Weight Loss/Fitness Blog?

I realize most of my posts lately are about my personal triumphs with weight loss, and I've been getting a lot of positive feed back about this. I was wondering if I created a blog specifically for that purpose, would anyone be interested in reading it? I feel like nobody reads this one as it is, but I've been overwhelmed with the people who have contacted me about my success and have asked for tips, help, suggestions, etc. I keep wondering who am I to offer help or advice about anything, let alone weight loss, but then I realize I've lost 84 pounds and that's simply no small feat and I need to accept the praise and realize just how awesome that is. I'd REALLY appreciate feedback and comments about whether or not I should start a separate blog.

I weighed in at 160.5 today, my goal before Kolt got home was 159....I may have to adjust. After the horrible weekend I had with Christmas food, I was shocked to see a loss, let alone 3 pounds! I am continuously blown away at my accomplishments, I was hoping to get to the 150s, but I think part of me never believed I'd actually get there. I suppose I shouldn't jinx myself yet because I haven't actually made it, but it's so close I can taste it. I'm not sure if I want to go to the 140s or not, we'll have to see how I feel and look. New goal is 155 before Kolt gets home, I feel pretty confident I'll be able to make it.

Keeping it Real

Since I've been on my high horse a lot lately about how much weight I've lost and what I've done to do it, I feel like I need to be honest about my Christmas weekend. I had about 2 days of total crap eating. Chips.....chips KILL ME. I love them so much and it's hard for me to eat just a few and so I certainly had plenty. Also pie and cake and ice cream, a few bits of Christmas candy....sigh. I felt like crap the whole time I was eating it and yet I couldn't make myself stop. It was scary to realize THAT is how it happens. Just a bite of this, a bite of that. And then 'well today is ruined I might as well enjoy the rest of the food' and then "well just this weekend, then Monday I'll get back on track." Thankfully, today I was able to go back to eating healthy, I haven't been able to work out since last Wednesday though and it's killing me! So I have to be extra careful with my diet until I can. It really is just that easy to slip and slide down the trail of unhealthy and over eating though, and now I really do know, I can't cheat on my diet, not until I'm at my goal weight, whatever that is. I am excited to be in maintenance mode, I'll be able to eat 1000 more calories a day! (probably won't, but I could.) I'll be there soon enough, hopefully just a few more months.

Today I went shopping with my sister and saw myself in my skinny jeans, new boots, and new top that I bought in a full length 3 sided mirror, I have to admit I was floored. I actually looked good. I'm not trying to brag or be cocky, this is just an actual realization that I never thought I would be able to say. I'm not fat any more, I can't believe it. I also found out that the size 30 jeans I wear are equivalent to a size 9, a NINE!!! I can't believe it. I know I can keep working and get down to a 29 or a 7 too. Who would have ever thought 83 pounds and a size 18 W ago that I'd be a 9? I have to keep reminding myself constantly to be proud of all I have accomplished, and refuse to let a weekend of bad eating drag me down. I'm human, I'll mess up, but it's about taking control and moving on and keeping true to your goals.

How I "do it."

Since making several blog and facebook posts about my weight loss, I've been getting a whole lot of "how do you do it??" So I thought I'd put it out there for everyone to read and take it as you will.

This has been an on going process from the time Leila was born. I suppose I'll own up to my discretions and post my weight. The day I delivered Leila I was a whopping 245. I'm beyond embarrassed to admit it, but part of celebrating in my success has to be acknowledging what I allowed myself to become.

I wasn't one of those bounce right back types. I was 196 before I got pregnant, so I gained 49 pounds. I exclusively breast fed and it still didn't fall off like so many had promised it would. I left the hospital 9 pounds less than when I walked in, Leila's weight plus the extra stuff that came with her delivery is all I lost. I think I remember the second week losing 7 pounds, so that put me at 229. I remember going home to Idaho in October 2010 and weighing 220, so I lost9 more pounds in those first two months for a total of 25 from the time she was born. I honestly wasn't doing anything special, no work outs, just trying not to eat like a pig...which I still did on occasion.

After getting family pictures done and seeing for myself just how fat I still looked, I committed to myself that I was going to focus on losing weight. I weighed in at 218 on Nov 8 2010. (I know this because I kept a journal). I still wasn't doing anything dramatic, a work out video here or there, trying to make good choices with food, that's all. By Thanksgiving I had lost 5 more pounds to be 214. It wasn't until the beginning of February that I got to 199, a HUGE step for me. By Feb 17 I was 196, my pre-pregnancy weight. 6 months to lose the 50 I had gained during pregnancy, a pretty healthy rate if you ask me. I believe I was so over weight that i didn't have to do much to make it come off at that point. I was not super consistent about eating well and exercising.

The next 30 has been more of a challenge. I started Weight Watchers in March when Kolt went to a training, that got me down to the 180s, where I stayed until he left in May for training for deployment. I was very on again off again with my diet, but him being gone is always a motivator for me. The month he was at combat training I got down to 176 by Weight Watchers and some light exercise. After he came home....I gained 10 back in 3 weeks. I let myself eat whatever I wanted, figured I had 6 months after he left to lose it and I let myself go. It took me until he'd been gone 3 months before I finally realized I was running out of time and had better get my act together.

So most recently what I've done is pretty strict but straight forward.

1- I eat 6 meals a day, every day. I truly believe that is essential to keeping your metabolism going and when your'e working out very hard, the protein is essential.

2- I drink nothing but water or sugar free tea with an occasional glass of skim milk. I drink between 3-4 liters of water every day.

3- I limit my sodium intake, and have lots of fiber and protein, and limit carbs to whole grain only.

4- I work my BUTT OFF at the gym. 3-5 times a week, 1.5-2 hours. I have a personal trainer (worth every single penny) that I work out with twice a week, about 45 minutes a time. I have stepped up my cardio to 60 minutes now, with about 30-45 minutes of strength training.

5- I DO NOT CHEAT with my diet, at all, ever (currently.) No bite of this, or taste of that. No soda, candy, cookies, chips, fried food, fast food, nothing. I could not lose I could only maintain by having crap or by having days where I ate what I wanted. The longer I do it, the easier it is because I've realized it's just not worth it. It's not. Even through the holidays, I've made cookies and not had a bite, been at parties and brought my own food so I didn't have to starve or eat high calorie foods. This is what a typical day looks like for me:

B- egg whites with spinach, onions, half a slice of turkey bacon, and a banana or piece of whole wheat 45 calorie toast. Approx 150 cals (i have this breakfast every day).

S- non fat greek yogurt, various fruit flavors. 140 cals

L- a low cal frozen dinner, smart ones or lean cuisine. 300 cals or less

S- protein bar 150-210 cals

D- Hungry Girl or Weight Watcher reciepe, 400 cals or less

S- Protein Shake post work out 130 cals.

grand total- 1300 ish.

With as little weight as I have left to lose (I am currently 164, my goal is 145-155) I had to step it up. Most people scoff at the gym, but strength training and muscle toning is ESSENTIAL to losing weight and keeping it off. Proper diet is important, but I know I'll never get back to 140s without weight lifting.

It's all about planning ahead. If I know I'm going to be somewhere there won't be good food, I eat ahead of time, or bring my own frozen dinner or protein bar to eat. I ask for the nutritional menu at restaurants because you'd be shocked as to what's "healthy" and what's not. If I eat out, it's a salad with grilled chicken or a grilled chicken sandwhich, no sauce. Is it "boring" yes. So what? I'd rather eat boring food and be thin, than eat fun food and be fat.

Being over weight (for most people) is a choice. Plain and simple. I chose not to exercise, I chose to eat fatty foods, I CHOSE TO BE FAT. I did it, no one else, me. I own that and I accept that. The nice thing about that is, you can also choose to be healthy. You can choose to put in the work and change you life. YOU CAN CHOOSE.

A lot of people have told me things like 'life's too short to be a gym rat and only eat rabbit food." In my opinion, life's too short to eat like crap and hate your body and be unhealthy, and it will be even shorter if you live that way. It's all about changing your mentality with food. Don't celebrate with food, don't give in to convenience processed food, don't eat just because it's there and everyone else is! This season is especially awful for that. I can see having ONE meal, ONE day where you can relax and let go, but why does it have to be days, weeks, months of grazing? People say "after New Year's I'll start to lose weight." How many times have you said that? I've said it a million times. I was fat for 9 years, almost all of my twenties, for what? Cake? Pizza? Ice cream? Did it really make me happier? Of course not. Every time I walked into a room I wondered if people noticed me as the fat chic. I wondered if people wondered what Kolt was doing with a fatty like me. I wondered if he regretted marrying me, since I was thin when we met. Every time I ran into someone I knew in high school all I could think about was "they must be thinking 'she really let herself go.' " Because I did. I HATED myself and the way I looked. Kolt can tell anyone how I bawled every time I went shopping. How humiliated I was to shop in plus size stores because nothing at the mall fit me anymore. I did that for YEARS. What for? Why?

There will come a point where the light will go off in your head and you'll realize "It is just not worth it." And you'll put the donut down and walk away. It's a liberating moment and the first step in a long journey. It's hard and discouraging. You won't lose every week. You'll work your butt off only to see a gain sometimes. It happens, but the end goal should not be a weight, or a size, it should be a lift time of health and wellness. It's not a diet, or a fad or a phase. It's a life style change and CHOICE, and no one can make it but you.

I'm not saying that I'm a skinny minnie expert. I still want to lose 20 more pounds, my BMI just dropped into normal range today. I will have good days and bad, and I'm sure this will be a life long process for me. But I am publicly announcing today my pledge to myself to never be fat again. Nothing is better than the self confidence and amazing feeling of satisfaction I have now, and I'm damn proud of myself and hope to continue to be proud and impress myself.

If any of you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't think of myself as a source of motivation, but apparently I am. So I'll gladly help in any way I can.

How I "do it."

Since making several blog and facebook posts about my weight loss, I've been getting a whole lot of "how do you do it??" So I thought I'd put it out there for everyone to read and take it as you will.

This has been an on going process from the time Leila was born. I suppose I'll own up to my discretions and post my weight. The day I delivered Leila I was a whopping 245. I'm beyond embarrassed to admit it, but part of celebrating in my success has to be acknowledging what I allowed myself to become.

I wasn't one of those bounce right back types. I was 196 before I got pregnant, so I gained 49 pounds. I exclusively breast fed and it still didn't fall off like so many had promised it would. I left the hospital 9 pounds less than when I walked in, Leila's weight plus the extra stuff that came with her delivery is all I lost. I think I remember the second week losing 7 pounds, so that put me at 229. I remember going home to Idaho in October 2010 and weighing 220, so I lost9 more pounds in those first two months for a total of 25 from the time she was born. I honestly wasn't doing anything special, no work outs, just trying not to eat like a pig...which I still did on occasion.

After getting family pictures done and seeing for myself just how fat I still looked, I committed to myself that I was going to focus on losing weight. I weighed in at 218 on Nov 8 2010. (I know this because I kept a journal). I still wasn't doing anything dramatic, a work out video here or there, trying to make good choices with food, that's all. By Thanksgiving I had lost 5 more pounds to be 214. It wasn't until the beginning of February that I got to 199, a HUGE step for me. By Feb 17 I was 196, my pre-pregnancy weight. 6 months to lose the 50 I had gained during pregnancy, a pretty healthy rate if you ask me. I believe I was so over weight that i didn't have to do much to make it come off at that point. I was not super consistent about eating well and exercising.

The next 30 has been more of a challenge. I started Weight Watchers in March when Kolt went to a training, that got me down to the 180s, where I stayed until he left in May for training for deployment. I was very on again off again with my diet, but him being gone is always a motivator for me. The month he was at combat training I got down to 176 by Weight Watchers and some light exercise. After he came home....I gained 10 back in 3 weeks. I let myself eat whatever I wanted, figured I had 6 months after he left to lose it and I let myself go. It took me until he'd been gone 3 months before I finally realized I was running out of time and had better get my act together.

So most recently what I've done is pretty strict but straight forward.

1- I eat 6 meals a day, every day. I truly believe that is essential to keeping your metabolism going and when your'e working out very hard, the protein is essential.

2- I drink nothing but water or sugar free tea with an occasional glass of skim milk. I drink between 3-4 liters of water every day.

3- I limit my sodium intake, and have lots of fiber and protein, and limit carbs to whole grain only.

4- I work my BUTT OFF at the gym. 3-5 times a week, 1.5-2 hours. I have a personal trainer (worth every single penny) that I work out with twice a week, about 45 minutes a time. I have stepped up my cardio to 60 minutes now, with about 30-45 minutes of strength training.

5- I DO NOT CHEAT with my diet, at all, ever (currently.) No bite of this, or taste of that. No soda, candy, cookies, chips, fried food, fast food, nothing. I could not lose I could only maintain by having crap or by having days where I ate what I wanted. The longer I do it, the easier it is because I've realized it's just not worth it. It's not. Even through the holidays, I've made cookies and not had a bite, been at parties and brought my own food so I didn't have to starve or eat high calorie foods. This is what a typical day looks like for me:

B- egg whites with spinach, onions, half a slice of turkey bacon, and a banana or piece of whole wheat 45 calorie toast. Approx 150 cals (i have this breakfast every day).

S- non fat greek yogurt, various fruit flavors. 140 cals

L- a low cal frozen dinner, smart ones or lean cuisine. 300 cals or less

S- protein bar 150-210 cals

D- Hungry Girl or Weight Watcher reciepe, 400 cals or less

S- Protein Shake post work out 130 cals.

grand total- 1300 ish.

With as little weight as I have left to lose (I am currently 164, my goal is 145-155) I had to step it up. Most people scoff at the gym, but strength training and muscle toning is ESSENTIAL to losing weight and keeping it off. Proper diet is important, but I know I'll never get back to 140s without weight lifting.

It's all about planning ahead. If I know I'm going to be somewhere there won't be good food, I eat ahead of time, or bring my own frozen dinner or protein bar to eat. I ask for the nutritional menu at restaurants because you'd be shocked as to what's "healthy" and what's not. If I eat out, it's a salad with grilled chicken or a grilled chicken sandwhich, no sauce. Is it "boring" yes. So what? I'd rather eat boring food and be thin, than eat fun food and be fat.

Being over weight (for most people) is a choice. Plain and simple. I chose not to exercise, I chose to eat fatty foods, I CHOSE TO BE FAT. I did it, no one else, me. I own that and I accept that. The nice thing about that is, you can also choose to be healthy. You can choose to put in the work and change you life. YOU CAN CHOOSE.

A lot of people have told me things like 'life's too short to be a gym rat and only eat rabbit food." In my opinion, life's too short to eat like crap and hate your body and be unhealthy, and it will be even shorter if you live that way. It's all about changing your mentality with food. Don't celebrate with food, don't give in to convenience processed food, don't eat just because it's there and everyone else is! This season is especially awful for that. I can see having ONE meal, ONE day where you can relax and let go, but why does it have to be days, weeks, months of grazing? People say "after New Year's I'll start to lose weight." How many times have you said that? I've said it a million times. I was fat for 9 years, almost all of my twenties, for what? Cake? Pizza? Ice cream? Did it really make me happier? Of course not. Every time I walked into a room I wondered if people noticed me as the fat chic. I wondered if people wondered what Kolt was doing with a fatty like me. I wondered if he regretted marrying me, since I was thing when we met. Every time I ran into someone I knew in high school all I could think about was "they must be thinking 'she really let herself go.' " Because I did. I HATED myself and the way I looked. Kolt can tell anyone how I bawled every time I went shopping. How humiliated I was to shop in plus size stores because nothing at the mall fit me anymore. I did that for YEARS. What for? Why?

There will come a point where the light will go off in your head and you'll realize "It is just not worth it." And you'll put the donut down and walk away. It's a liberating moment and the first step in a long journey. It's hard and discouraging. You won't lose every week. You'll work your butt off only to see a gain sometimes. It happens, but the end goal should not be a weight, or a size, it should be a lift time of health and wellness. It's not a diet, or a fad or a phase. It's a life style change and CHOICE, and no one can make it but you.

I'm not saying that I'm a skinny minnie expert. I still want to lose 20 more pounds, my BMI just dropped into normal range today. I will have good days and bad, and I'm sure this will be a life long process for me. But I am publicly announcing today my pledge to myself to never be fat again. Nothing is better than the self confidence and amazing feeling of satisfaction I have now, and I'm damn proud of myself and hope to continue to be proud and impress myself.

If any of you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't think of myself as a source of motivation, but apparently I am. So I'll gladly help in any way I can.

Energized

One month ago I started working out with a personal trainer. The first week I lost 6 pounds. I was FLOORED. "Oh my gosh, I'll be able to lost 20 pounds before he gets back if this keeps up!" Well, that followed with 3 weeks of up a pound, down a pound, up a pound, down a pound. I was beyond frustrated and was so done with the whole process of 'losing weight' that I wanted to quit. Not gain back all I've lost but just stop trying to lose and try to be happy with the weigh I currently am. I have several friends who are huge motivators to me who have talked me out of this multiple times and finally last weekend something HIT me. I can NOT cheat. I can't have a throw away day or two a week and expect to lose. I can maintain that way (thus the up and down a pound) but I just can't lose. So I committed to myself, my friend, my husband, that I would NOT cheat until Kolt gets home and really lock down my food intake. I spent the weekend watching my family eat chocolate peanut clusters, mint cookies, pizza, bread sticks, peanut m&ms, chicken wings, candy, ice cream, all of my favorite things. I bought frozen low calorie meals, and protein bars, and salads instead. I made the conscious choice to resist the crap food of the season and focus on my weight loss. And it PAID off, I lost 3 pounds since Friday and am the lowest weight I've been in a long time. Tonight I'm going to a church Christmas party, those things are not known for healthy choices, so I opted to eat dinner before hand so I could calculate my calories. It's small things like that, and asking for the nutritional info at restaurants that are helping me lose again now.

I'm so proud of myself. My new "skinny" jeans that I could barely squeeze into are sagging and almost falling off and I'm seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "I actually look good. I'm not fat anymore." That in and of itself is a HUGE step for me. I'm no where near done, honestly I'd still like to lose 15-20 more pounds, but that can come in time, and it should. I'm hopeful to lose at least 5 more pounds this month, well really 7 if I'm being honest, before Kolt gets home. I feel like if I can keep this up, it's possible.

I have 2 huge mile stones coming up. 1- in 2.6 pounds I will no longer be "over weight" according to the BMI scale, 2- in 1.6 pounds I have lost 80 pounds since I was fully pregnant with Leila. I've come so far, I have to remember that when I get frustrated. I still have room to improve and want to continue to do so. I feel like I've adopted a healthy life style and it should be easy to maintain. I want to be a good example to Leila, be able to get down and play with her. I don't want to walk into a room and wonder if all anybody thinks is "wow, she's fat." I want to be confident and be more like the person I was when Kolt met me.

It's been a lot of sacrifice, especially during this junk food fest season, but no food, no matter how delicious, is better than feeling beautiful, confident, sexy EVERY DAY. When I get down to where I want to be, I'll allow myself a treat on occasion, it's not realistic to expect to NEVER have those kinds of food, but at least now I know that I don't need it, nor do I really want it anymore, and that is a success all by itself.

On the Kolt front, we're down to a month or less now. We won't know the day he'll be back until about 2-3 days ahead is all. But we have a good window. I do know now when I'm leaving (about 90% sure) either the 4th of January or the 7th, depending on who goes down with me. So at most I have 25 days until I go back to Texas, and that just makes my heart sing. Soon enough my heart will be whole again. There is much to be grateful for and celebrate right now.

It's December!

Not much going on, just figured I'd better update. We're just about down to one month to go. We don't know when he'll be home, probably won't know until a week ahead of time, but we have a general idea, and it's getting close. So far time is still just trucking along and I'm getting excited. So much so that I can't fall asleep at night, which really sucks. I'm crazy tired but my mind just won't shut off at night because it's filled with visions of seeing him walk down the hall towards us in the airport, imagining what that first hug and kiss will be like, what Leila will do when she sees him, how long it will take us to find a house, praying for good weather until I go, you get the idea. Good news is I do have a tentative plan of action on how to get home, and now how to get the S2K home! That's more than I had a few weeks ago. The plan is I'll drive down with a friend that I'll fly up from Austin, and Miss Leila will fly down with her Grandma. The only wrench in that plan is Grandma just had surgery on her shoulder, and seeing her in her sling there's no way she can change a diaper, let alone handle her through security and on a plane for 3 hours. So now I'm not quite as confident of the idea. I do NOT want Leila to have to drive down, it will be a nightmare for her and me because of the stress I'll have for her discomfort and restlessness. We'll just have to see how it goes, I'm prepared to take her with me if I have to, I just really don't want to.

I've been working with a realtor trying to find us a house. I don't want to spend months looking when we get back, more like a week so we can close and be in by February. We've been without our things long enough, I'm ready to have my own home again. We've got a pretty narrow search criteria and so we've got about 7 choices at the moment that are decent, 4-5 that are really good and that's really all I want. I don't want to spend all of Kolt's time off when he gets home running around trying to find a place to live and get settled. I'd like to spend time as a family and have fun, you know? Hopefully my tendency to over think things and plan and prepare will help us out in that regard.

Here are some Christmas pics I took last weekend of Leila, too cute not to post.

Holy Cow

So this whole weight loss thing has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and stalls, but I finally feel like I'm seeing progress, thanks to a picture I had taken of me today. I've been able to tell in the last couple of weeks that my arms are toning up and my belly is less flubby, but it wasn't until I saw this pic today until the reality hit me, I really am starting to look good.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but 75 pounds is nothing to turn your nose up at. I still have 20-30 more I want to lose, but I'm happy to say I no longer think of myself as a fat person. Well, mostly I don't. I think that nagging doubt will always be in my head, which I think is normal for people who have been big before. But I'm proud of all I have accomplished and will still yet accomplish. It's all a matter of choice and determination. Once I decided I was ready to embrace a healthier life style, and put in the work, the results came.

Here is me 6 days after I had Leila. I'm quite swollen with fluids, but even still I can admit it, I look horrible.

And here I am today, with my gorgeous baby, all grown up.

Thankful

Tonight, I'm thankful for the wonderful people the AF has brought into our lives. I suppose part of living the military life style is meeting remarkable people, and then having to tell them good bye. They aren't just friends, they become your family as you travel across the world and go where the service wants you.

I knew when we left San Antonio that there would be a good chance that Chrissy wouldn't be there when we got back, but not so much so that I really gave her a proper good bye. For some reason, tonight it's slapped me in the face that my one and only AF spouse girl friend will be gone when I get home. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to survive down there without her. And not just because she takes phenomenal pictures (which she does), but because she's an incredible person, who I was blessed to get to know.

Because our husbands are pursuing the same career path, chances are we'll see each other again, and I think we should plan a girls weekend get together anyway, just because we're awesome for holding down the home front while our men are away. It will most likely be years before we are stationed at the same place again, if ever, and this BREAKS. MY. HEART.

I'm not the type of person that has tons of friends, and I don't make friends easily. I can probably count on one hand the number of true friends I have, they're invaluable to me, and I hate that I'm losing her to the AF life already. She's one of the most decent, honest, tell it like it is, god fearing, wonderful people I've ever had the blessing of getting to know, and she won't be replaced and will most definitely be missed.

In her honor, I'm posting my favorite pics that she's taken throughout the time I knew her.

I love you Chrissy, God Speed.

Sigh.

I'm torturing myself tonight by watching military homecomings on youtube. Not sure what made me decide to do that, but now it's hurting. I'm at the point now where it really feels like we're entering the home stretch, but in reality still have a ways to go. It makes me anxious because now I'm more focused on him coming home than ever and it doesn't help time to pass any faster. I do believe and feel that it's coming to an end, but we still have two months to go and that's no small thing. I don't have a lot of things planned out either and that's no help. I just miss him, so much. I miss being able to just talk to him when I have something to say, not have to write it down to be sure I remember to tell him the next time we chat. I miss joking around with him and picking on each other. I miss having a normal conversation about day to day boring stuff, not just plans for the future or the what ifs. I miss having a normal life that doesn't revolve around deployment. I know we're almost there, but the hole in my heart that his absence has left feels particularly huge tonight. And it really doesn't help that last night he told me it looks like his homecoming date has been pushed back by a few weeks. Nothing is for certain of course, but that's the last thing I wanted to hear. It is what it is, it's totally normal and it shouldn't have caught me off guard, but it did, and I hurt. I long for the day when this is all over, and tonight, I'm certain I'll be crying myself to sleep.

I can't believe it.....

Well, last night went remarkably well. I put her down at 7:30, her new official bed time, she cried for 20 minutes and was out. She slept all the way until 2 (really 3 am with the time change) and woke and cried for about 6-7 minutes, more whined really, and was out again. She woke up at 4 (really 5) and I nursed her, lied her down awake, she protested for about a minute and went to sleep. She was still lying down when I went into the room though, and so she may very well have gone back to sleep. Then I took her into bed with me at 6 and we snuggled until 7. I'm not ready to give up the morning snuggles yet. Today she went down for nap time in a matter of minutes. My mother in law graciously offered to let me move Leila into the guest room so that she can have her own room and I was very nervous. You'd think I'd be fine since I first moved her into her own room at 3.5 months old, but still....she's my baby and I've grown used to having her close. We did her bed time routine and I lied her down awake, she cried for 4....FOUR minutes and seems to be asleep. I don't dare hold out hope that this will continue, it's simply too good to be true.

If this keeps up, I'll have to eat my words. For being 100% against crying it out, it looks like it may be exactly what my baby girl needs. It does NOT mean I don't love her, or that I'm ignoring her, or that she's going to be insecure or feel like I've abandoned her. She's old enough now that I feel she understands it's bed time, and I'll be there when it's time to get up. People who are anti CIO (cry it out) are VERY anti CIO and I used to be one of them. I've learned now not to judge and it's not as cut and dried as "if you leave your baby to cry, you're a horrible neglectful parent." Sleep is so important, Leila was much happier and pleasant today and I think that is in large part due to her sleeping well. Here's to hoping it continues to go this well.

Ug.

I'm doing something tonight I swore I would never do, I'm letting Leila "cry it out." I would have never thought it would come to this and I know many people who will think I'm a horrible mother for doing this, but it really has come down to nothing else has worked. Her sleep has deteriorated such that after her 2nd night waking (around 1-2 am) she won't go back to sleep in her own bed, she cries if she does. She nurses every 45-60 minutes after she gets in bed with me and wakes up around 4 am just talking and ready to get on with the day. I haven't gotten more than 2-3 hours of sleep at once in I don't know how long. She's screaming right now as I right this and I feel like shit. I hope she'll forgive me.

On a different note, Halloween was a blast. She was such a cute little cookie monster and loved trick or treating and held on to her pumpkin all night long. I have so cute pictures....but they're all on my phone, I'll have to see if I can get them uploaded.

Kolt is doing well. We're down to 2 months to go. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. October just flew by and I'm hoping November does too. I still have no clue how exactly I'm getting back to Texas. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can get it narrowed down and someone will drive with me. I could drive alone, but I'd rather not. My mother in law has graciously offered to fly down with Leila so she can avoid that awful, long journey.

I may blog a few more times tonight to get me through, hearing her cry is ripping at my heart.

She walks

My baby, my beautifully stubborn baby decided to start walking yesterday. I've known for a while she COULD but just wouldn't. We've been visiting my mother and because she's in a knew(ish) environment, she gets super clingy. No crawling, let alone walking. Apparently we've spent enough time here now that she decided to get down and play, and start walking. It started off just walking to me from a few feet away, and then she just took off. All day today she's been walking everywhere and I just can't believe it. WHERE did my BABY go????

I've taken some good videos of her to post to Kolt, that way he can see it, in some form. My heart strings are tugged at when I think that he's missing this. It's truly the most amazing thing in the world to watch your child figure things out and master them. Just the other day she crawled over to the edge of a bed, peeked at the floor, then flipped around and climbed down feet first. Whhaaattt?? When did she learn that???? She's so smart, it's scary. She's so much like her daddy, it's scary.

October is just flying by and I'm so excited. Pretty soon we'll be down to single digit weeks left.... I just hope November doesn't drag too badly.

Leila and I went to the zoo this past weekend, and she slept through it, once again. Sigh. Here's the best pic of the two of us.

It's snowing.

It went from 85 to snowing in a matter of 3 days. My brain is having a hard time processing this. Partly because it was SO warm and I was able to take Leila outside whenever she wanted-now she stares outside the patio doors and cries because she wants out and I won't take her, and partly because Kolt left in the summer. It was HOT when he left, 100+ in San Antonio. I've been waiting for fall forever because that means we're one season closer to him coming home, but how is it possible that half of a year will pass and he wasn't here with us? Leila had just learned to crawl, couldn't talk, barely had enough hair to put in a pony tail and now she's taking steps all by herself, talking up a storm and has bed head that would put most teenage punk rock boys to shame. I don't understand how time can stand still and march right on ahead just the same. Leila will be an entirely different little girl when he comes back than when he left. I WILL BE an entirely different person when gets home too, I'm afraid.

