My heart is full

We had a wonderful Christmas with Leila this morning. She actually did a great job unwrapping her presents, which came as a shock to me. I expected that since she was a 4 month old baby that she'd stare at the presents until we opened them, and then she'd smile at the toys, but she ripped that wrapping off and bounced up and down with glee when she saw them. It completely warmed my heart. She is the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for, and now it feels like our family is complete after all these years.

I got almost everything on my wish list (there were too many things there's no way to have gotten them all). Kolt managed to pick the ones I wanted the most and I couldn't be happier. I got a peridot pendant necklace from Kolt's parents, pearl earrings, a book, and an awesome air force hoodie from Kolt. The hoodie says "my hero, my everything, my airman. proud air force wife." I actually got teary eyed when I read what it said because it's so true. He is my hero and my everything.

Kolt of course knew what he was getting. I need to not be so lazy and figure out a way to better disguise his presents next year. I still may have a few tricks up my sleeve....

Well, Leila is awake from her VERY long nap (thanks baby girl) and so I'll close by saying I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic New Year. God Bless.

The downfall to working in healthcare

Is that people are always sick, always hurt, and always need caring after. Kolt is working tonight (Christmas Eve) and the next two nights. He was supposed to work last night as well and got called off, and for that I am very grateful. We made caramel covered bugles and watched a movie. I just really wish he could be here on Leila's first Christmas eve.

We went shopping for her yesterday to get her a present from Grandma. I wanted to get her a gloworm but was afraid it would be impossible to find one this close to Christmas. Well, we happened to find one in a random spot on a shelf far away from where it was supposed to go. I snatched it up so quickly! I eventually found out where they were supposed to go and they were out, so we were SO lucky.

Kolt and I talked about not really getting Leila anything because at this age she just really doesn't need much and we have so little space as it is we don't want to feel any more crammed than we are. Well, that didn't work out so well. We found three other toys that we just had to get for Leila. One of them is a cookie monster that talks when you shake him....it's HILARIOUS. I think we ended up buying him more for us than Leila, we can't stop laughing when we play with him. We also found a teddy bear that reads "The Night Before Christmas." We pushed the button to start him talking and Leila could not stop staring at him. She was truly mesmerized. I had told Kolt I wanted to buy a copy of the book and make it a tradition to read it to her before bed on Christmas Eve, and found that instead. I didn't want to insist on buying it, so after he finished the story I went and got in line. Kolt stood there, staring at it, and picked it up and brought it to check out. How that man LOVES his little girl. He will buy her anything she wants as she has him wrapped around her little finger.

I plan on playing the teddy bear tonight with her, in front of the Christmas tree and I will video it and upload it on here. Watching Leila hear the story for the first time was truly like watching Christmas magic and spirit pour into her. I will never forget the look on her face....I'm so glad we bought the bear.

We plan on skyping with our families tomorrow to try and spend some time with them. Last year on Christmas we didn't really celebrate at all because we had bought furniture and it was a huge let down. I was 6 weeks pregnant and Kolt didn't want me telling his family yet, but I did tell mine. Over all it just wasn't a great way to start off our first Christmas alone. Even though Kolt is working tonight, I am very much looking forward to our first Christmas together as a family and, to be honest, can't wait to see what I got and how Kolt likes what he got. I'm still a kid that way I suppose, and I hope that never changes.

Videos

Leila has been working hard this week :) First, she rolled over from back to tummy (which according to the books she isn't supposed to be able to do until 6 months, she's not quite 4 months) she's also working hard on talking. That girl just coos, and slobbers, and gurgles ALL day long, I LOVE it. Here are two videos of her accomplishments this week. The first is her roll over, the second is her attempting to "razz." She's hasn't quite gotten the razz yet, lol.

I think I'm feeling a little better emotionally. Guess it's just going to come and go. Part of the reason I'm feeling better is because I finally made it to the gym this week! I'm down even more weight and I've lost 38 pounds since having Leila. I've got 11 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight, and then a ton more after that, but I think at the rate I'm going I'll be back to pre-pg by then end of January if not sooner. I'm doing much better than my planned goals which really makes me happy. It certainly helps with the self confidence.

Kolt has the next week off after tonight. Then he works the 23-26 :( But then has a whole bunch more time off. I'm hoping we can do something fun, even if it's just going down town and walking the riverwalk and seeing the lights.

On her own

My little girl is sleeping in her own room now. We decided it was probably time since she completely fills her bassinet. It's been really great and I think she loves her new bed. She has much more room to roll around and the vibrating feature and sounds that come with the pack n play are awesome. I was a little paranoid at first, but we have a monitor and I'm pretty sensitive to it. She still ends up in bed with me in the mornings so I can sleep in, but I don't mind snuggling!

Leila is really starting to figure out how to use her hands to grab things. I saw her in the rear view mirror in the car playing with her new teething toy. Usually I hand her things and they just sit there, but this time she was actively playing. Sniff. What a big girl.

Reina had a puppy. Just one. We named her Kallie and so far she seems to be doing well. It's weird only seeing one little puppy in there with her, but I'm so relieved that we only have to worry about selling one. I can't wait til she's a little bigger and opens her eyes and plays! Puppies are so fun, but I definitely don't want to keep her.

I have a friend who has a son with a heart condition. I follow her blog and he's been doing very well and was supposed to undergo open heart surgery in January to correct the problems. Well a few days ago his oxygen levels were dangerously low and he ended up being life flighted to a bigger hospital and had to have surgery. It was only a shunt that was put in for now and they'll have to wait until he's 9 months to fully correct the problem. It was very touch and go but he seems to be doing very well now. If you are at all interested in following his story, here is the link for his blog www.preciousmason.blogspot.com Neysa is an incredible mother and I love reading her blogs.

I seem to be going through some sort of inner crisis, turmoil, confusion, or whatever. I don't know really how to describe it other than I keep thinking that I'm falling short. I thought maybe it was guilt over not working, but we don't NEED me to work and with Leila refusing the bottle, I have no option to work until she's older anyways. And even that isn't about the money, just more that I think maybe I'll feel better about myself if I can contribute in that way to our family. I don't just want any job though, if I were going to be away from my baby at all, it would have to be doing something I love. But I'm not completely convinced that's what my problem is.

I'm just kind of in a funk, where I feel out of place. I LOVE being a mother and being at home with Leila, but I guess I just feel like I'm not very good at it. My house is cluttered with stuff that we have no room for, and it just always feels like there's something I need to be doing, but don't. And she's not even old enough to be making the mess. How's the house gonna look when she can destroy it in seconds??? I'm not a very crafty mother either and that bothers me too. I just really lack in creativity with that kind of thing and feel like it's not even worth my time to try. I'm not sure how to shake this feeling of inadequacy, but it needs to go away soon or I might start to really feel down on myself. Hopefully the holidays will help.

I am happy to say that I'm all done Christmas shopping and have those presents wrapped. I can't say the same thing for Kolt, but he's been really busy with work. Plus, Kolt is a procrastinator. He'll probably wait until right before Christmas and then be hating life because of all of the blasted people crammed into the stores. Poor guy, hope he gets it done soon!

No word on Kolt's deployment yet. Like I keep saying, we expect it any time and hope it comes sooner rather than later. The more time Mr. Last Minute has to get the mile long check list of stuff done, the better. Also, the more time we'll have to plan my move back to Idaho. The more I think about that, the more my head hurts. It's going to be a logistical night mare, and if I'm already stressed about it, I can only imagine how that stress will multiply. That's just NOT going to be any fun at all.

Alright, I suppose that's enough for now. Hope the Holiday Season is treating you all well. I'm sure there will be more posts before Christmas.

