Having a rough time lately

I'm never going to write about how my kids sleep ever again. It's just an invitation for them to prove me wrong. Leila's sleep has of course gotten very messed up. I can't figure out why and it stresses me out beyond belief because I won't be able to keep doing what I'm doing once the baby is here. I keep hoping it's a phase and will pass, but coming on three weeks into this new trend and I'm beginning to think it's a permanent change.

I've gotten a lot of advice on how to fix it, some wanted, some not, and I realize that if I don't want to hear other people's opinions on the matter, I need to just stop asking for help, or talking about it in general. Everyone has something that works for them, but ultimately my kid is different, circumstances are different, life in general is different, and so I just have to figure it out for myself. I've become a huge emotional basket case because of this, crying all of the time, feeling like a failure as a mother, questioning how in the world I'm going to take care of two kids when the one I have can't sleep, and one that's going to be nursing every hour or two. I keep wondering am I going to screw my son up too? Is it my fault Leila won't sleep? What can I do differently, but ultimately do I WANT to implement huge changes to her life mere weeks from bringing another baby into this family? No, I don't honestly. So yea, I'm stuck.

These hormones are just completely messing me up. Last night I was in the bathroom before bed and I heard a whistle. At that same time my dog growled (which she doesn't do once she's gone to sleep for the night) and I became intensely terrified. The whistle sounded like it came from my living room and I thought for sure someone was in my house. I didn't know what to do, so I called Kolt to see if maybe he'd gotten sent home from work. By the time he answered his phone I was sobbing because I was so scared. He being the calm one in the midst of a crisis said it was probably the neighbor, calling in the dog for the night. We live so close to them that it sounded like it was from inside my house. Duh. Of course that's all it was. As though a home invader would whistle to announce his presence?

Even once I realized that's all it was, it was a good twenty minutes before I could calm down and stop crying. Apparently I'm useless in the event of an actual burglary. I didn't even have the instinct to run up stairs and protect my daughter. I just locked my door and started shaking and crying. What kind of mother does that??? That added to my feelings of complete incompetence and inadequacy as a mother.

I know eventually it will all come together. That when the baby is born and we're home it will be hard, but we'll figure it out. I know that stressing about things like Leila's lack of sleep and late bed time are pointless right now. I'm a few short weeks away from giving birth and I don't need to make things harder on myself than they already are by worrying. Some times I just need to vent though. Some times I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself without being given an answer to try and fix it. Some times I need to just be allowed to be upset. It eventually passes. Hopefully I can get a hold of myself and get back to being excited that the baby is going to be here very soon. I'm trying to get to that happy place, trying to just enjoy my daughter and our last days with just us. I'm trying, it's all I can do.