Been a long time

I have not been able to keep up with this the way I used to. The fact of the matter is my sweet baby boy has ended up being a gigantic handful. He cries almost all the time unless he is being held, even then he still cries or fusses about half the time. He is a sweet heart and a huge mama's boy. He was sleeping fairly well until his 4 month shots, and then he got a fever, I cuddled him the next couple of nights and he has refused to let me put him back in his bed since. It has been a long, exhausting, and difficult 5 months.

I complain a lot, and I'm not proud of it. I was not prepared for a difficult baby. Leila has adjusted well for the most part now, though she did struggle initially. We have just been going day to day and haven't done anything exciting. We are about to take a trip home to Idaho in April and introduce the little monster to the family. They are all so excited to meet him. He really is quite the charmer as long as he has the attention he wants from who he wants it from.

I do want to talk a little bit about his sweet side, lest I forget, because it's not what I focus on but it is what I want to remember. A few of the adorable things about this kid are:

- He has the dorkiest laugh. It's kind of like a dog squeaky toy. It cracks me up and is infectious.
- He is insanely ticklish. Any time I change his clothes or his diaper, he laughs like it's the most hysterical thing, ever. It's quite endearing and my favorite thing about him.
- He LOVES his sister. Absolutely adores her. His eyes always follow her any time she comes into his vision. You can tell he's dying to play with her and I look forward to watching their relationship grow this next year.

He will be 5 months in a few days. He can roll from tummy to back (has been able to since about 8 weeks) but rarely ever does. He can not roll from back to tummy yet, but that's probably partially my fault. He doesn't like to be put down and so he has not had the time on the floor that Leila had by this age. He can't sit up yet either but is trying to. He is a BIG boy. At his 4 month check up was 16.5 lbs and almost 26" which puts him at 75% all around. He squirms like crazy in bed. He's a tummy sleeper due to his acid reflux and will frequently start out on one end of his bed and when I go to get him upon waking, has entirely flipped  around. I think he will likely crawl early, which will be a blessing and a curse. Leila was a late crawler and walker and looking back now, it's easier that way. However since Lucas doesn't like to be put down, I think once he can crawl and explore, that will help his neediness immensely. It will make taking care of him much more difficult though. Leila is to the age where she can handle smaller toys with little parts, those will all have to move to her room I suppose.

Leila has been moved into our largest guest room and is in a queen sized bed. She picked out an adorable horse bedding set from target and loves her room. She is also obsessed with princesses and refers to herself as "The Princess" now. Every dress is a princess dress and she rarely wears pants anymore. She is not yet potty trained due to her own stubbornness. Her speech is very developed and she makes us laugh every day. For the most part she's an easy toddler who just wants her way when she wants it.

Kolt is gearing up for his second deployment. His time home certainly has gone quickly. I can't give specifics as to when he is leaving, but it's fairly soon. Training included he'll be gone about 8 months. I worry less this time about how much I'll miss him, (though of course I will, terribly) and more so on how I'm supposed to take care of two children, one NEEDY baby, a house, a yard, dogs, the bills, the cars. It's very overwhelming. Last time we moved home and so all I really needed to do is survive the distance and time, this time life will continue on as usual, only Kolt will be gone. I have excellent friends who I know will help take care of us, but I still stay up late almost every night worrying about all of the 'what ifs.' I used to be able to fall asleep easily, and you'd think with a baby who sleeps so rarely that I would barely make it to bed each night, but it's not the case. I can't shut my brain off with all the worry and I usually lie awake for 1-3 hours before I fall asleep. Hopefully that goes away soon because I'm certainly tired of it.

I have had to re-begin my weight loss journey as I gained 54 pounds with Lucas. Blah. At least I started out at a healthy weight, but it has been difficult. I've realized that eating well is no longer enough to get the weight off, I HAVE to exercise. So I've been doing weight watchers and Insanity and have lost 34 pounds so far. I have 20 to go to get back to my pre pregnancy weight with Lucas and 40 to my ultimate goal. We have so drastically changed our eating and lifestyles that I do feel like this is attainable and sustainable. In the past when I've lost weight I've gone back to eating horribly afterwards again, but since we don't eat that way anymore, I ought to be able to keep it off, finally. I turn 30 in September and I'd like to be at or within 10 pounds of my ultimate goal. Six months for 40 pounds is completely reasonable. I will most definitely keep everyone up to date about it, simply because it's something I like to focus on and obsess over while Kolt is gone. I tend to lose weight more easily when he's away and it's a great place to channel my energy.