This deployment is changing me, in some ways good, some bad. I feel like I'm becoming more independent and stronger. I used to stress out about spending $10 without talking to Kolt first (my own doing, not his) and now I can shop and buy whatever I want and not have to discuss it with him. I really enjoy that kind of freedom. I can call people and yell and be mean and demand things get done because he's not around to do it for me. In these ways I've grown a ton. I can take care of my daughter, the dogs, the bills, the car, EVERYTHING, all on my own. I definitely couldn't have said that before he left. But it's taken it's toll on me now too in ways I hadn't anticipated. I suffer from panic attacks now. Out of no where, this overwhelming, crushing anxiety will just consume me, to the point where I can do nothing but cry. I worry that Kolt will hate what I've done with Leila while he's been gone, I worry that I won't save enough money, I worry that he'll have changed so much that things won't be the same when he gets home. I worry that he won't come home at all. I worry about managing an entire household on my own again. I worry about when we should have our next child. I worry about Leila's lack of sleep and wonder if she's EVER going to sleep through. I worry about Kolt getting his GRE and CCRN taken and passed. I worry about him getting in his application for grad school. I worry about him deploying again. I worry ALL. THE. TIME. And sometimes it gets out of control and I turn into a complete mess. Even typing all of this out, I can feel my pulse race and the stress building up in my chest. I didn't have this issue before. Sure I worried, but not the point that it gave me panic attacks. I really hope it goes away once he's home, because I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. The only thing that calms me down is talking/chatting with him. He is the voice of reason in all of my internal insanity. If I can't talk to him to calm me down, then all of the stress just builds up until I melt down. This is not something I expected to happen, and I don't like it at all.

Our anniversary is in a few days. I spent several weeks working on writing out a book about me and Kolt, a collection of memories if you will. I sent it to him last week and it got there early, so he opened it. I worried (big surprise!) that he'd think it was stupid and I almost didn't send it, but he said he loved it, and I'm so relieved. It will be wonderful to have and to add to as the years go on and be able to look back and reflect on our lives together. I'm so glad I did it and so happy he loves it as much as I do.

Not much going on in the house of Harris. Just trucking along waiting for the New Year. We are finally starting to get things decided and together about our travel plans back to Texas. I'm pleased with the ideas we've had in this regard....one potentially being that Leila flies down with Grandma so she doesn't have to make that awful drive yet again. When Helen suggested that, I immediately felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I've been stressing out about driving Leila back since we got here. She's at that age where she wants to get down and play and doesn't understand about being in the car. I hope it works out because that will make my life SO much easier.

We've heard through the grapevine that Kolt may actually a 6 month deployment, rather than the 7 it ends up being for most people. I can't give out dates of course, but at the moment it's looking like he's going to be coming home 2 weeks sooner than we thought, which in the world of deployment is HUGE. I'm trying not to get too excited because nothing is set in stone, but if Kolt felt confident enough to tell me, he must be fairly sure that's what's going on.

I'm kicking butt with my weight loss. Down 4 pounds already and pushing hard to drop like crazy. I WILL be at my goal when he gets home, I made a promise and I don't intend to break it. Plus, he's working out like crazy and coming home all buff, it seems only fair that I try just as hard.

Our 9th anniversary is next week. Sigh. I sent him a package that I'm quite proud of and I can't wait for him to get it. We decided to celebrate it once he gets home though, which is how it should be. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that when next Tuesday comes and goes though, I'll be sad that it was just another day.

We're past the half way point now and the end is in sight, I think we just might make it.

Dirty Dash and getting back on track

This past weekend my sister and brother in law and I ran in the Dirty Dash. It's a 5k mud obstacle course that was almost entirely straight up a mountain. Despite my feats in running this summer, nothing prepared me for how much that thing was going to kick my @#%. Right from the start we had to run through a nice mud pit, straight up hill to holes full of water and mud, over hay bales, up a muddy hill using a rope, over wood walls, over pipes, all through the mud, some of it as high as our chests. It was a BLAST and as you can see, there is no escaping without becoming totally drenched in mud. I'm really glad we did it, only regret was that Kolt wasn't there!

Today marks 3 months that Kolt has been gone. We're nearly half way done. If it were actually a 6 month deployment like it claims to be, we would be half way done. But transit time doesn't count and so I won't say half way until the first week of October. At times I feel extremely encouraged by the fact that we're 13 weeks into this and almost on the down hill side of it, and others my heart breaks because we still have so long to go. I'm hoping that with the holiday season approaching that time will just fly by.

I decided yesterday that it's time to quit dinking around and get back on Weight Watchers. I got tired of tracking everything when Kolt came home from training since we were eating out a ton and so I let it go. Since he's been gone I've lost the 10 pounds I gained while he was here, but nothing else. I've got 3.5 months to lose 30 pounds and I know I can do it, but I've got to focus on the goal. In a few weeks I'm going back to Salt Lake and want to go shopping for a dress to wear when Kolt comes home. I'll hang it on my closet door and see it every day. I'm going to buy it 2 sizes smaller than I am now and work my butt off to get into it! I'd post pics, but I don't want Kolt to see it :)

Not much else is going on right now, and not much else is scheduled to happen. Hmmm, I might need to fix that!

