It went from 85 to snowing in a matter of 3 days. My brain is having a hard time processing this. Partly because it was SO warm and I was able to take Leila outside whenever she wanted-now she stares outside the patio doors and cries because she wants out and I won't take her, and partly because Kolt left in the summer. It was HOT when he left, 100+ in San Antonio. I've been waiting for fall forever because that means we're one season closer to him coming home, but how is it possible that half of a year will pass and he wasn't here with us? Leila had just learned to crawl, couldn't talk, barely had enough hair to put in a pony tail and now she's taking steps all by herself, talking up a storm and has bed head that would put most teenage punk rock boys to shame. I don't understand how time can stand still and march right on ahead just the same. Leila will be an entirely different little girl when he comes back than when he left. I WILL BE an entirely different person when gets home too, I'm afraid.
This deployment is changing me, in some ways good, some bad. I feel like I'm becoming more independent and stronger. I used to stress out about spending $10 without talking to Kolt first (my own doing, not his) and now I can shop and buy whatever I want and not have to discuss it with him. I really enjoy that kind of freedom. I can call people and yell and be mean and demand things get done because he's not around to do it for me. In these ways I've grown a ton. I can take care of my daughter, the dogs, the bills, the car, EVERYTHING, all on my own. I definitely couldn't have said that before he left. But it's taken it's toll on me now too in ways I hadn't anticipated. I suffer from panic attacks now. Out of no where, this overwhelming, crushing anxiety will just consume me, to the point where I can do nothing but cry. I worry that Kolt will hate what I've done with Leila while he's been gone, I worry that I won't save enough money, I worry that he'll have changed so much that things won't be the same when he gets home. I worry that he won't come home at all. I worry about managing an entire household on my own again. I worry about when we should have our next child. I worry about Leila's lack of sleep and wonder if she's EVER going to sleep through. I worry about Kolt getting his GRE and CCRN taken and passed. I worry about him getting in his application for grad school. I worry about him deploying again. I worry ALL. THE. TIME. And sometimes it gets out of control and I turn into a complete mess. Even typing all of this out, I can feel my pulse race and the stress building up in my chest. I didn't have this issue before. Sure I worried, but not the point that it gave me panic attacks. I really hope it goes away once he's home, because I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. The only thing that calms me down is talking/chatting with him. He is the voice of reason in all of my internal insanity. If I can't talk to him to calm me down, then all of the stress just builds up until I melt down. This is not something I expected to happen, and I don't like it at all.
Our anniversary is in a few days. I spent several weeks working on writing out a book about me and Kolt, a collection of memories if you will. I sent it to him last week and it got there early, so he opened it. I worried (big surprise!) that he'd think it was stupid and I almost didn't send it, but he said he loved it, and I'm so relieved. It will be wonderful to have and to add to as the years go on and be able to look back and reflect on our lives together. I'm so glad I did it and so happy he loves it as much as I do.