I think that's about all. I will try to update more often, though it's hard to find a quiet moment where I don't feel like I need to be working out or cleaning. I only write this morning because we're up early and I worked out hard last night and am not quite ready to get at it this morning yet.

Lucas is here!

Well after 9 months of waiting, our sweet baby boy decided to make his appearance on Tuesday. He came exactly on his due date just like his big sister. I read the other day that only 5% of babies actually come on their due date. I imagine having two children do it is more like .5% :)

Here's the birth story:

Tuesday when I hit 40 weeks I had my final appointment with my doctor. I went in very anxious and ready to get the show on the road. My induction was set for Oct 30th and I was hoping to move it up to the 26th. The doc changed the induction date and gave me a very thorough membrane sweep. At that point I was 4cm, stretchy to a 5, and 75% effaced. She said she'd be shocked if I made it past 48 hours, but she'd been wrong before.

I went home and played cards with my mother in law and made lunch. At noon I started having contractions ranging from 4-6 minutes apart. The doctor told me to go in to labor and delivery if I had contractions 5 minutes apart for an hour since I was fairly progressed already, she suspected I would go quickly.

I timed the contractions, not dare hoping that they'd stick around but sure enough an hour hit and they were still coming. We got ready to go and my father in law drove me in since Kolt was at work. I headed up to L and D and just knew they would fizzle out by the time they hooked me up. They kept coming and were about 4 minutes apart, but when they checked me I was still 4cm and 75% effaced. The doctor said because I wasn't making any progress they may send me home and she went to go talk to the chief resident. After several minutes the nurse came back in and said "From the three options we discussed earlier (staying, going walking for 2 hours, or going home) which one did I want?" So I said "well I'd like to stay." And she said "Ok, lets go get you checked in." I was so relieved. I did not want to go back home and wait for them to get closer. We went onto the unit and Kolt went to go tell his family what the plan was. While waiting for him the doc came in and we discussed options. She said because I was due and the contractions were regular they were going to keep me, but because I wasn't progressing they would start a low dose of pitocin. I had been hoping to have a med free birth and asked her if I could walk around and then maybe could they break my water. She said that would be fine, so I left the unit to go find Kolt with instructions to come back at 5pm (it was 3:30 at that point). We walked down to the cafeteria and got everyone but me dinner and I paced the room. The contractions weren't getting any closer but they were getting stronger. At 5pm we went back upstairs and I got checked in. Around 5:45 they checked me and low and behold, I was pretty much the same. 5 cm and 75% effaced, -2 station. She said the baby was too high to feel comfortable breaking my water so she wanted to start pitocin. I said I trusted her judgement and I waited to get my IV.

With Leila it ook 4 sticks to get it in, thankfully it only took once this time. They started my pit on 6 (I guess it goes up to 40) and I handled it really well, it hurt but was manageable. After about an hour (so around 7pm) they came in and checked me again. 5cm 75% effaced, -1. Because he'd moved down some they decided to break my water. I knew this was the point where it would probably start to hurt really badly. The nurse told me that I'd need a bolus of fluid prior to getting the epidural, so if I wanted it she'd need to do that. I decided to try out a couple of contractions and see how it went and then asked how long the bolus took. She said about half an hour. Right then I got a contraction and it was every bit as awful as I remembered it with Leila. I asked for the bolus and to get anesthesia in there for the epi. I was in no way ashamed or disappointed that I'd need it. Pitocin on a broken water is just simply too much for me or most women to handle. No shame in that at all.

I got my epidural around 8pm and at that point we were trying to decide what to do with Leila. She had been there with my in laws but was getting tired. We wanted her there to meet the baby as soon as possible, but didn't want her to be overly tired and grumpy. Around 9 we called our friend to come and take her because I wasn't moving along very quickly. Shortly after that a nurse came in and asked if I was feeling pressure. I said I was but no pain, so she left. I noticed the next few contractions after that were starting to hurt. Then I felt like my body was pushing, even without my trying to. I told the nurse to come back in because I felt like it was time. She took a peek to see if the baby was coming out, he wasn't and said she'd go get the doc to check me. It took a few minutes and I was starting to think he was going to come out on his own if they didn't hurry. The doc came in and checked me, said I was ready to push and asked me to do a 'practice push'. I did and he said 'ok let's have a baby.'

