We're freezing up here!

So I can't even remember the last time I wrote. I suppose I should have read it before I started so I know what to update, but the fact of the matter is there's not a whole lot going on in the world of Harris right now. We're in Idaho, freezing our buns off. Leila is loving getting to be around her cousins and grandparents. I'm missing Kolt but really excited for when he comes back in 12 days. That's all. I'm hoping the weather gets better and we can start having some adventures, but I have this awful tendency to be a homebody.

Leila went through a phase where she wouldn't eat much of anything when we were moving, she has finally gotten past this and now is eating really well! So much so that she's nursing much less and because of this Kolt and I will be spending a couple of days alone when he gets here. I'm nervous, but very excited about having two days of just me and him in Jackson Hole. Leila will be in good hands with Grandma. My big reservation is her sleeping. Before we left she was pretty much sleeping through the night and since we've gotten here hasn't even come close. Lately she's been doing this super awesome thing of waking up about 30-50 minutes after I put her down. Last night she was screaming for quite a while. If I'm lucky she'll sleep from 10-4 but usually it's 10-1 or 10-3. Hopefully Grandma can handle that for two nights while we're apart.

Kolt is doing well in his training at Ft. Dix. He seems to be excelling at everything he does (which is no big surprise to me) but is anxious to be done and come home. We seem to have more of an idea of what he'll be doing once he gets to Afghanistan, and that helps ease my worries. He's also roommates with someone that is likely deploying to the same location, and he likes him a lot, this is very good news since he'll be stuck with him for 7 months.

I'm doing ok. I'm focused on him coming home right now and not thinking about deployment. I'll deal with that when it happens. At least I'm comfortable and settled in here now and am beyond blessed to have such great help from our family. Leila is starting to become quite a little handful and I can't imagine taking care of her alone for so long. I know plenty of women do that and more, but I'm glad that I don't have to.

Preparations are under way for my punkin's first birthday :( I can not believe this is just a few months away, where in the world has the time gone? She's trying so hard to pull up on everything and is crawling pretty well. She's such a joy and I love her so much and am so grateful everyday that she's my daughter.

I've decided I'm going to try and learn how to use our DSLR. Here's a few of the pics I snapped today:

Very Grateful

With all of the sad and feeling sorry for myself posts lately, just thought I'd take a moment to write a happy one. I have the BEST family, ever.

Mother's day started off on Saturday, when Kolt texted me and said I had money to go spend at a spa as my present :) I've always wanted to go do a body wrap or facial, (since I've had massages before) and now I can! I know it's hard for him to come up with anything considering we're a country apart and he's been traveling all over the place lately. So the fact that he remembered made my day. That evening my sister, brother in law, and I went to Red Lobster, one of my favorites :)

Sunday I woke up to a gorgeous plate of french toast, bacon, and 4 kinds of fruit. Rich and my nephew Brandon got up at 6am to make it for me, Piper, and Rich's mother. I got a card from my sister, along with a cookie monster card from Leila. (leila's favorite toy is a cookie monster that talks, so it was perfect) Then that evening I got to see my mother, enjoy a delicious brisket dinner, along with some delicious sides and dessert.

I was just so busy I didn't have time to feel sad. I did get emotional when my darling little niece Marissa gave me a card that she made herself. It was very thoughtful and she was so excited to give it to me. I just know without a doubt that they're going to take care of us while Kolt is away. I love them all, and am so grateful to get to be able to spend this time with them.

I hope all of my friends and family had a happy mother's day, because I certainly did. The only sad bit honestly was that Leila was sick. It was hard to tell because she was still a happy little baby, but she had a fever. She's all better now it seems, so I truly can't complain. I'm so thankful for that sweet little girl!

Emotional Day

Three years ago today I lost my baby boy. A lot of healing has gone on in the last three years. It's taken me a lot of heartache and pain to get to the point where I can talk about him now without breaking down. Much of that is thanks to my precious baby girl. She doesn't replace him, but she helps fill the void his loss left in my heart. I will never stop missing him, or wondering what he would be like and that's ok. That's part of being a mother, the love never stops.

I was alone last year when this day came and went, and while at least I'm not alone this year, Kolt and I are apart, again. Probably for the best as it's not really something we do anything for. I also think that's one of the differences between being a mother vs a father. It's not to say that Kolt doesn't miss him or wish he were here, he just doesn't live in the past and has moved on. Part of my heart will always yearn for that little boy, now two ways around it, that's just how it will always be.

I am beyond grateful for my perfect daughter. She keeps me going when I'm down. It doesn't matter how sad I am or how hard I've been crying, one smile from her gorgeous lips and everything is ok. She gives me purpose and hope. I try the best I can to be the best mother to her I can be. I was given another chance through her to be a mother after losing two babies, and I don't intend on letting her, or them, down.

Today my thoughts are full sadness for what could have been, happiness for what is, and anxiety for what's to come. All things considered, we are very blessed, and believe me, I don't forget that.

Whirl Wind

Things have been rather crazy since my last post. Our home on base was packed up and put into storage. Leila had her first Easter. We moved me and Leila up to Idaho, spent the long weekend with our great friends and family. Now it's over and Kolt is gone. Today he's in San Antonio getting everything ready to go to combat skills training, tomorrow he leaves for CST, and on Monday he begins his month of awesomeness training, learning how to be a "real" soldier.

I've been debating for weeks about how honest I'm going to be in my blogs now that the real countdown to deployment is on. Still haven't decided, truthfully. I feel like everyone expects me to be upbeat and proud and strong, all of which I am, but I just can't decide on how much, if any, vulnerability I'm going to show on here. I'm already feeling scrutinized and judged by some (which I'm sure is unintentional) and on the days that I'm feeling down and just really missing my man, not sure I'll be in the mood for a "buck up! this is what he joined for, be strong," yada, yada, yada. I'm sure some of you reading this understand that point.

Leila and I should be reunited with him in 34 days (yes, I'm counting. I know everybody says not to, but that's my personality and if you think it's a bad idea, you can bite me) in San Antonio. I am very much looking forward to that three weeks where there should be nothing to do, but just BE together. He's already out processed, filed for leave, and he shouldn't have to work. I'm working on planning some fun outings, trying to soak up every second of time we have together before he leaves.

I miss him already. It's stupid since I just saw him yesterday, but everything has been such a whirl wind I didn't really have time to process the fact that he was leaving until I was kissing him goodbye in the air port. It's his job, and I'm grateful for the opportunity he has to gain this experience and serve those soldiers fighting for our freedom in the Middle East, but that doesn't mean I can just give a quick hug and kiss and send him on his way. Maybe there are some that can, I am not one of those women. I will miss him every second that he's away, and I will be sad at everything he will miss our daughter experience and do, and I will cry, a lot. That's what I do. It doesn't mean that I'm depressed, it doesn't mean that I'm bitter that he's gone, but I feel like as a woman who's genuinely loves my man, it's my right to miss him and ache for him while he's gone. If that makes me weak, then so be it.

We had a great weekend with our friends and family. We surprised Kolt a few times with friends he didn't know he was going to get to see, which was fun. We went bowling and shopping and spent some good quality time together. I'm glad we were able to do all that for him. Here are some of the pics we took: