I've been debating for weeks about how honest I'm going to be in my blogs now that the real countdown to deployment is on. Still haven't decided, truthfully. I feel like everyone expects me to be upbeat and proud and strong, all of which I am, but I just can't decide on how much, if any, vulnerability I'm going to show on here. I'm already feeling scrutinized and judged by some (which I'm sure is unintentional) and on the days that I'm feeling down and just really missing my man, not sure I'll be in the mood for a "buck up! this is what he joined for, be strong," yada, yada, yada. I'm sure some of you reading this understand that point.
Leila and I should be reunited with him in 34 days (yes, I'm counting. I know everybody says not to, but that's my personality and if you think it's a bad idea, you can bite me) in San Antonio. I am very much looking forward to that three weeks where there should be nothing to do, but just BE together. He's already out processed, filed for leave, and he shouldn't have to work. I'm working on planning some fun outings, trying to soak up every second of time we have together before he leaves.
I miss him already. It's stupid since I just saw him yesterday, but everything has been such a whirl wind I didn't really have time to process the fact that he was leaving until I was kissing him goodbye in the air port. It's his job, and I'm grateful for the opportunity he has to gain this experience and serve those soldiers fighting for our freedom in the Middle East, but that doesn't mean I can just give a quick hug and kiss and send him on his way. Maybe there are some that can, I am not one of those women. I will miss him every second that he's away, and I will be sad at everything he will miss our daughter experience and do, and I will cry, a lot. That's what I do. It doesn't mean that I'm depressed, it doesn't mean that I'm bitter that he's gone, but I feel like as a woman who's genuinely loves my man, it's my right to miss him and ache for him while he's gone. If that makes me weak, then so be it.
We had a great weekend with our friends and family. We surprised Kolt a few times with friends he didn't know he was going to get to see, which was fun. We went bowling and shopping and spent some good quality time together. I'm glad we were able to do all that for him. Here are some of the pics we took:
Love you Susannah and you have every right to cry and miss him!! It doesn't make you weak it just shows your love!! I know I will be at times and I hope we can hang out and become closer through this too! Love you and miss you and Sweet Leila!! Your Sis, Brandi
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to to survive. If that means venting on the blog, go for it. If it means crying, if it means ripping someone's head off, by all means! :)
ReplyDeleteIf someone judges you for missing your husband, they don't deserve to be a friend. It's funny, the people who judge the most are the ones who have the least clue as to what our lives even entail.
You just keep on keepin' on. I counted the days! Why not? I don't understand why you wouldn't want to know what's behind you and what's ahead. You just do what you gotta do.
:)
Girl, I give you SO much kudos! Maybe because I am WAY OVER emotional right now I am in tears just reading your blog; I do NOT know how your able to be away from him so long. I DO know you are so very strong (whether you admit it or not) I know you are, and I know that Kolt is such a brave and wonderful man for doing this for him and for his family. Y'ALL are an inspiration to many! I think it's important to be honest in your post (not that I want to cry every time I read them) but it's YOUR blog and YOUR diary of your feelings--NO one has the right to judge you!
ReplyDeleteLove you sweetie; I'll be thinking and praying for y'all during this time! HUGS!
Thank you all. It means a lot. I feel like such a baby, I mean this is nothing compared to the other branches of service, but that's why he joined the USAF! No matter how long, it hurts being away from someone you love so much. And no one can understand or empathize, though they try, until they've done it. So many times I know people are trying to be helpful and it turns out patronizing, at least to me. It is what it is. We'll get through it, not much of a choice, right?
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and responding, I love replies :)