He gowned up quickly and everyone was getting ready for his birth. They had me push and about 5 pushes and a few minutes later at 9:38 pm, Lucas Thayne Harris was born. I felt him come out, there was a fair amount of pain, enough that I feel like I got a semi natural birth, and I'm perfectly happy with how it went. They placed him on my chest and he screamed right away. They cleaned him up and he looked great. He weighed in 8lbs 10 oz and was 21" long. We were all shocked at how much he weighed, he didn't look chubby or huge to me, but he's a big baby!

Because I could feel a lot during the birth, when they came at me with the needle to repair one minor 1st degree tear, I panicked. I looked at them and said, "Um, I felt him come out, please make sure I'm numb enough for that!" The doc checked and thankfully I couldn't feel it so they proceeded. Funny how you can push a human out of you and it doesn't scare you, but see that needle and a big "oh hell no!" came over me. Haha.

His birth was pretty fast and furious once it all went down. He's such a great baby and we're home now. Leila was a little upset when she first saw him because she was pretty tired but she absolutely adores her baby brother. A little too much and she feels like she always has to hold him, which is a little difficult. I'm sure she'll get over it and eventually not need to touch him every second, but I'm grateful she loves him. I was afraid she would hate him, so this is working out well.

I can't believe how much I love this little boy. He's such a sweet heart and so tiny (no matter what they said up on the floor, he's itty bitty compared to Leila!) and loves to snuggle. He's got lighter brown hair and blue eyes, very different than Leila. He has SO much hair, I can't believe it. I plan on getting some new born pictures this weekend and will post them as soon as I can. All I have for now are pictures on my phone so for now this is the best I can do.

The very end of pregnancy is torturous for many reasons. First because the baby you've been growing for nine months is huge and takes up all extra room and makes you miserable. I attempted to put on shoes with laces the other day, what a joke. This is why I wear flip flops 95% of the time. It was like trying to bend over a bowling ball. As the baby 'prepares for delivery' he drops, which puts an insane amount of pressure on your bones and pelvis and hurts like nothing else. And there's no relief. Lying down in bed only works for a little while before the weight of the baby puts enough pressure on my blood vessels and nerves that I go numb on that side and have to flip over. THAT is a laughable event all it's own, turning over to my other side. It goes on like that all night long so that the longest amount of sleep I've gotten at once in months is 2-3 hours. I actually look forward to sleepless nights caused by breast feeding, instead of pain and discomfort.

Aside from the physical agony, the emotional agony is equally awful. Hoping every pain is the start of labor, wondering constantly when the dang kid will get here, EVERYONE you know calling, texting, facebook-ing you and asking 'had that baby yet?' Do you honestly think I'd have the baby and NOT tell the entire free world? Really??? This baby is going to be gorgeous, you'd better believe I'll be spamming everyone with pictures. Thanks for asking and reminding that I'm still pregnant with no end in sight though. I appreciate it.  (I know it's all in innocence and excitement, but gosh it gets old).

I spent most of last evening/night thinking I was finally going into labor. (This experience is new for me because I never actually did with Leila, my water broke without me having contractions and so they whole timing them thing is foreign). I went to the store and noticed a TON of pressure walking around. I was anxious to get home and go for a walk to 'get things going' and we did. Following Kolt's walking  pace is no easy task when not pregnant, imagine trying to keep up with that man 9 months pregnant (think quack quack quack, waddle waddle waddle). He kept me speed walking for about half an hour and then we went home to watch the debate.

I wasn't having any contractions but had a lot of pain and pressure. I got Leila to bed and went to bed myself and around 11:30 felt my first contraction. I ignored it, figuring if it was really starting, there would be more and whenever I bust out my contraction counter app, inevitably they stop. After several more contractions I decided to start timing. They were about 10 minutes apart and I was starting to get excited, thinking this was possibly the start of it. This continued for about three more hours when I finally realized that they were slowing down and then I fell asleep. This morning I was still in a lot of pain but no more contractions. Blah. Stupid false labor kept me up all night long for no good reason.

I have my next appointment on Friday and then another appointment on the 23rd, my actual due date. If I make it to the 23rd we'll schedule an induction at that point. I'm hoping I don't make it that far and even though last night's 'excitement' wasn't the real deal, it's my body gearing up and baby will be here this weekend. Fingers crossed any how.

And I promise, you will all be getting texts/pics/info if something legit is happening. I won't let anyone know until I'm admitted and we're certain it's going to happen. If it's the middle of the night, we'll let everyone know at an appropriate hour the following morning. Hopefully it happens soon.

Having a rough time lately

I'm never going to write about how my kids sleep ever again. It's just an invitation for them to prove me wrong. Leila's sleep has of course gotten very messed up. I can't figure out why and it stresses me out beyond belief because I won't be able to keep doing what I'm doing once the baby is here. I keep hoping it's a phase and will pass, but coming on three weeks into this new trend and I'm beginning to think it's a permanent change.

I've gotten a lot of advice on how to fix it, some wanted, some not, and I realize that if I don't want to hear other people's opinions on the matter, I need to just stop asking for help, or talking about it in general. Everyone has something that works for them, but ultimately my kid is different, circumstances are different, life in general is different, and so I just have to figure it out for myself. I've become a huge emotional basket case because of this, crying all of the time, feeling like a failure as a mother, questioning how in the world I'm going to take care of two kids when the one I have can't sleep, and one that's going to be nursing every hour or two. I keep wondering am I going to screw my son up too? Is it my fault Leila won't sleep? What can I do differently, but ultimately do I WANT to implement huge changes to her life mere weeks from bringing another baby into this family? No, I don't honestly. So yea, I'm stuck.

These hormones are just completely messing me up. Last night I was in the bathroom before bed and I heard a whistle. At that same time my dog growled (which she doesn't do once she's gone to sleep for the night) and I became intensely terrified. The whistle sounded like it came from my living room and I thought for sure someone was in my house. I didn't know what to do, so I called Kolt to see if maybe he'd gotten sent home from work. By the time he answered his phone I was sobbing because I was so scared. He being the calm one in the midst of a crisis said it was probably the neighbor, calling in the dog for the night. We live so close to them that it sounded like it was from inside my house. Duh. Of course that's all it was. As though a home invader would whistle to announce his presence?

Even once I realized that's all it was, it was a good twenty minutes before I could calm down and stop crying. Apparently I'm useless in the event of an actual burglary. I didn't even have the instinct to run up stairs and protect my daughter. I just locked my door and started shaking and crying. What kind of mother does that??? That added to my feelings of complete incompetence and inadequacy as a mother.

I know eventually it will all come together. That when the baby is born and we're home it will be hard, but we'll figure it out. I know that stressing about things like Leila's lack of sleep and late bed time are pointless right now. I'm a few short weeks away from giving birth and I don't need to make things harder on myself than they already are by worrying. Some times I just need to vent though. Some times I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself without being given an answer to try and fix it. Some times I need to just be allowed to be upset. It eventually passes. Hopefully I can get a hold of myself and get back to being excited that the baby is going to be here very soon. I'm trying to get to that happy place, trying to just enjoy my daughter and our last days with just us. I'm trying, it's all I can do.

Hang on there, Jr.

Things have been getting a little more exciting around here, annoying for me, but exciting none the less. Ever since my 32 week appointment I've been having contractions. Noticeable at first and then as the week persisted on, painful and more regular. By Wednesday they were accompanied by lower back pain and I decided I'd better go in and get checked out. Five hours at the labor and delivery triage unit and what they told me was good news, yet not what we expected or believed to hear. It would appear I'm right on the cusp of needing concern. The doctor said after 34 weeks they don't intervene to stop labor, I'm almost 34 weeks. I'm dilating (went from a 1 to a 2 in a week) but not effacing, so they're not really concerned. My cervix is also shortening (went from 35mm to 28 mm in a week, anything less than 30 is supposedly concerning) and they said it was probably fine. So they sent me home, said to resume normal activity and come back if the contractions get to be more than six in one hour.

Kolt and I did not quite share their lax attitude. While yes, I am almost 34 weeks now, I am in no rush for this baby to get here. Six weeks premature is still too soon for my comfort and it seems that when I'm active, or pick up Leila or her toys, or even just sit in an uncomfortable position for too long, the stupid things come back. Last night we were at a restaurant with our friends for 2.5 hours and it seems like the whole evening was one LONG contraction. I was hurting really badly and starting to get scared. Thankfully once I got home they calmed down and as long as I take it easy, they're ok. So I'm sort of on self imposed limited duty.

