Party Success

The party is over, it's everything I hoped it would be. By some miracle Kolt had the night off. He hasn't had a night off in over 3 weeks and he happened to get tonight off. He's had a horrible internet connection that made skype really difficult, yesterday they changed providers so now his signal is really strong and he was able to skype in for the entire party. Having him there, even electronically, made it so much easier on me.

I worked really hard on her cake. I ended up using fondant for the monkey's face. Considering I'd never worked with it before and I didn't have the proper tools, I'm pleased with the cake. I had to improvise on a lot with it, and it turned out really cute.

I couldn't bring myself to sing happy birthday. I tried, but every time I started singing, I would get choked up. Partly because my baby is one, partly because her daddy couldn't be there in person.

He surprised Leila and myself by getting her a gift I didn't know about. It caught me off guard and brought me to full on tears.

I'm so grateful for everyone who came. The food was delicious and the company enjoyable. I think I've decided that kid's parties are just as fun for the parents! I loved helping Leila open her gifts, she got some wonderful presents and we are so grateful!

I made a slide show of pics of Leila over the last year. I forgot to show it during the party, but here's the link to it (since I can't post it for some reason.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljb3fx042wc

Now I guess the next thing I'm looking forward to is my birthday in 3 weeks. I have no clue what the plans are or what I want to do, but I want to have fun. When I was younger, I picked 28 as the age I would like to be forever, so it had better be a fun one.

My Dearest Leila

My Dear Sweet Leila Punkin',

You're one today. I'll be honest and say this is hard for me. You are getting so big so fast! I love the little person you're turning into and I can really start to see glimpses of who you're going to be when you're older. You're going to be fiesty, proud, stubborn, brilliant, sweet, and always, always a daddy's girl.

You've done some pretty amazing things this year, you're learning to walk, and I really think you could, but you're still scared to try on your own yet, so you love to go for walks with me holding onto your fingers. I watched you roll over for the first time:

I've watched you learn how to eat:

I've been here for everything, and I always will be.

It's been hard with your daddy gone, but you my darling, make things so much easier for me. Thank you so much for being the sunshine that brightens my day. Thank you so much for being such an amazing person. I am so lucky to be your mother, I love you beyond words, and you will ALWAYS be my sweet little baby.

One more week

I have a feeling this week is going to be really emotional for me. In one week my beautiful baby will be one. I'll no longer have an "infant", I'll have a toddler, despite the fact that she still has yet to toddle. I'm saving a blog post about her and for her for next week, but I just can't get it out of my mind how quickly this year went. How I went from a itty bitty new born who just cried and snuggled and ate, to this big girl who crawls, and laughs, and plays, and gets into everything. It's such a cliche to say "they grow so fast" but it is so true. I'm finding a lot of people are asking me if I'm excited for her birthday. "Um, no. Not so much." is my typical reply. Should I be excited? I suppose. I truly do LOVE the little person she's turning into. Watching a baby grow and learn is the most rewarding thing about being a mother and I have no doubts that my hands are going to be full with her and her big ol' attitude and energy. But she makes me smile when I'm sad, she loves me perfectly and purely, she is the best thing to ever happen to me. Through the sleepless nights, and the tantrums, and the biting, she is my precious little girl, and she ALWAYS will be.

I think a really big part of my trepidation about this, is that Kolt is going to miss it. First birthdays are a BIG deal, the biggest next to 16 in my humble opinion. There's just something about celebrating a first birthday that is so special and wonderful, and yet..... he doesn't get to be here. We had an early party for her before he left, and I'm SO glad we did, but his presence will be noticeably absent on Saturday and I hope I can make it through without crying. I opted just to do a family birthday, rather than ones with all of my friends up here for this very reason. I feel the need to have the support from the people I rely on most. True it's Leila's party, but the guests will be there to support me through that special day, since my husband can't be. It's one of the many reasons I'm so glad we came home. There are just some things, no matter how great of friends you have, that you need your own family for.

Warm and Fuzzy

Today was a fabulous day. I got to spend over an hour talking to my husband, and that just leaves the biggest smile on my face. I love him so much. For some people, a deployment will ruin their marriage, and this will do nothing but strengthen ours. We still have a long way to go, but we're making head way, and eventually he'll come home, and we'll be very happy.

I did something good today. Well, I helped prompt a LOT of people to do something good. I just had this idea come to me and I felt very overwhelmed that it was something I had to do. So I just asked for help to make it happen, and we did it. I got way more support than I was ever expecting and this one random thought I had just helped to change someone's life. Helped make their lives a little easier and gave them one less thing to worry about. I couldn't be happier that I listened to my gut on that and helped to make a difference. This family that we helped is amazing and beyond deserving. I feel all warm and fuzzy tonight knowing that I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself that my husband is gone. Sometimes, it's just NOT about me.

I encourage anyone and everyone (all 30 of you who read this, haha) to listen to your heart and reach down deep inside and ask what you can do for others. You'd be amazed at all the good you could do if you just look for the opportunity. Nothing in the world makes you more grateful and happy for all that you DO have, than service for others.

Annoyed

Tomorrow will mark the longest time Kolt and I have ever been apart. Before this it was 6 weeks when he went to ASBC in Alabama while I was pregnant. That seemed like such a LONG time to be apart. [scoffs] What did I know? At first I was looking forward to this day because it finally meant to me that I could legitimately miss Kolt. He's been gone a while, and with the trip to New Jersey it feels like he's been gone a long time, since April. I shouldn't discount those 2.5 weeks we got to spend together, but if you really look at it, he's been gone 11 weeks. That sounds more accurate in my mind. He's been gone long enough, and I've been here long enough that it feels normal to have him gone. I don't like that, not at all. It is what it is, it's what we signed up for and I accept that, but I don't have to like it, not today.

I've been REALLY struggling lately with people annoying me, complaining about stupid things that just don't matter (yes I know they matter to them, but it's things that JUST aren't that big of a deal) and I just want to scream at them to get a dose of reality. Oh, you miss your husband because he works all day? Me too, except mine works 7000 miles away and we don't get to go to bed together at night. I just want to look at them and say "Shut up and be grateful he gets to come home at night. Be grateful you don't have to worry about him getting bombed and not coming home at all." This is completely unfair of me and I know it. The feelings remind me of when I had miscarried my babies and I'd have people come up to me and tell me they knew how I felt, only they had children when they lost theirs. I'd just think "Well at least you have children, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have any." That wasn't fair either, not at all. But regardless, it's how I feel, and I really don't like it.

I don't feel like I'm being negative (although re-reading this it certainly sounds like it) I'm just being a brat. What's going on in someone else's life has no effect on mine. Who's to say that woman can't miss her husband because he works long hours? Who am I to judge that situation? I don't know how to let these feelings go though. Maybe over time I'll stop being so cynical and be ok, but today and most days lately, I'm annoyed. If any of you military wives reading this have any suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

Kolt is still working his 13 hour grave shifts. Hasn't had a day off in a long time. Might get a day off in a few days, but we don't know for sure. He's proposing a new schedule to his commander, one that makes MUCH more sense and is fair to everyone, I'm just hoping he goes for it. Kolt says he's doing ok, but I worry about him and his lack of rest. How can I not? I'm also struggling with not being able to talk to him for longer than 10 minutes at a time. Even when we can talk, he's either rushing out the door to work, or it's late and we both need to go to bed and I feel guilty for keeping him. I was spoiled the first month getting to chat with him for hours a day, it made it feel like he wasn't so far away. Now I'm really missing him and it's hard, no other way to say it. I'm hoping this week goes better, at least as far as my emotions are concerned.

New perspective

I will never complain about sleep, or lack there of again.

Ok, so maybe that's not entirely true, but I have issued a challenge to myself to be more mindful of my whining. I have had some reality checks the last few days that have put things into perspective for me. My husband, my incredibly amazing, selfless, heroic husband's schedule has just changed at work. Instead of 2 on 2 off, now he's 7 on, no off, no on call, grave yard shifts. Some of the other nurses just finished up their deployments and went home and so they lost some help, but the other nurses are not working half of what Kolt is, and they have day time hours. I have no clue how this happened or how long it's going to last, but at the moment it is indefinite. He's lucky to get 5 hours of sleep a night (day) because everyone else is getting ready and heading out at those times, so their super armored rocket proof doors are slamming away, thus resulting in an impossible sleeping situation. He'll be working 12 hour nights, every night, for the next 5 months. I do not even know the meaning of the word tired, and I won't complain about it, ever again.

I also have some friends with babies who are not well, those moms stay up most nights worrying about if they're sweet child will wake up or not.....I have no idea what the word tired means and am embarrassed at my rants about it. I have a healthy daughter, who plays, and laughs and hasn't had to be in the hospital.....I am so fortunate, and I take it for granted.

I'm feel so guilty at my complaining. Yes it's hard to have my husband deployed, but he'll come home, I still have him. Yes it's hard having an almost one year old wake up multiple times a night to nurse or be cuddled, but I have an almost one year old to wake up, and I know several incredible people who would give anything to have their own child. I need to be grateful for all I do have, and focus on the positive. I hate being around negative people, and I refuse to turn into one of them.

So help keep me in check. I will have bad days, as we all do, but i'm going to try and be about 95% positive, because in the grand scheme of things, I am beyond blessed.