Life would be so much easier if it didn’t hurt for baby to get teeth. I almost think it would be better if they were like animals and were born with them. I’m not one to question God or His methods much, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I think He kinda screwed up here, or just has an evil sense of humor. I mean, why make a baby feel miserable, achey, feverish, fussy, when they have ZERO ability to tell you what’s wrong? Seems kinda crazy if you ask me.
We lucked out with Leila’s first two teeth. They were just there one day. Both of them came right through with no warning. I was elated and felt SO lucky that I wasn’t one of those moms who was in the middle of teething hell. Leila’s next two teeth (her top two) came through with a little more of a fight. Poor baby had a fever, but was still her pleasant, happy self. No real behavior modifications. “Phew!” I thought, “Those top two are supposed to be the worst, we should be home free.” Yea, right. Now I’m eating my words.
I’ve come to the point where I really am starting to feel like a failure as a parent. Sounds harsh, but it’s how I feel. Before we moved up to Idaho, Leila had been sleeping through the night without much issue. Maybe she’d wake up once or twice, but I’d nurse her, she’d go back to sleep, and I lie her back down in her bed. No issue. Ever since we got here her sleep has gone to complete CRAP. She won’t go to bed until 10pm or later. She just isn’t tired, even though she woke from her last nap around 3-4. She wakes up about 30-60 minutes after she initially goes down, and about every 1-2 hours after that ALL. NIGHT. LONG. She doesn’t stay awake for very long, if I nurse her she’s back to sleep in a matter of minutes. That’s the easy way to do it, and because I’m exhausted, that’s what I’ve been doing. But lately I keep thinking I need to cut back and eventually eliminate the night feedings. I mean, this child is almost a year old, she should NOT need to eat at night. And she doesn’t, she nurses for comfort and I feel like crap every time I feel like I should take that away from her. Through all of the craziness that has been this year, nursing is the one constant in her life. I don’t want to wean her yet, not even kinda close, but I would really like to have her sleeping and not nursing at night, especially since she used to do it.
Last night was just horrible. She woke up every hour all night. I had decided I would try the rub her back and “shh” her, well that didn’t work, she just got up and stood at the edge of her crib and screamed her baby obscenities at me. So then I picked her up to snuggle her thinking maybe that would work. Nope. She didn’t want to be snuggled, she wanted the boob. She fought me and tore at my clothes until I finally started crying and gave in. And that’s why I feel like a failure, because I take the easy way out. Everyone keeps telling me, “You need to just let her cry it out. She’ll be fine and will eventually learn that it’s time for bed and will stop waking up.” The thing is I CAN’T let her cry. It screams against all of my maternal instincts to ignore my screaming baby and leave her alone to be scared and sad all alone. She’s had enough to deal with, without me suddenly leaving her alone to cry in the dark. Maybe when she’s older I’d be willing to let her cry for 5-10 minutes, when I can reason with her that, “It’s bed time honey, you need to sleep. Mommy loves you.” But my experience with Leila has taught me that she is more stubborn than I am. She’ll cry and scream and work herself up so much that even when she does eventually calm down, she’s still sniffling and sobbing in her sleep. Maybe it’s my fault. I’ve coddled her and snuggled her and loved her, her whole life, and because of that she doesn’t have the ability to self soothe. Does loving my baby make me a crap parent? Have I turned her into a spoiled brat already?
It’s the old school way to let them cry, but I’ve read research articles that say the stress levels babies reach while crying it out have damaging effects on the brain. AND, it teaches them that when they’re sad and want mommy, she’s not coming. That just seems so sad and wrong to me. “Too bad baby. It’s bed time and you need to sleep, so I’m not going to snuggle you. Deal with it. Go to sleep.” That’s how it plays out in my mind. And if I was a subscriber to the CIO method, I would have ignored my teething, miserable baby last night, so how is that ok? There is a reason she’s not sleeping. Right now it’s teeth, at first it was the transition of moving houses and sleeping in a new place every few days. There is a reason for it, because she used to be able to sleep all night.
My question is, what am I supposed to do? We share a room, so I can’t really leave her to fuss even if I want to because she SEES me. She knows I sleep in there too. I guess I could move to the couch for a while. But even then, what do I do? I need someone to tell me because I’m approaching my wit’s end. I’m exhausted, which makes me moody, which makes me depressed and miss Kolt that much more. I don’t need that nor do I want it. If anyone has helpful suggestions, please offer them. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
we didnt let emma cry it out either..and when we finally sleep trained her, she was so stubborn she would undo it after a week. So eventually we just came up with a routine that finally worked. Granted, she still doesnt sleep like a champ, but it slowly gets better. Once we eliminated all the night time feedings she finally slept through the night...but it took from when she was 12 mos to 18 mos old to finally wean her. Until then I was up with her a minimum of 2 times a night, sometimes more. you might want to try offering leila a sippy cup with water in it at night when she wakes up for the feeding you want to eliminate. Just do one at a time and be patient with yourself and her...its a hard process and even harder for you with Kolt gone. If we didnt have a new baby right now I would just say come here and we can work on it...good luck
ReplyDeleteI know CIO is tough. I downloaded Ferber's book to my phone in an act of desperation and exhaustion and what he had to say made a lot of sense. It isn't as cruel as some (letting them cry until they fall asleep regardless of how long that is). With Ferber, you go in at set intervals which get longer and longer and you pat, soothe each time, reassuring that you are there and haven't abandoned her. Essentially, he says babies have to LEARN how to sleep on their own. Right now, she's using the boob as a "prop" to get back to sleep. She doesn't know how to put herself back to sleep on her own. We did it with Cooper around 6 months when he was doing EXACTLY what you're describing and it worked in less than a week. I was getting up 4, 5 and 6 times a night-- now I might get up once to find his paci for him, most nights, not at all. The longer you wait to change the behavior (unless you accept it!), the worse it will be. Good luck, mama. I know you'll figure it out!
ReplyDeleteHe also says there are exceptions for teething and sick babies and that a little "refresher" may be needed once they're well. The way I look at it is that I did him a favor by increasing his independence and natural abilities to sleep. Starting with healthy sleep habits continue for the rest of their lives!
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's ok to disagree with me. It's just what I did and it worked for us.
Hang in there! I think around that one year mark is hard on the sleep schedule. They are not a new born any more but still seem like a baby! When I got frustrated I read the book "healthy sleep habits happy child." I really liked it. I wish I had read it earlier! I think you have to get frustrated enough to be willing to do the crying out. I felt terrible too and looked for any other way. But in the end we had to do it. My advice is (since Kolt is gone) get someone else to hang out after you put her to bed and you leave for a bit. I would go do our grocery shopping or something and leave Steve home, otherwise I would be in tears and end up going in. It only took a couple of nights. Even if you decide you don't want to let her cry the book is still good. It talks about sleep and how much sleep kids need. Hayden still goes to bed at 6;30 or 7 thanks to that book. Don't beat your self up! Good luck!!
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