All of this has made me realize just how soon Jr could be here. (He's still nameless and will likely remain so until he's born). A matter of a few weeks and I could be holding my son. I can't even fathom that concept, but these constant and persistent pains made me realize just how imminent his presence is. Most of us are thinking somewhere in the 37-38 week range he'll make his appearance, but I can see him being stubborn and starting all of this early just to give me grief. It makes planning for family to come to visit very difficult. It's made me realize just how perfect Leila's arrival was and how I shouldn't plan on it again. I hope for my own sake I'm not pregnant until or past my due date if this keeps up and continues to get worse because it hurts and is exhausting. This didn't start until 36 weeks with Leila and wasn't nearly this intense even until 38-39 weeks.

I shouldn't complain though. All things considered I have very easy pregnancies and healthy babies. Things could be so much worse or more precarious and I need to remember that. I just know that I do need to take it easy because it's just too soon for him to be here. Two to three more weeks and I'll relax, three to four would be ideal.

Now, a little bragging on my baby girl's part. She now sleeps in her own room, all the time. I rock her to sleep, but I truly don't mind right now. I'm cherishing every minute the two of us have because I know very soon her whole world is about to be flipped upside down. I love that she wants me to hold her, needs me to be there for her. I'm sure once Jr is here it will be hard and we'll have to adjust, but there are just no words to describe the feelings I have holding her as she falls asleep. I love her so much, am amazed at the incredible person she is, feel so fortunate to be her mother, and have no clue how I'm supposed to love another child as much as I love her. I know I will, I know will it be easy and come naturally, but Leila is just such a joy and I'm so grateful to have her.

Family Pics

This week we had my amazingly talented friend Chantal take family pictures of us, and a few maternity shots of me. Some how I managed to be pregnant during the Texas summer again and it was pretty hot out. Not as hot as it could be, but the humidity killed us. I spent an hour on my hair that morning, for what reason I have no idea. As soon as I stepped outside it fell flat. But the pictures are gorgeous and I'm very grateful. We went to the Botanical Gardens in Austin and it was the perfect place to take them, just wish it had been March or November instead of mid-July.

I would have liked to have been a bit more pregnant before doing 'maternity' shots, but my sweet friend is moving before we get back from our trip to Idaho, so we had to take advantage of her talent and generosity while we could. It seems like every friend I make moves away, and this one isn't even military related. She has many more talents and fantastic qualities besides photography and I'm going to miss her like crazy.

Checking In

Not much going on in the world of Harris. My pregnancy is going well so far, though I've already gained a ton of weight. It is what it is, but it seems like unless I starve myself I gain 1-3 pounds a week, ug. I know I will lose it, but am frustrated at how quickly it's piling on. Oh well, I'm healthy, baby is healthy, and in 4 months I can work on losing it.

I had my 10 year class reunion this past weekend. I didn't actually graduate from Alpine High School, but I spent my entire childhood there and my old best friend was in charge of the planning and very thoughtfully invited me. We went back to Alpine and had a great time. I hadn't been since 1998 but everything was pretty much the same. My classmates were friendly and warm, even to Kolt. My old house was updated, but still mostly the same as I remember. It was fun to go and we plan on going back in the winter so we can go to Big Bend Natl Park as well and do some outdoor activities.

Leila is gorgeous and hilarious as ever. Also frustrating, stubborn, and picky as hell. But we love her to death and she keeps the day interesting. She talks up a storm, speaking in full sentences all of the time now and says some of the funniest things. She likes to pick out her clothes and ours as well. She doesn't like the dogs or Kolt to snuggle me at all so I'm quite worried about how she'll adjust to the new baby. It's going be hard, I know, but I try not to stress because I know it does no good.

We're headed back to Idaho in a few weeks for a couple of weeks and we're both really excited. Going out to Alpine and being in the mountains made us both home sick. We plan on having both Kolt and Leila's birthday parties while we're out there. I had grand plans of a gorgeous Minnie Mouse themed party for Leila, until I realized how much work it was going to be and I just didn't want to stress it. She doesn't care about homemade decorations or cute foods. So we're having it at the splash pad in Rexburg, pizza, chips, and maybe a homemade cake. I'm still debating going all out on the cake or just buying an ice cream cake. We'll see.

We have no name for this little boy. His middle name is Thayne, that much is decided, but all we have is _______ Thayne Harris. We like traditional, normal names so if anyone has suggestions, we'll take them :)