Having a rough time lately

I'm never going to write about how my kids sleep ever again. It's just an invitation for them to prove me wrong. Leila's sleep has of course gotten very messed up. I can't figure out why and it stresses me out beyond belief because I won't be able to keep doing what I'm doing once the baby is here. I keep hoping it's a phase and will pass, but coming on three weeks into this new trend and I'm beginning to think it's a permanent change.

I've gotten a lot of advice on how to fix it, some wanted, some not, and I realize that if I don't want to hear other people's opinions on the matter, I need to just stop asking for help, or talking about it in general. Everyone has something that works for them, but ultimately my kid is different, circumstances are different, life in general is different, and so I just have to figure it out for myself. I've become a huge emotional basket case because of this, crying all of the time, feeling like a failure as a mother, questioning how in the world I'm going to take care of two kids when the one I have can't sleep, and one that's going to be nursing every hour or two. I keep wondering am I going to screw my son up too? Is it my fault Leila won't sleep? What can I do differently, but ultimately do I WANT to implement huge changes to her life mere weeks from bringing another baby into this family? No, I don't honestly. So yea, I'm stuck.

These hormones are just completely messing me up. Last night I was in the bathroom before bed and I heard a whistle. At that same time my dog growled (which she doesn't do once she's gone to sleep for the night) and I became intensely terrified. The whistle sounded like it came from my living room and I thought for sure someone was in my house. I didn't know what to do, so I called Kolt to see if maybe he'd gotten sent home from work. By the time he answered his phone I was sobbing because I was so scared. He being the calm one in the midst of a crisis said it was probably the neighbor, calling in the dog for the night. We live so close to them that it sounded like it was from inside my house. Duh. Of course that's all it was. As though a home invader would whistle to announce his presence?

Even once I realized that's all it was, it was a good twenty minutes before I could calm down and stop crying. Apparently I'm useless in the event of an actual burglary. I didn't even have the instinct to run up stairs and protect my daughter. I just locked my door and started shaking and crying. What kind of mother does that??? That added to my feelings of complete incompetence and inadequacy as a mother.

I know eventually it will all come together. That when the baby is born and we're home it will be hard, but we'll figure it out. I know that stressing about things like Leila's lack of sleep and late bed time are pointless right now. I'm a few short weeks away from giving birth and I don't need to make things harder on myself than they already are by worrying. Some times I just need to vent though. Some times I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself without being given an answer to try and fix it. Some times I need to just be allowed to be upset. It eventually passes. Hopefully I can get a hold of myself and get back to being excited that the baby is going to be here very soon. I'm trying to get to that happy place, trying to just enjoy my daughter and our last days with just us. I'm trying, it's all I can do.

Hang on there, Jr.

Things have been getting a little more exciting around here, annoying for me, but exciting none the less. Ever since my 32 week appointment I've been having contractions. Noticeable at first and then as the week persisted on, painful and more regular. By Wednesday they were accompanied by lower back pain and I decided I'd better go in and get checked out. Five hours at the labor and delivery triage unit and what they told me was good news, yet not what we expected or believed to hear. It would appear I'm right on the cusp of needing concern. The doctor said after 34 weeks they don't intervene to stop labor, I'm almost 34 weeks. I'm dilating (went from a 1 to a 2 in a week) but not effacing, so they're not really concerned. My cervix is also shortening (went from 35mm to 28 mm in a week, anything less than 30 is supposedly concerning) and they said it was probably fine. So they sent me home, said to resume normal activity and come back if the contractions get to be more than six in one hour.

Kolt and I did not quite share their lax attitude. While yes, I am almost 34 weeks now, I am in no rush for this baby to get here. Six weeks premature is still too soon for my comfort and it seems that when I'm active, or pick up Leila or her toys, or even just sit in an uncomfortable position for too long, the stupid things come back. Last night we were at a restaurant with our friends for 2.5 hours and it seems like the whole evening was one LONG contraction. I was hurting really badly and starting to get scared. Thankfully once I got home they calmed down and as long as I take it easy, they're ok. So I'm sort of on self imposed limited duty.

All of this has made me realize just how soon Jr could be here. (He's still nameless and will likely remain so until he's born). A matter of a few weeks and I could be holding my son. I can't even fathom that concept, but these constant and persistent pains made me realize just how imminent his presence is. Most of us are thinking somewhere in the 37-38 week range he'll make his appearance, but I can see him being stubborn and starting all of this early just to give me grief. It makes planning for family to come to visit very difficult. It's made me realize just how perfect Leila's arrival was and how I shouldn't plan on it again. I hope for my own sake I'm not pregnant until or past my due date if this keeps up and continues to get worse because it hurts and is exhausting. This didn't start until 36 weeks with Leila and wasn't nearly this intense even until 38-39 weeks.

I shouldn't complain though. All things considered I have very easy pregnancies and healthy babies. Things could be so much worse or more precarious and I need to remember that. I just know that I do need to take it easy because it's just too soon for him to be here. Two to three more weeks and I'll relax, three to four would be ideal.

Now, a little bragging on my baby girl's part. She now sleeps in her own room, all the time. I rock her to sleep, but I truly don't mind right now. I'm cherishing every minute the two of us have because I know very soon her whole world is about to be flipped upside down. I love that she wants me to hold her, needs me to be there for her. I'm sure once Jr is here it will be hard and we'll have to adjust, but there are just no words to describe the feelings I have holding her as she falls asleep. I love her so much, am amazed at the incredible person she is, feel so fortunate to be her mother, and have no clue how I'm supposed to love another child as much as I love her. I know I will, I know will it be easy and come naturally, but Leila is just such a joy and I'm so grateful to have her.