Christmas Pics

I have the MOST beautiful daughter in the whole world, of this I am certain. I mean, just LOOK at her! Much love and thanks go out to Chrissy for taking these pics. It will be very unfortunate whenever one of us gets transferred and my subsequent children will not have her to capture their beauty. Goodness knows I haven't taken any pics of Leila other than with my phone. It was a blast to shoot these and for the most part, she cooperated.

After the photos, Chrissy and I went out to lunch all by ourselves! No babies for either one of us. It was very nice and very much appreciated. I didn't text Kolt once during the whole lunch to ask if she was ok, and he also didn't bother me :) A big step up.

But with every step forward, it seems we take two steps back. I've been wanting to get back to the bottle and make sure Leila will take it like she used to. That did not go well. Kolt tried for almost an hour to get her to take a bottle. 45 minutes of which were spent with her screaming her head off. I tried and she seemed interested in it, wanted to hold it and chewed on it, but would not latch on to drink. Sigh. We're going to get a different kind of bottle and hope that we have more success. If not, then I'll never get to go anywhere for longer than an hour or so. She's still eating about every 2 hours which means I can't leave for very long.

On top of not taking the bottle, she's been struggling to go to bed. Pre-chicken pox she fell asleep on her own around 9. I'd get her in jammies, put her down, and she'd lie back there just fine, even if she wasn't going to sleep yet. This is a thing of the past, apparently. Getting her to bed this week has been a nightmare. I've conceded that she's simply staying up later now, more like 11 rather than 9, and so I've quit trying to put her down earlier. Hopefully she'll eventually adjust and come back to a more reasonable time. She is thankfully, sleeping late as well. Those stinking chicken pox just messed with her in more ways than one.

At the beginning of November I made a commitment to myself to eat better and lose weight, setting goals for the first of every month. Well today is December first and my goal was to lose 5 lbs from Nov 8 til now. Not only did I lose my goal of 5, but another 1.6! I was very pleased with myself considering how little I exercised and the fact that it was Thanksgiving. My goal for December was 8 lbs, and I'm already 1.6 into it. If I push myself I may be able to drop ten, but we'll have to see how it goes. To show the progress I've made, here is a pic from when Leila is one week old, versus me now, at almost 15 weeks post partum. All I have to say is...barf. I know I'd just had a baby, but good gosh I look awful! Which is so unfortunate because Leila and my mother look fantastic. Oh well, at least I'm moving in the right direction.

This week has made me realize how closed off my life really is. Two of my three girl friends just deployed to Afghanistan, (which I'm happy to report they have almost made it there and are safe and well). Chrissy is all I have left, and she lives on the other side of town. She is no where near the hermit I am and has far more friends than just me. I have no clue how to branch out and meet more people though. We're only allowed to associate with other officers and the bulk of the people on base are enlisted. Plus, it seems that the officers' neighborhood is full of people who are in a much different place in their lives, mid forties, much older kids, been in the AF for years and years. I just don't know how to go about making friends, and it feels rather pathetic. I've never really been the type to have a whole bunch of friends, just a handful of really close ones. And like I said, two of the three I've made have just left and it's likely that I won't see them again for a year between their deployments and Kolt's. I'm just not brave enough to go knock on doors and introduce myself. I feel like if they were looking for friends, they'd be knocking my door and no one has done that since we got here, other than our old neighbors who have moved away, and never spent any more time with us than that first introduction anyways. I guess I could look at it from the point of view that Leila and I will be moving back to Idaho once Kolt deploys, and when we come back we won't be living here anyways. All I can hope for is that Chrissy doesn't get sick of me, or I'll really be out of luck.

We DID get a Christmas tree as you can see in the first picture of Leila. It's beautiful and I'm so happy we did it. Leila really loves to look at the lights and shiny ornaments. The next project is getting the outside lights up. I feel like we're slacking, but I need to remind myself it's only December 1st!

Thanksgiving

This has truly been a time of reflection and humility as I had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with people who I can truly describe as, the salt of the Earth. Allow me to explain....

I've had a bit of a bad attitude lately. I've been mildly bitter because my husband has been going off and having fun with his friends, doing all the things he normally loves to do, while I've been stuck at home with a sick baby. He of course always asks if I mind if he goes, to which I always reply, "no." But I've been sitting at home stirring with jealousy and self pity because my life had become so difficult and boring.

He asked me Monday night if he could go on a hunting trip with a work friend, possibly an over night one. Being the nice wife that I am, I said yes but of course was a little peeved that he was leaving us AGAIN to go have fun while I was left at home alone with Leila.

A little while into Tuesday he asked me if I would bring Leila and come out to the ranch where he was and spend the night with him. It wasn't that far from home, the people were wonderfully gracious, and this way we would have friends to spend Thanksgiving with. I said I would, but inside I was very apprehensive and even a little miffed about going. How fun could it possibly be to spend Thanksgiving with perfect strangers? We were supposed to stay home, cook ribs, and finish decorating our tree and I was annoyed that he had seemed to have forgotten this fact.

The Zuckero's are truly good old fashioned country folk. Grandma and Grandpa, as I was instructed to call them, have a very simple yet fulfilling way of life. They served us vegetables locally grown and sold, they immediately took to Leila and hugged and kissed her as if she were their own. They welcomed us with open arms and I'm embarrassed at my attitude going into it.

Grandma never even batted an eye that she had two more mouths to feed at Thanksgiving dinner, and in reality, seemed truly happy to have us there. Her pecan pie was the best I've ever had (sorry to say that Mom) and her dressing was to die for. She prepared it all without any stress or chaos. It always seems at my house it's a mad dash to get everything cooked, trying to figure out the order the dishes need to go in the oven, and there's no time to really sit and enjoy each other's company. While at Grandma Zuckero's house you couldn't even tell she'd prepared ten different dishes. I don't know when she did it, but they were all done, on time, still warm, and delicious.

My favorite part of the entire trip though was after the blessing was said, everyone went around and said what they were grateful for. Grandma simply stated, "I'm grateful for this one right here," while she patted her husband's hand and got choked up. That's all she said, but all she had to say to let everyone know that after almost 60 years of marriage, she was still crazy about her husband and felt blessed to sit by his side. It was something to truly be in awe of. They weren't overly affectionate or lovey dovey, but you could tell how much love and respect they had for one another.

I felt ashamed for the feelings I'd been having lately. I have a wonderful life. There will always be food on the table, we'll never have to wonder how the bills will be paid. We have a family that loves us and supports us, even from across the country. But most of all, I have a dedicated husband and perfect daughter. Who cares if after a hard days or weeks work he wants to unwind by driving his car? Who cares that Leila had the chicken pox and I spent a week taking care of her? WHO CARES???? We're alive, well, happy, and blessed beyond measure. I have everything I could ever ask for and more. Shame on me for my self pity.

I hope after another fifty years to follow the example of Grandma and Grandpa Zuckero. I hope to be sitting by his side at the dinner table, surrounded by family and friends, and getting choked up by my love for him and our life. It's something to work for to be sure, and something to spend the rest of my life aspiring to.

Farewell my Friends

The day started out easily enough. We ran into the Nesbits on our way into the air port, we stood around talking for a while. It was great to get to see them all and I'm really glad we went to say good bye.

Then it came time to say goodbye. There really were no words, I mean, what do you say to people you've come to love so much without completely breaking down? As you can see, I did anyways. I truly think it's one thing for a man to join the Armed Forces, and another thing entirely when a woman, a mother, a wife does. There's just something incredibly brave and selfless about a mother who would leave her babies to take care of the men and women who fight to keep us safe and free. Both the Nesbits and the Sanders have two little boys at home. Their dads are amazing and I know will do a phenomenal job taking care of them, but sometimes you just want/need your mother. But those husbands understand that sometimes life is more about you and your little bubble of happiness, and I commend them and their incredible wives. God Bless you my dear friends, we love you and will keep things running on the home front, just come back safely and come back soon.

Reality Check

Kolt and I spent the afternoon with our very dear friend, Capt Annie Nesbit. She and another of our good friends deploys for Afghanistan on Friday. We've known this day was coming since May, but the fact that it's actually here, that they're leaving is just surreal. I have so much respect for these women who are leaving behind their families with young children because they know there's more to life than enjoying your little bubble and never getting outside of it. They are genuine real life heroes and I'm very thankful to know them and to be called their friend.

All that being said, it makes me realize that Kolt will be leaving soon too. He hasn't received his tasking letter yet, but it's got to be coming soon. I keep thinking that I'm going to be such a mess, that I'm not going to be able to handle it, but honestly, what choice do I have? I have ALWAYS HATED it when women make the comment, "I don't know how military wives do it. I could never be separated that long from my husband." Maybe this is just me taking it personally, but I always want to respond with, "Why? Do you think you love your husband more than I love mine because I CAN be separated from him? Do you think that you just stop living when they leave and crumple up and die?" NO. You just keep on keeping on. You go about your life, your days, weeks, and months because what choice do you have? Especially when you have children. This has been one of my biggest pet peeves. I see people make that comment on facebook all the time and it drives me bonkers. "I don't know how you do it." Ug. Just don't say anything if that's all you can think to say. Or when they make the comment "I'd never let my husband join the military." LET him?? It's not a matter of let. My husband had the selfless desire to serve the country he loves so much, how selfish and ungrateful would I be if I just said, "Um, no. Let someone else's husband do it." Where would we be as a nation if no one's husband, son, brother, father served? It just really makes me appreciate how incredible my husband is, and to be honest, how amazing I, along with the countless other military spouses are.

I've gotten side tracked and I'll step off my soap box now. This has been on my mind for quite a while, but I just wanted to remind myself of it before I start whining that I won't be able to do it. Of course I can, and I will. Not yet thank goodness, but soon enough. Watching my friends leave just makes it that much more real that within the next 6-7 months I'll be standing at the air port saying good bye to him. Ug. I may have to deal with it eventually but I think for now I'll try not to think about it, and instead turn my focus to the holidays, that is a whole different post, however.

Chicken pox, schmicken pox... :(

So yesterday it appeared that I spoke too soon about Leila taking the pox so well. Last night was a disaster trying to get her to sleep. She went to bed on her own really well at 8:30 but right as I was falling asleep at 11 she woke up screaming. I fed her and tried to comfort her, but she just wasn't having it. When I tried to lie her down she would just thrash around rather violently and so I put her in bed with me. I never sleep very well with her in bed and she woke up about 4 or 5 times to eat. Between her waking up so much, and poor Kolt's cough, I just didn't get much sleep at all.

Today she had times where she was her wonderfully happy self, and other times where she would just scream. It really made me appreciate just how good of a baby she is because this was completely foreign to me and honestly, just broke my heart. Poor baby. She didn't scream all day, just intermittently thank goodness. I only hope that it isn't going to get worse. We dosed her up on tylenol for her fever tonight, and some benadryl to help with the itchiness right before bed. Hopefully she'll sleep. She's lying back there peacefully now, I only pray it lasts. If it doesn't, well then I'll be even more tired tomorrow. Kolt is working tomorrow night but then has a four day weekend, maybe he'll give me a chance to nap on one of those days off.

I do think that I really want to at least do a little something for Christmas. We don't have to get an eight foot tree and spend a fortune on ornaments, but I would like to get a little tree and decorate it. My mother in law made a good point in saying that Kolt may not even be home for Christmas next year (a thought that breaks my heart) and so we need to make this first one special. He is working the days surrounding Christmas and Christmas itself though, just like last year :( But hopefully we'll have a chance to celebrate later on that morning.

My other holiday dilemma stems from wanting to get in the Christmas spirit by baking yummy goodies. I am trying SO hard to eat well and lose weight, I don't want to lose my momentum just because it's the holidays. Kolt also has a PT test sometime in December and I'm sure he'd appreciate not being tempted by lots of junk as well. We don't really even have any neighbors to take it to as everyone moved out this past summer. So if anyone has some healthier holiday goody options, I am ALL ears :)

Chicken Pox, weight loss, and the holidays...

My poor little Leila has come down with the chicken pox. Although in actuality, she's really doing just fine. I noticed a few days ago she had what i assumed was just a big baby zit and I didn't think much of it. Then the next day I felt a bump on the back of her head, again not really all that concerned. Then yesterday she had one pop up on her ear lobe and that just seemed odd (I'm glad Kolt didn't let me pierce her ears when we were in Idaho!). So today I called the doctor and took her in and it took 3 doctors to confirm it, but she is in fact, a 3 month old with chicken pox. It took us the better part of the day to figure out how she'd gotten it, turns out our niece has it as well. And after freaking out thinking "Oh my gosh my baby has the chicken pox!" I thought, "Oh, it's just the chicken pox" realizing that especially at her age, it's really no big deal. She has been acting her perfectly pleasant self and if anything is only eating and sleeping a little more. She only had about 5 yesterday but now they're popping up all over her and it's too many to count. My only sadness about this is it may prevent us from going to our friend's house who's deploying this weekend. We'll keep an eye on it and if she's healing then we're definitely going.

I am FINALLY in some pre pregnancy pants!!!!! Granted, they're not the ones I wore directly pre pregnancy as I'd lost 20 lbs before becoming pregnant, but they're not new fat pants and they're not maternity!!!! Mostly I can credit it to an awful stomach bug I had over the weekend. I lost 4 lbs in 3 days. But I have been making a very conscientious effort to eat well. The last several times we've gone out to eat I've eaten from the healthy menu choices, and I'm very proud of myself. I think I've finally shrunk my stomach down and I no longer feel like I'm starving all the time, which of course makes eating well and less much much easier. Hurray for me :)

Everybody keeps talking about how excited they are for Thanksgiving, and how they're putting up Christmas decorations and it just does NOT feel like the holiday season at all to me. I think part of that is we're down here alone with no family so we're not celebrating Thanksgiving (we did have Thanksgiving dinner a week ago with our friends, not to mention the Thanksgiving dinner we had in August, but I think it just doesn't quite feel the same if I'm not home smelling my mom's pecan and chocolate pies.) Kolt does have it off, but I doubt we'll do much else for it since he's "not a fan" of the meal anyways.

Kolt and I have only put up a Christmas tree one year, our first year that we were married and in our own place. It was a tiny tree we borrowed from his sister so we've never bought one. I love the easiness of artificial trees with the lights already strung in them, but I truly don't want to mess with storing one and carting it all over the world. We may look into getting a real tree (especially since disposal would be easy because our garbage company rocks). It just seems like now that we have a daughter, maybe it's time we start decorating a tree and establishing some traditions of our own. Kolt argues that Leila has no clue that it's Christmas so there's no point in doing it this year, which is true, but I really do long for that Christmas-ey feel. If it were colder than 60 outside I think that may help as well. So we'll just have to see. Celebrating, or not celebrating the holidays away from family is definitely one of the hardest parts about being in the military.

Daisey

I feel like the worst person ever. In my last blog I mentioned that I thought there was more that I wanted to talk about but couldn't remember....well Daisey was one of those points. Kolt got Daisey when he was 16 years old. She was a sweet yellow lab who wanted nothing more than to please others. She loved to swim, fetch, run, hike, and just BE with us. She spent a lot of her 14 years living with Kolt's parents and a few with mine because we didn't have a place for her. It was a very difficult thing to leave her behind in Idaho when we left because we're only allowed to have 2 pets on base and splitting up Rex and Reina was not an option. She was a great dog, a sweet heart and she will be thoroughly missed.

Kolt's mom called us about a week before we left for Idaho to let us know Daisey's health had taken a sudden, dramatic change for the worse. She had been quite healthy and happy right up until then. Whatever it was came on hard and fast. We barely made it up to Idaho in time, but we did make it soon enough to see her one last time and take her to the vet to be put down. I've never had to do that before, put down an animal, and it's not something I want to do again any time soon. She looked so helpless and miserable, and while it was awful to see her like that, it reassured us that we were doing the right thing. We both loved that dog so much. When you wait to have kids like we did, animals become like your children and it hurt to let her go. But it was the right choice. She lived a long healthy life, 14 years is almost unheard of for a lab, and was loved by all who knew her.

Rest in peace Daisey, we love you.

What a short trip!

Well, we're home and Kolt is back to work. I can not believe how fast two weeks goes. Maybe it was because we drove it all, and then drove a ton once we got to Utah/Idaho, but man it seemed like it was over before it even started.

Leila was AMAZING on the drive. She pretty much slept the whole way up there and most of the way back. I couldn't have asked for a better little traveler. Even the dogs did really well, even though they were in the kennel the entire drive. In that aspect we were very lucky.

Everybody loved Leila and it seems like I hardly got to hold her at all while we were there. She's so lucky to have so many people who love and care about her. Everyone who was invited came to her blessing and we just had such a good time.

Being home made me realize just how much I miss living there. It's funny, before we left I was dying to leave and now that I'm gone I wish we could go back. I suppose that's usually how it goes. Moving around as much as I have my whole life, I tend to get bored after 3 or 4 years in one place, but there's just something about the Wasatch Mountains and the Cache Valley that feels like home in way no other place will.

Our drive home was rather interesting. We didn't get as far as we'd hoped to in the first day, only to the half way point of Albuquerque, NM. This lead to a LONG second day that was even longer than necessary. As Kolt and I were driving along in the middle of NM, we were about 50 miles outside of Roswell when I make the comment, "Geez, it seems like we're never going to get out of this state." Not one minute later a tire blows out on the camp trailer we were towing. Fabulous, now we have to stop and change the tire. Only problem is there is no wrench or jack in the trailer to do so. I called the Outdoor Rec dept on base where we rented the trailer from and asked where we could find it, and the genius says "Well I imagine in the back of YOUR car. Use your own wrench." Well that would be fine and dandy if our wrench fit those huge lug nuts, which it didn't. So we had no way to change the flat. We called our roadside assistance company and apparently no one in Roswell (which is the closest town) will change a flat on a trailer, so they have to send someone from Santa Rosa which is 90 miles away. All in all we spent about 4 hours on the pit stop. The only good thing that came out of it is they refunded us all of our money for the camper for the inconvenience.

It seems like there was a lot I wanted to write about the trip, but it escapes me. So I'll finish with some pictures. (I have yet to figure out how to format the pics and actually insert them where I want throughout the blog, so that's why they're all at the top....)

Headed Home

We leave for Idaho in T-minus 39 hours and counting! This trip is going to be a whirlwind of running around trying to see everyone we want, but I think it's going to be so much fun. We are so excited to go home, it's been 7 months for me and almost a year for Kolt. I can hardly believe that it's been that long already. So much has happened in the last 12 months, we're a totally different couple now.

Leila rolled over for the first time yesterday!! I'm not sure if it was a fluke or not though. I put her on her tummy and she kept her head up 90 degrees. Well, she kind of lost her balance and her head that high up made her fall over to her side, and then she kicked herself the rest of the way over. I tried to catch it on video, but I was too late. She hasn't done it again yet, but she will :)

This week has been pretty crazy getting everything ready to go. We've been making lists like crazy to make sure we don't forget anything. Kolt has a small pile of stuff in the living room going. Short of packing our clothes and toiletries I think we're pretty dang close to ready.

We may be taking a camp trailer with us. The base rents them out for about $100 per week for the tiny ones, so I'm going to check it out in a little bit. It all hinges on the trailers ability to hold Kolt's new hard top for his car. He bought one from a guy in SLC a month ago and we're picking it up while we're home, but it's kinda big and awkward and so it might not fit in this tiny trailer. I'm meeting up with one of his friends who has a hard top and he's going to take a look at it to see if it will fit or not. I'm kinda ambivalent about it, while it would be nice to just pack our stuff in there and not stuff the Touareg, I'm afraid it'll be a pain in the butt to haul it around when we're driving around SLC and Idaho. We'll see how it goes.

Alright, this may be my last blog for a few weeks as we'll be having a blast with all our family and friends. We'll be taking a lot of pics and I'll definitely post them when we get back.

Lots going on!

So we're in the middle of our October awesomeness. My sister Piper just left, we had our 8th wedding anniversary, and Kolt got promoted to 1st LT today. We're leaving next Thursday for Utah/Idaho, yay!

Having Piper here was wonderful. She's had

kids since I was 10 and I realized before she came that we've never really gotten to just hang out without having to run around and take care of her kids. Of course Leila is here now, but all you do is snuggle her, so she's easy :)

We went shopping and spent time with some of her old friends and just got to BE together. It made me realize just how much I miss her, and all her kids. Taking her to the air port today wasn't too hard because I know I'll see her again soon, otherwise I'd have been a mess!

Monday was our 8th wedding anniversary. Piper watched Leila for a few hours on Sunday night and we went for a drive and out to dinner with one of Kolt's S200 buddies. To be honest, I have no clue what he was doing there and it wasn't the most romantic date we've been on (his friend has ADHD something fierce though and he was rather entertaining to hang out with haha), but it was nice to just get out and be alone. I had a hard time leaving Leila though, I cried when we pulled away. I was also very anxious most the 2.5 hours we were gone, but Aunt Piper swears she did great and so hopefully the next time I leave her I won't worry so much.

Today was Kolt's pin on ceremony for his promotion to 1st LT. It was great to go up to the army hospital and watch it happen. I got to pin on one bar and our friend Capt. Annie got to do the other. We had Kolt's mom on the phone so she could listen in since she couldn't be there. Even though this promotion is a given and he's still "just" a LT, I'm so proud of him. Watching him raise his hand in front of the flag and swear to protect and defend the constitution just sends chills up my spine. In a time where most Americans in my opinion take for granted the freedoms we enjoy as citizens, it's nice to be reminded of how those freedoms came to be, courtesy of our military past and present.

Fun weekend

I haven't been lazy, just busy! I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to do my normal Friday blog until late on Thursday and by then it was too late. No biggie, but it's funny with 10 days goes by and you have a hard time remembering everything that was worthy of blogging.

This past weekend we went to Laughlin AFB in Del Rio to visit our friends, the White's. Leila slept in the car the whole 3 hour ride there, and the whole ride back. This leaves me VERY encouraged that our trip to Idaho should go pretty well. She really loves car rides so hopefully we can make good time.

Kolt and Stephen competed in a 3 gun competition while we were there and Kolt finished 5th over all. He had a blast and is hopeful at the next one with his own shot gun, and some more practice, he can do even better. It was really fun to watch him compete even though Leila, Emily, and I had to stay in the car to protect Leila's ears. A few times we stepped out of the car though and shots were fired and Leila never even flinched. LOVE that girl's ability to sleep.

While we were in Del Rio we had a bit of an accident that may result in some unwanted puppies. Reina is in heat and we've done a really great job and keeping Rex away from her (we haven't had a litter in 3 years), but we got distracted at our friends' house and sure enough, nature took it's course. Now that we're home they are not allowed out of the kennel at the same time and we're hoping that just one mating wasn't enough to get the job done. I have no clue how I will deal with puppies in this small house, and with a new baby. The chance of successful breeding with only one shot at it is 40%, and I'm just really hoping that we're on the 60% side of that. We've wanted to breed Reina again, just not yet. We should be able to figure it out in 3-4 weeks so now it's just a waiting game. Ug.

Leila has been sleeping better. She's been giving me anywhere from 3-5 hour stretches and it's been so nice, but she's still a little restless in the mornings which some how seem to negate the long stretches. Of course, this morning she slept GREAT after we took Kolt to the shuttle, but this was a morning we had to wake up so I couldn't even enjoy her extra sleep.

I swear Leila can almost roll over. I've read that they're supposed to go from tummy to back first, around 2-3 months, and from back to tummy at 5 months. Well, she has all but rolled over from her BACK to tummy :) This to me means she's highly advanced, which surely mean we've got a little genius here. I tried to video it but she didn't do it, and I'll keep trying. Hopefully when she does do it, I'll catch it on video!

Kolt seems convinced that if he holds Leila, she screams, that I'm the only one who can console her and keep her happy. I keep trying to tell him that she's fussy for me too (she's actually crying right now in my arms as I type this), and the only way to get her over that is to keep TRYING. I hold her most of the day, every day and so she's getting used to me. It's almost like he's afraid to hold her now or something. This is something that HAS to change. I want to be able to leave for an hour or two if I want/need to. I'm really hoping to go to the gym and lift some weights and exercise, and just get out of the house on my own occasionally, or take a shower/bath longer than 20 minutes. I'm not sure what to do about this or to how to help him feel more confident when he takes care of her. The only solution may just be to do it. If I can't leave her at all for the next year, I may go crazy. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything, but every mom, especially a new first time mom, needs a bit of her own space.

My sister Piper will be here TOMORROW!!!! Late tomorrow night, but she'll be here, hurray! She's staying for about a week and honestly, it couldn't come at a better time. With Leila potentially becoming clingy to only me, it'll be nice to get Aunt Piper here to mix things up a bit. Also, our 8th anniversary is next Monday and she volunteered to babysit so Kolt and I could go out to dinner. I just might have to take her up on that offer, the thought of going out to dinner with just the two of us seems so weird at this point.

Taking the good with the bad

Leila seems to have a very bad case of baby acne. It started last week and was just a little on her cheek. Then it spread to her neck, ears, back, chest and I started to worry. It looked so red and irritated so I called the doctor and got her an appointment. Kolt's family has a pretty bad history of severe skin issues, allergies and eczema, so I figured I couldn't be too careful. The doctor looked at her for two seconds before saying it was just a bad case of baby acne. Thank goodness! It looks awful but she's not in any pain or at risk of infection, so I'm relieved. I have some friends who's kids have had it and they said it should go away around 6-7 weeks. The good part of the appointment is she got weighed, and she now weighs 10 lbs 2 oz!!! She's growing up so fast and so well. She's not a chunker, but she's got little rolls that are just darling.

I've been trying for about a week to get Leila to smile to no avail. Then Wednesday night Kolt comes home from work and holds her for about two minutes and he gets a HUGE smile. Little stinker. Wide open mouth, nice gummy smile. It made me cry, in part because I was jealous and partly because I'm so happy. She's such a beautiful little girl! We tried to get her on skype with her Grandma Harris so she could see it as well, but by the time we got connected she had a tummy ache from her vitamins and wouldn't do it.

Then Thursday morning I got up with her and fed her and rocked her for a while. I could tell she was in a good mood and not only did I get several smiles, I got a giggle! That has to be the most beautiful sound in the world.

I'm getting the hang of managing the house and taking care of her at the same time. Wednesday we went for a long walk with her in the snuggli, then when we got home I vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, and straightened up, all with her on my chest in the snuggli, and she slept! Even through the vacuuming. Later on that day I went to the grocery store. I've been afraid to do that alone but with her in the snuggli, she just slept and I was able to get all my errands done.

She's had some rough nights of sleep, and some awesome ones. I'm hoping to get more into a routine at bed time and hopefully get to the point where she goes to sleep around 11, sleeps until 3, wakes up to eat, and then sleeps til 6, eats again, and then sleeps til 9 or 10. Through the night her routine is pretty consistent, but her bed time varies depending on how upset her tummy is. Stinking vitamins.

My weight loss has seemed to stall. Everyone kept telling me not to worry about the weight gain because breast feeding just melts the pounds off. I always knew this was too good to be true, and it looks like it is. Five weeks post partum and I flipping GAINED a pound this week. Argh, I could cry. So all I was able to lose with the breast feeding train was 22 lbs. Which is great and I shouldn't complain. But I was really hoping to get down to 10-15 to lose on my own. 27 is seeming like such a huge number. Since I can't really cut calories it's going to take forever. I see myself in the pictures with Leila and I can't stand how huge I am, it's like it's ruining those precious pictures for me. We're doing family pics when we go to Idaho next month and I was hoping to be much closer to my pre pregnancy weight. Once the doctor clears me to run, I'd better get on it. Thankfully my foot no longer hurts, so I'll have no excuses.

Spoke a little too soon

This week has been a lot harder. I wouldn't say Leila has colic, but we've had some bad bouts of tummy aches and I just feel so awful for her. Wednesday night I did everything I normally do at bed time, sang to her, fed her, played calming music, rocked her, for over an hour and it didn't do any good. Kolt came to bed at midnight and took over and she was screaming for another hour before we finally got her burped enough to go to sleep. I'm hoping it's only temporary, but who knows. I've heard that colic usually sets in around three weeks, and she's four weeks now. I truly hope it's just been a few bad days and she'll be ok. I hate feeling helpless when she's screaming.

I keep trying to figure out if she has a schedule or not. Most of the days this last week she'd settle down for a long nap at 10:30 but the last two days that didn't happen. She ended up crashing around 1 and would wake up long enough to eat then go back to sleep on Thursday. This is all well and good except that it means she's not going to bed at a decent time and sleeping well at night. Friday she hardly slept at all during the day and did manage to sleep for 4 hours straight last night. It does seem that no matter what around 7 or 8 in the morning she's awake and doesn't want to sleep anymore. I need to just start getting up then and when she goes down for a nap around 10 or 11, get some more rest. It doesn't do me any good to try and get her to sleep longer so that I can when she doesn't want to.

Leila is getting bigger everyday. We ran out of the new born diapers and decided to just go on ahead and use the size 1 that we have. They're big, but they fit her. She is still in some new born clothes but is slowly graduating from them and moving on to 0-3 months. She really is such a sweet heart, I'm so lucky to be her mother!

I'm getting really excited for October! October 1st-3rd we're going to Laughlin AFB in Del Rio to visit our friends, October 6th Piper is coming to visit for several days, Kolt is getting promoted to 1st LT on October 5th I think, and then we're going home for two weeks!!! September is winding down and soon the awesomeness that will be October will be here :) That will be so much fun, not sure I can handle it all.

I have a friend here, Annie, that I wanted to brag about. She works with Kolt and is also known as Capt. Nesbit. Annie is in Maryland for a training for her upcoming deployment in November. She was out jogging the other day with some other officers and apparently one of them had a heart attack during the jog. Like full on collapse, unconscious, the real deal, heart attack. Annie, being the AMAZING nurse that she is, kept her wits about her and performed CPR on the man. He went on to have bypass surgery and is expected to make a full recovery. Thanks to Annie that man is alive today. She is truly a hero in every sense of the word and I'm so proud to know her and call her my friend.

The whole weight loss thing kind of sucks. I'm down 21 lbs so far, but I gained (can't believe I'm going to admit this) 47 during the pregnancy. So I've lost almost half of it, not really doing anything besides walking and some sit ups. I try to eat well but I'm not stressing over it yet. I'm looking forward to my 6 week appointment so I can get the green light to start running. I'm not going to lie though, the 1 mile walk I'm currently doing leaves me winded by the end of it, so it's going to be a LONG road back to a 5k. I keep meaning to look up a race in November to run, but haven't done it yet. I read on my friend Chrissy's blog that she plans on starting to run too, so maybe it's something we can do together. I will of course ask Annie and Kolt to run it with me, but they're in a league SO far ahead of me I can't hope to keep pace with them anytime soon. Eventually, I hope, but not yet.

Reflecting back on 26

I am now 27 years old. At first I was kind of having a hard time with it. I know most people would laugh at me for any kind of discomfort for a twenty something age, but I finally realized why I was struggling with it. 26 was pretty much the best year of my life. So many wonderful things happened to us this past year that I'm hard pressed to believe that it can get any better. Here's a recap of 26.

-Shortly after my 26th birthday we FINALLY got Kolt's orders and found out we were moving to Texas. We had been waiting for that information for months and we were SO happy when we finally got the news.

-Kolt's COT date got bumped up from January to October. While it was scary and hectic, this truly worked out for the best for us. Kolt met our very good friend Annie at COT and we were able to move on with our lives that much sooner.

-Kolt had PRK eye surgery and no longer needs glasses or contacts to see!

-I got pregnant. We weren't trying and that was the best part. We had been in San Antonio just over a week when I found out. One of the best days ever.

-I had a mostly worry free and easy pregnancy. After two losses in years past, I was SO grateful to have a complication free pregnancy.

-We've made some great friends. The Nesbit's, the Amport's, the Sanders', and most recently the White's. These are some of the most amazing people and I feel so fortunate to have met them and become friends with them all.

-And of course the most wonderful thing of all, Leila was born. How can you ask for anything more than the perfect child that we have?

When I look back at my birthday last year and think about all that's happened since then, it seems like a whole different life and world away. Last year we were living in a small apartment in down town Salt Lake, childless, pre-air force. I have a hard time even remembering what life was like before Kolt joined the air force.

Over all 26 in all honesty was likely the best year of my life, so far. 27 is going to bring with it new adventures and challenges. Watching Leila grow up will be amazing, sending Kolt off to Afghanistan will not. I don't like to think about that, but it's a reality we'll be facing soon enough.

My birthday ended up being really fun, courtesy of the White's. They came up from Laughlin AFB in Del Rio to visit and we just have such a blast with them. We went to dinner, then we shopping for a present for me. I was hoping to get some sort of peridot jewelry for Leila and for Kolt since they're both August babies. (Kolt argues and tells everyone it's NOT for him, but it is as much for him as Leila.) We got to the mall and shopped and walked out with a darling new outfit for Leila, a new iPhone 4 for Kolt, and nothing for me. :( There was a necklace that I did like, but I want to shop around a little more before I make the purchase. But regardless, I had a good time. We're actually going to go down to Del Rio to visit the White's in a few weeks and Kolt is going to compete with Stephen in a shooting competition. It sounds like a really fun contest and Kolt will LOVE it. It happens to fall on a 4 day weekend for Kolt, so we'll probably spend several days there. I can't wait!

Settling in

Well this week my mother went home and it's just been the three of us. I cried after she walked into the airport. Kolt looked at me and said "We'll see her again in a couple months, it's ok." I tried to explain that's not why I was crying. I mean, I will miss my mother, but I was crying because now we were officially on our own. No more moms around to do the laundry, or dishes. No moms to make three delicious meals a day. Just us.

We've actually done pretty well, although I will say our meals are struggling some what. I need to make out a menu so I don't have to stress about what to make every day, I think that will make things much easier for me. Kolt has still been home on paternity leave and we've mostly just been hanging out. However yesterday he went in to work for a meeting at 10am that I assumed would last an hour. At 1pm I get a text saying the leadership hadn't even shown up for the meeting yet and he would still be a long while. Leila and I did great though. She eats, sleeps, snuggles, repeat. Throw in an occasional diaper change and that was our day. I created her birth announcement and caught up with some friends with FB chat. It was basically like any other day before Leila came along, except I get snuggled all day now. Can't really complain about that. When Kolt came home is when she decided to get fussy lol. It actually lasted into the night and we are both dying today. Sucky thing is Kolt had to work an 8 hour shift today, Leila and I stayed in bed til 10:30. We didn't sleep much, but at least we got to relax. Now that we've gotten up and ready for the day, she's asleep, peacefully in her chair. Little stinker.

My birthday is tomorrow and at the moment, as far as I know, there are zero plans in the works. I had initially wanted to do a spa day, but none of my friends can go and I don't want to do it alone, so I'm back to square one. I've been debating asking a friend to babysit so Kolt and I could go out to dinner....but I'm not sure I can bear it. I've left Leila for an hour before but not any longer than that. I know she'd be fine and I'd be fine, but I wonder whether or not I'd actually be able to enjoy the night out because I'd be stressing about her. We'll see what Kolt comes up with but I kind of have a feeling 27 will be pretty uneventful. He unexpectedly had to go back to work yesterday and today, so any time he may have used is gone. But considering I got the BEST present ever this year, I can't really complain :)

We got Leila's new born pictures done this week. She is such a beautiful child. It's hard to see how much she's grown when I'm around her all the time but comparing her 3 day old pics to her 2.5 week pics, I can really tell how big she's getting!

Second week as a new mom

Leila had her 2 week appointment today. She's now 8 lbs 5 oz, up from her 3 day check up of 7 lbs 2 oz!! I'm so relieved. I've kind of been able to tell that she's been gaining as she has some little rolls on her legs now, but it's nice to know for sure. She's been sleeping for long stretches at night (one night up to 5 hours) and rather than enjoy it and rest, I've been worried. Now I'm hoping I can relax and catch up on some sleep.

This week has been pretty uneventful. Kolt's parents went home, :( that was really hard. His mother was such an amazing help to me, I hardly had to lift a finger the whole week other than to hold Leila. She cooked and cleaned and just made transitioning home that much easier. Besides all of that, I adore his parents and miss getting to be around them more. The only thing that made it easier was knowing we're coming home to visit at the end of October.

Even though Kolt's parents have gone, my mother is still here and that has been wonderful. She is also an amazing help with Leila and the upkeep of the house, but I am trying to do more than just sit around and hold my baby. We made banana bread yesterday, and I'm hoping to actually start making some meals. Mom also prompts me to go on a walk at least once a day which is good. I was so gung ho to start running, I failed to realize how hard it would be to get back into it. I have some sort of stupid injury to my heal/achilles tendon. It's hard to describe but basically if I put on a shoe that has a back to it, it HURTS. It's almost like it's bruised when pressure is put on it. Kolt thinks it may be because I've worn flip flops forever and my foot is in dire need of good support. I'm going to give it to my 6 week check up and then ask my doc for a referral to a podiatrist or orthopedist. I HAVE to be able to run to get this baby weight off! I'll keep everyone updated as to how that goes.

The weather here finally seems to be cooling down. Well, I say that and what I mean by cool down is highs in the low 90s lol. In fact today the high is 87! What a relief that is. I'm hoping soon to see the end of the 90's and welcome the 80's. It probably won't get down to 70's until October, but it gives me something to look forward to.

Leila continues to be such a great baby. I hope she stays this great, if she does then being a mom really won't be so hard. I always heard how difficult it was to have a new born and we have yet to see why. Hopefully we aren't jinxing it, but she only cries when she's hungry or has a tummy ache, and she never cries for very long. She's so snuggly and happy, we're so blessed!

Our first week home

I can't believe she's a week old already. Why is it that the end of pregnancy is endless but once the baby is here time speeds up at an exponential rate?? It's been a wonderful week home and I'm so happy with my life, I'll share a bit of it with you.

I've really struggled with how poorly I handled the pitocin and contractions while I was in labor. It seems like I know a lot of women who have been on it that didn't even need pain meds, or at least lasted longer than 3 hours. I felt like such a pansy for dealing with it how I did. However, I've realized some things that have helped me to feel better about it all. 1- My water had already broken BEFORE I got the pit. Any time I think about others who have talked about it usually their waters get broken farther along down the road, and at this point their contractions pick up. Because mine was already broken it made the whole experience much more intense right from the start. 2-Again because my water had broken they wouldn't let me move around. Being confined to the bed is about the worst position to labor in without meds I've decided and I had no choice. When they went to administer the epidural and had me turn to the side of the bed and hang my feet off and curl over, I felt MUCH better. After thinking about and understanding my situation a little bit more I've decided maybe I'm not such a wuss after all. But even if I am, so what. That epidural MADE my experience. I don't think I would ever go for a med free birth because it was so enjoyable with it.

Before I was discharged from the hospital I had a bit of a scare. The pediatrician had come in to assess Leila and I had been given my lunch tray, so I figured I'd hurry and eat. It was baked chicken and some sort of broccoli cheddar rice. I didn't think I was shoveling it in too quickly, but when I went to take a drink of water all of a sudden I felt like I was choking. At the base of my throat I could feel the food was stuck and I couldn't get it down. I felt like I was getting light headed and told Kolt's dad I thought I was going to choke. He yells over to Kolt, "she's choking!" but Kolt was staring at the baby and thought Terry was talking about her. Kolt replied, "she can't be choking, she's crying." At this point I'm starting to get really scared thinking that the Heimlich would REALLY hurt since I'd just had a baby. Thankfully at that point I started to cough and it came back up. Gross. Now I'm spitting up just like my baby. I was SO embarrassed, but glad to be ok. New mom lesson #1, take time to CHEW your food.

Coming home was wonderful, I got discharged after 24 hours. The normal policy is 48, but Leila and I were both doing so well there was no need to keep us :) The first thing Kolt did when we got home was introduce the dogs to the baby. It was very sweet and they are doing really well with her.

This week has been so relaxing and enjoyable. I'm getting a fair amount of sleep and what I'm not getting mommy power is making up for. I never would have been able to survive prior to having Leila on less than 5 hours a night, and now I thrive on it. She is such a good baby though. If I could relax enough to take advantage of it, she usually gives us at least one three hour stretch each night. If not four.

Having Kolt's parents and my mom here has been such a blessing. They seem to take care of everything for me from the meals to the cleaning. I try to help out when I can but it's nice to have to. They've helped to make this transition so much easier and I'll never be able to make it up to them.

Seeing Kolt with Leila has been something else. He's so rough and tough around the edges that seeing him melt for that little girl has been heart warming. He takes such good care of her and loves her so much, it makes me love him that much more. The other night he came to bed and hadn't gotten to hold her much that day thanks to all the grandparents. He looked at me and said, "Give me my baby, I haven't gotten to hold her all day. She needs some daddy snuggles." (sniff). He's a much better father than I had ever anticipated (not that I didn't think he would be, he's just SO much more than I ever hoped for) and has been an amazing help around the house. He's cleaned and organized and cooked and made sure to remind me to go nap even if I don't want to. He's incredible. And we just found out today that he doesn't have to go back to work until an on call shift of the 12th of September, and a real shift on the 13th. That gives him three full weeks off, and I don't think he's being charged for any of it other than his paternity leave.

We've taken Leila out quite a bit already. To the store, the Alamo, and just around to run errands. A few people have made comments about how young she is and their shock that we have her out of the house, but it's warm, we're careful, and I think getting out is a good thing for her and me as well. She does amazingly well in her car seat, even if she's awake. She also will take a bottle and breast feed perfectly. She is such an amazing child, we're so blessed.

I plan to try and blog about our little family once a week. My entire pregnancy I looked forward to Fridays because that meant I was another week closer to meeting my baby, so now I'll look forward to sharing our lives with our sweet child with you.

The birth of Leila Katherine

The Birth of Leila Katherine

We'll start off on Thursday August 19th. I had spent most of the week feeling pretty discouraged about my lack of labor and really even lack contractions at all. My sister Piper was coming to visit for a couple days and would be here that evening. I had resigned myself to think at that point that I would be going past my due date and should just enjoy the weekend with my sister and my in laws who would be arriving Friday.

We met up with my sister Thursday evening. We got some pizza and stayed up til about 1 am just talking and catching up. We figured a late night wouldn't hurt us since we could sleep in the next morning.

On Friday August 20th, my actual due date, I got up at about 4:20am to go to the bathroom. I waddled my way in there, finished up and came back to bed. I was trying to get comfortable and was attempting to roll from my left side to my back. When I plopped on to my back all of a sudden I felt this huge GUSH. I knew immediately my water had broken! It's the kind of thing you dream about and hope for but don't actually think will happen to you.

I got up and went to the bathroom to check the color (as green is an indicator that meconium has passed from the baby) and saw that it was clear. My heart was racing, this was too good to be true! I went back into the bed room and woke up Kolt. “Hey baby, my water just broke.” His grumbled reply, “What time is it?” So I told him and he moaned, and got him up out of bed. I called the labor and delivery unit since I wasn't having any contractions, thinking that maybe they would want me to labor at home a while but when I called they said to come in immediately since my water had broken and the risk of infection is very high. The next step was to wake up my sister.

I went to her room, “Piper, wake up. My water broke.” Her reply, “Are you serious?” It took some convincing. In fact, I think I had to reassure her about ten times that it really did break, that I wasn't coming into her room at 4:45 in the morning to play with her. Then she starts questioning me, “Are you really sure your water broke. Because a lot of women think that it's broken when it's not.” I told her that I knew I didn't just pee myself. That I had gone to the bathroom first and that I NEVER had any incontinence issues the whole pregnancy. So with that we finished packing up our stuff and headed off to the hospital.

On the drive eight minute drive I probably had at least two contractions. I was thinking this was probably good and hopefully my body would just take over. Once I got up to triage they hooked me up to the monitors. Baby's heart rate was good but I wasn't having any contractions. The doctor came in to do an exam to make sure my water had broken and I gushed even more when she went to look. She said “Yea you're definitely ruptured. Let's get you to a room.” I asked her how dilated I was and she said because I was group B strep positive AND my water had broken that they wouldn't be checking me very often at all. She tried to see my cervix during the exam but couldn't. So we were going blind.

They got me to a room and I got into a gown and got in bed. It was at this point they told me because my water had broken that I was no longer allowed to get out of bed because there was a risk of the cord descending below the baby's head and getting pinched off. That was a bit of a punch to the stomach. That meant I couldn't use my birthing ball, that meant that I couldn't walk or do anything but lay reclined and maybe on my side. What this also meant was that I couldn't use the rest room. I ended up having to use a bed pan to pee, twice. Talk about humbling and embarrassing. I asked what happened if I needed to go poop, she said “in the bed pan.” I was mortified! I hadn't been yet that morning and was hoping to go before it was time to push so that I wouldn't poop during delivery....now I couldn't decide what was worse, the bed pan or during delivery.

It was shift change and so it took quite a while to get hooked up to an IV. I got into a room at about 5:45am and it was 8:30 before they started ATTEMPTING to insert my IV. I'm not sure what we did during that three hour wait....but it seems like it went by really quickly. Anesthesia came in and did their schpiel about the risks and I signed the paper work as I was pretty sure I'd be wanting an epidural at some point. Then the med tech came in to insert my IV and I wasn't too stressed. I don't mind needles but I'd never had one in my hand before. She goes to stick me and starts to thread it, and it blew. So she went to try my other hand, she stuck me and it started to thread and then my my vein went from straight to an “S” shape. Even Kolt said he'd never seen anything like it. So my med tech apologized profusely and said she was going to get the nurse to try.

The nurse comes in and sticks me, and it blows. Then she goes to the other hand and sticks me again, and it blows. FOUR attempts and nothing. She said she saw one more vein that looked good and could she try, but when anesthesia had come in earlier and said that if they couldn't get a vein to have them page them. I told the nurse to have anesthesia do it.

The anesthesiologist came in and saw that they'd tried four times and was pretty upset. He said they should only try twice before they page them. Well, he got it in the first try but MAN it hurt. He got it in deep and it ached badly, but it was in. Which means we could finally start pitocin since I wasn't contracting regularly on my own. We could also start the antibiotics which was so important. They said they wanted at least fours hours on antibiotics before they wanted me to deliver.

Pitocin ranges from on a scale from 0-42 units. They started me out on 6 to see how it would go. After an hour the contractions were starting to get painful but I could still handle it. The nurse asked if I wanted the epidural yet. I told her I could still handle it but if it got much worse I'd want it soon. She told me “well you don't want to get it too soon because then it may run out.” This is NOT what anesthesia told me. They said because my water had broken I could have it any time I wanted and it was a continuous infusion so it would last as long as it needed to. But because she said this is scared me from asking for it so soon. BIG mistake.

When we got to 10:30 the contractions were coming about every 90 seconds and were extremely painful. I asked for the epidural but they told me they were in the next room working on that patient and it would be a bit before they could get to me. The contractions were almost not letting up at all in between each other and I was writhing in pain. I couldn't breathe through them, and I couldn't change position because I was confined to the bed. It is the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. I guess I started to hyperventilate because I started feeling really light headed. My lips tingled, my fingers tingled, and my legs were almost numb. Kolt hit the call light and tells the lady to get my nurse, I can't breathe and I'm about to pass out. We wait a few minutes, mean while my eyes are rolling back and I'm fighting for consciousness. Kolt hits the button again, “We need her nurse NOW.” The lady said she'd paged her. We wait a few more minutes and Kolt hits the button again, “We need her nurse NOW. DON”T MAKE ME GO FIND HER MYSELF!!” She replied “Yes sir.” But still another minute and no one comes. I'm fighting to stay awake because I keep almost passing out and I'm in so much pain I can't speak. Finally Kolt says “if they won't come with the call light then I'll hit the emergency button. If they won't come then I'll hit the code blue button.” I begged him not to hit the code blue button but he did hit the emergency button. It was like MAGIC. All of a sudden about 10 people run in and are asking what's wrong. Kolt starts to yell at them and say I've been passing out for 10 minutes. They all automatically assumed it was because I'd had an epidural and my blood pressure was bottoming out. I yelled “I haven't HAD my epidural yet. At least two people tried to say that was why and we had to tell them I hadn't had an epidural. I started to panic thinking that if I was already passing out that they wouldn't give me the epi. They put an oxygen mask on my face but didn't bother to inflate the bag on it, so if Kolt hadn't fixed it, it never would have helped. I couldn't have been more grateful for his nursing expertise and his fierce protective instincts. He made sure things got done.

Anesthesia also came in with this flood of people and asked if I was ready and where my pain scale was. 10/10 I told them. They told me to start breathing slowly and to try and stay awake. They got their stuff ready and had me turn to the side and hang my feet off the bed and roll forward. THAT helped immensely with my pain. It still hurt like hell but at least I could deal with it then. It made me realize that maybe if I weren't confined to the bed I might have been able to handle the pitocin with more grace. I felt like such a wimp, 3 hours on the pit at 6/42....I just felt like I should have been able to do better. BUT I knew all along I'd be asking for the epi. He had me lean forward and I was able to stay perfectly still even during the contractions and he stuck me with the lidocaine. That stung a bit but wasn't bad at all. After that, I didn't feel him stick me with the giant needle or anything! It was a piece of cake. Thank goodness.

After a few minutes the contractions became bearable but I could still feel it a bit on my left side, but again, it was so much better. Anesthesia left and after a few more minutes all I could feel was pressure, no pain at all. I could also still move my legs and toes and everything! God bless the inventor of the epidural and my amazing anesthesiologist. It made my experience.

They checked me right before I got the epi, I was only a 3, mostly effaced and still at -1 station. I was pretty discouraged by that. After all the pain of the pit and I'd barely progressed. I'd kind of geared up for a long day. But at least it would be a pain free day!! I was on the phone after that and texting and face booking. All the while feeling some pressure but no pain. I got the epi at 11:30.

The next few hours were spent with me on my phone, watching a movie and just talking with Kolt and my sister. I told Piper that it was all happening so fast that I was worried about how I'd feel about the baby. What if I didn't love her right away? What if there was this disconnect? She said it was normal to worry about that but she was sure I'd be fine.

Piper and Rich had wanted to go run some errands and she kept asking me if I had any clue where I was. All this time I've only been checked once the whole day and so I had no clue, I couldn't feel much of anything. I told her to go on and if anything changed we'd call. I told her I could feel the pressure in my bum a bit, so I knew the baby was dropping but I didn't feel the need to push. So she and Rich left a little after 3 pm.

At about 3:15 they came in to check me. The doc says. “Um yea she's complete and a +2. Time to start pushing.” Holy crap, I went from 3cm and -1 to a 10 and +2 in four hours! They had turned my pit up to 14 but that's all. Kolt called Piper and told her to come back, so she furiously ran back up to the unit. She came in all red faced and sweaty, it was pretty funny.
At 3:35 I started to push. I had been worried about this part because I know a lot of first time moms don't know how to push, add that to the fact that I had an epi and I was worried this part was going to take forever.

Doctor was all ready, contraction came, and I pushed like they told me to, and to my surprise they were all impressed and thrilled! I kept at it and was told I was a “very effective pusher” and she'd be here in no time. She was coming down at a good rate, not too fast not too slow, so the doctor left and I kept at it. Kolt was on my left leg, Piper on my right which left the nurse available to coach. I told everyone I didn't want everyone counting, I didn't want it loud, and I didn't want a man to count, I just thought it might irritate me. So either the nurse or Piper counted the whole time.

At 4:20 the doc came back in to check on me and decided it was time to gear up. A few more pushes and Leila Katherine was born. Her head came out and the doc immediately asked if Kolt would cut the cord. It was wrapped around her neck and when I tried to push our her shoulders it tugged on her and her face turned blue. So the doc is telling Kolt to hurry and cut and he's thinking “well give me a minute it's around her neck!” She wasn't in distress though, it only tightened up right at the end when the rest of her came out. I wouldn't find out about the cord until later. She also had a bowel movement on the way out so after she was born the pediatrician took her immediately to make sure she was ok. But I heard her scream, that glorious, wonderful sound. I made the comment that it was even prettier in person than on a baby story. My next thought was she's beautiful! Truly. I know everyone thinks their babies are gorgeous but she truly is a beautiful baby.

It took about 15 minutes before she was all assessed and ready to be placed in my arms. I'm sure there are pics of this but I actually haven't seen them yet. It's a moment I'll never forget. My baby, my perfect baby was finally here. And the whole doubt about if I'll love her, not a problem. My heart was SO full. In fact, once she was out and they had her on the table and I really got a look at her, I just started bawling. Kolt was close by her the whole time and you could see the amazement in his face as well.

It was an incredible experience, and aside from that awful hour waiting for the epidural, it was perfect. My water broke ON MY DUE DATE. Who does that happen to? I've been meaning to look up statistics but haven't bothered yet. My sister, who was only here for about 2 days total was able to be there for the whole thing. My epidural worked perfectly, I could still move my legs, feel to push, but had no pain so it was an enjoyable experience. Labor was 12 hours from start to finish and 45 minutes of pushing. She was 7lbs 13 oz of miracle. Everything about this pregnancy, from the timing (which was unplanned) to the lack of complications, to her delivery, were perfect. Now I'm terrified of something else going wrong because it has all been so ideal. All I can do is hope and pray and count my blessings. My life will never be the same because of that precious child, and I love her more than I ever thought possible.