The day after

Kolt's deployment date got shoved forward by about 3-4 days. To err on the side of caution we bought my return ticket for July 2 because: 1- it was cheaper than the days surrounding it and 2- we figured it would be better to buy it later than earlier and risk his date getting pushed back and me having to fly home or pay to stay longer. When we realized he was leaving way sooner than we thought I called to try and change my flight to mid week so I could get back home. In order to do that it was $250 so needless to say I'm staying in San Antonio all week. This however, is a HUGE blessing. I'm crashing with Chrissy and there is no one in the world that I could have picked who would be better for me right now. She's been there, done that, survived and conquered. She gets it. Most of my friends and family do not. I still very much appreciate the support, but there's something to be said about crying/venting/talking with someone who knows what you're going through. It's going to be a blast being with her this week and I appreciate the fact that they're allowing me to disrupt their lives for a week.

I think the next 7 months is going to be a really good filter for my friends. I remember Chrissy talking about how you find out who your real friends are during a deployment and I can already tell she's right. Some people genuinely care, will drop everything to be there for you, try to make things as easy on you as possible, and some will just stop talking to you and go about their own lives. It is what it is, some people are worth their weight in gold, and some are just dead weight. I'm beyond blessed with an amazing support system, I have no problems pruning the friendship branches if need be.

It's been really weird seeing on Facebook and in the store that everyone else is still living their lives as though all is normal. Oh wait, the world doesn't stop turning for me? Of course not, that was a bit of a shocker to see and realize....that the world doesn't revolve around me and what's going on, that everyone else still has a life to live and I will mostly have to deal with this on my own. Hopefully soon my blogs will stop talking about how much I miss him, or that he's gone and will focus on what Leila and I are doing. That may be a bit yet though, if it bugs you or you think I'm self centered, feel free to not read my blog.

Speaking of my little punkin....she has top teeth now :) :/ She's had a fever since friday off and on and finally one of the nasty buggers poked through and the second is quickly following. I realized this because she was grinding her teeth. I had to stop, search around with my ear for the sound, only to look at my baby girl and say "is that awful sound coming from YOU??" She already eats really well but I think this will really help her get all that food down. I just really really hope she doesn't bite me and our nursing relationship can continue with no hiccups. As weird as this sounds, I was comforted by being able to nurse her yesterday. Everything has changed this year including her, but at least that is one constant in my life....for the time being.

I will update on Kolt with what I can when I can. It will still be a week or two before he's actually where he's going in Afghanistan (and we still don't know where exactly that is). He's excited to get there and get going on his new job, it's the getting there that takes forever.

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful outreach of love and support I've experienced already. I really do appreciate it!

On to the next phase

I need to write more often. So much has happened this month and now I'm scrambling to remember it all to get it down. There will be time for all that I suppose, this blog however, is to talk about today.

He's gone. Finally the dreaded hour has passed and all of the anticipation and worry and anxiety about that moment of saying good bye is over and I'm looking forward to moving on. It wasn't any worse than I thought it would be, but it certainly wasn't better. I had moments where I thought I was going to throw up all over the place, others where my heart was beating out of my chest. I had moments of sheer panic, pride, relief, sadness. The biggest part of my heartache is knowing all that he's going to miss in Leila's life in the next 7 months. I will mostly be the same and he and I will get to communicate one way or another, but it's hard for him to "see" her while he's away. Even with skype and pictures and videos I don't think there's anyway to prepare him for the shock of seeing how much she's grown for when he gets back. But it is what it is, part of what needs to be done so that our country can stay safe. I'm so unbelievably proud of him. Seeing him all geared up in his ABU's and 5000 bags that the Army issued him, watching people watch us, see me cry, see him hold his daughter and get teary eyed....it just made me part of a very elite group of military families and I finally feel like now I can say I'm an Air Force Wife. Not that those who's spouses don't deploy aren't real military spouses, but truly, it's a whole different ball game when you cross into this realm, and I'm PROUD to be a part of it.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. There has been all of this build up to today that now I kind of don't know what to do now. I'm in Texas for the rest of the week, then back to Idaho where some of my family is that I don't get to see very often. But after that I'm afraid of having this huge feeling of emptiness and loss and a lack of a sense of purpose. Some of his last words to me were, "Stay busy." He knows me, knows I'm a homebody and that I don't go out and do much which is the exact recipe for LONGEST DEPLOYMENT EVER. I'll worry about the next phase when I get home I suppose. We'll just have to take it one day at a time.

He left behind most of his civilian clothing. Last night I noticed a shirt that didn't get washed and I have no desire to wash it. It still smells like him and I think I'll appreciate that. Does that make me weird? Oh well if it does. I'll do what I have to to make it through this as easily as possible.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, or treat me with kid gloves or anything. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think this will be hard on me. I'm scared, I'll be lonely, I'll get frustrated, but I WILL get through it in one piece. We picked this, together. I stand by him in everything and deployment will be no different. I love him so much and I look forward to seeing how our relationship will be strengthened by this journey. He's an amazing man, my best friend, my hero and I love him more than anything.