Life would be so much easier if it didn’t hurt for baby to get teeth. I almost think it would be better if they were like animals and were born with them. I’m not one to question God or His methods much, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I think He kinda screwed up here, or just has an evil sense of humor. I mean, why make a baby feel miserable, achey, feverish, fussy, when they have ZERO ability to tell you what’s wrong? Seems kinda crazy if you ask me.
We lucked out with Leila’s first two teeth. They were just there one day. Both of them came right through with no warning. I was elated and felt SO lucky that I wasn’t one of those moms who was in the middle of teething hell. Leila’s next two teeth (her top two) came through with a little more of a fight. Poor baby had a fever, but was still her pleasant, happy self. No real behavior modifications. “Phew!” I thought, “Those top two are supposed to be the worst, we should be home free.” Yea, right. Now I’m eating my words.
I’ve come to the point where I really am starting to feel like a failure as a parent. Sounds harsh, but it’s how I feel. Before we moved up to Idaho, Leila had been sleeping through the night without much issue. Maybe she’d wake up once or twice, but I’d nurse her, she’d go back to sleep, and I lie her back down in her bed. No issue. Ever since we got here her sleep has gone to complete CRAP. She won’t go to bed until 10pm or later. She just isn’t tired, even though she woke from her last nap around 3-4. She wakes up about 30-60 minutes after she initially goes down, and about every 1-2 hours after that ALL. NIGHT. LONG. She doesn’t stay awake for very long, if I nurse her she’s back to sleep in a matter of minutes. That’s the easy way to do it, and because I’m exhausted, that’s what I’ve been doing. But lately I keep thinking I need to cut back and eventually eliminate the night feedings. I mean, this child is almost a year old, she should NOT need to eat at night. And she doesn’t, she nurses for comfort and I feel like crap every time I feel like I should take that away from her. Through all of the craziness that has been this year, nursing is the one constant in her life. I don’t want to wean her yet, not even kinda close, but I would really like to have her sleeping and not nursing at night, especially since she used to do it.
Last night was just horrible. She woke up every hour all night. I had decided I would try the rub her back and “shh” her, well that didn’t work, she just got up and stood at the edge of her crib and screamed her baby obscenities at me. So then I picked her up to snuggle her thinking maybe that would work. Nope. She didn’t want to be snuggled, she wanted the boob. She fought me and tore at my clothes until I finally started crying and gave in. And that’s why I feel like a failure, because I take the easy way out. Everyone keeps telling me, “You need to just let her cry it out. She’ll be fine and will eventually learn that it’s time for bed and will stop waking up.” The thing is I CAN’T let her cry. It screams against all of my maternal instincts to ignore my screaming baby and leave her alone to be scared and sad all alone. She’s had enough to deal with, without me suddenly leaving her alone to cry in the dark. Maybe when she’s older I’d be willing to let her cry for 5-10 minutes, when I can reason with her that, “It’s bed time honey, you need to sleep. Mommy loves you.” But my experience with Leila has taught me that she is more stubborn than I am. She’ll cry and scream and work herself up so much that even when she does eventually calm down, she’s still sniffling and sobbing in her sleep. Maybe it’s my fault. I’ve coddled her and snuggled her and loved her, her whole life, and because of that she doesn’t have the ability to self soothe. Does loving my baby make me a crap parent? Have I turned her into a spoiled brat already?
It’s the old school way to let them cry, but I’ve read research articles that say the stress levels babies reach while crying it out have damaging effects on the brain. AND, it teaches them that when they’re sad and want mommy, she’s not coming. That just seems so sad and wrong to me. “Too bad baby. It’s bed time and you need to sleep, so I’m not going to snuggle you. Deal with it. Go to sleep.” That’s how it plays out in my mind. And if I was a subscriber to the CIO method, I would have ignored my teething, miserable baby last night, so how is that ok? There is a reason she’s not sleeping. Right now it’s teeth, at first it was the transition of moving houses and sleeping in a new place every few days. There is a reason for it, because she used to be able to sleep all night.
My question is, what am I supposed to do? We share a room, so I can’t really leave her to fuss even if I want to because she SEES me. She knows I sleep in there too. I guess I could move to the couch for a while. But even then, what do I do? I need someone to tell me because I’m approaching my wit’s end. I’m exhausted, which makes me moody, which makes me depressed and miss Kolt that much more. I don’t need that nor do I want it. If anyone has helpful suggestions, please offer them. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
