the air port saying good bye to him. Ug. I may have to deal with it eventually but I think for now I'll try not to think about it, and instead turn my focus to the holidays, that is a whole different post, however.