28

Today, I am 28 years old. Probably 4 or 5 years ago I worked with teenagers at a psychiatric hospital. We had a group check in every morning and for fun we used to have a "Question of the Day." One day I decided the question would be, 'If you could be one age forever, what age would that be?' Most of the kids responded with "18 so I would be an adult and could get out of my parents house." or "21 so I was old enough to drink, but not old." I reflected on this question for a while actually and responded with, "28. I wouldn't be 30, but not too young. Old enough that I'm done with school, and onto the phase of my life where I can be successful, but still young enough to enjoy it." Well, now I'm the age I've always wanted to be, the age I want to be forever, and I'm determined to DO something with it. What have I accomplished in my life so far? What do I still want to accomplish? These are the questions I've been really thinking about a lot lately.

What have I accomplished? I've graduated from college, I've married an incredible man, I've been pregnant and given birth to the most amazing little girl, I've held a job where I spent my time working with at risk youth and I loved it, and now I'm a military spouse to a deployed airman. I still have aspirations of a master's degree someday, another child or two, traveling with my family, all the normal things most people want. I really am excited to see where life and the Air Force take us once this deployment is over.

I decided to send 27 out with a bang by running 7 miles yesterday. Yes, SEVEN. I did not stop once to walk and it all but killed me, haha. The 10k last week was so easy, I'm not quite sure why this was so hard, but I am beyond proud of myself that I did it. I'd like to run a half marathon this year, I'd like to lose the last 30 pounds I have hanging on my bones. I'd like to be happy with my body for once in my adult life. I think these are all worthy and attainable goals this year.

I celebrated my birthday yesterday by going out to dinner with my whole family (the ones who live in Idaho anyway) and that was really fun. We all love Red Lobster and it was nice to all be together. Then we went back to my sister's house and had cheesecake, and THAT was delicious. I really do appreciate being close to my family, especially on the holidays, it makes being away from Kolt a bit easier.

Speaking of my amazing husband, he got me the most unbelievably thoughtful gift. He's had this planned for me since he got to Afghanistan. Today, in honor of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and for my birthday, he had a flag flown over his hospital that I get to keep. It is such a special day for this country and to have a reminder straight from the heart of the action, just means so much. The attacks that day are the reason my husband is over there, the reason why thousands of husband and wives are over there, and I hope none of us ever forget the price so many of us have to pay to keep our country safe.

I love my gift, baby. Thank you so much.

Dreams

When Kolt first left, I hoped that I would dream about him frequently, that way we could be together, at least at night. It took a while before my dreams were of him consistently, and now that they are, I almost wish they'd stop. I underestimated how hard it would be to dream of his green eyes, his face rough with whiskers, his hands soft and strong. Every night I'm dreaming about him, and every morning I wake up expecting to find him there, and he's not.

What's interesting though is that almost all of my dreams of him aren't that he's home and we're a happy family, it's that he's still deployed, but able to come back for a temporary visit, be it a few hours or a day. So I'm always rushing to find him, to get to him, astounded by his presence one he's there, and feel rushed to soak up every minute of him until he has to leave again. My dream last night was so vivid that he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him for his deployment (one I've never seen on him as I had it sent to him after he left) and also a necklace I sent to him, one to which I have the matching other half - again, something I've never actually seen on him. THAT really threw me off and made my waking this morning particularly awful. It was so real, HE was so real. Normally I don't remember those specific details from my dreams. I miss him, so so much.

The only thing that helps ease that ache is waking up next to my daughter. I never intended to co-sleep, and we only do it in the early mornings, but I love having her there to help remind me that I'm not alone. Kolt told me before he left that he really didn't want me sleeping with her that much, so that when he got home we wouldn't have a battle transitioning her back to her own bed, he must have known I would miss having another warm body next to me. I imagine it's actually going to be really difficult getting used to sleeping with someone else again, it's a good thing we have a king sized bed I suppose.

I haven't been as down this week, but I'm still not myself. We're approaching the half way point in a few weeks and I think that will help. I suspect part of the reason I'm still not totally happy is because he's going to miss my birthday this weekend, and our anniversary next month. So many things he should be here for, but he's not. Oh well, it is what it is.

Running

Yesterday I accomplished something I wasn't ever sure I'd do, something worthy enough it was on my bucket list. Yesterday, my sister and I ran a 10k (that's 6.2 miles) without stopping. I started training 2 months ago, so just after Kolt left, thinking a 5k would be as good as I could do in such a short time, I'm signed up for a 5k obstacle course in a few weeks. I was worried I wouldn't be in shape in time for that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm impressed with myself. I went from running 3 minute/1 minute jog/walk intervals to running 70 minutes without having to stop, and not only that, but I honestly felt like I could have kept on going! I'm tempted to train for a half marathon, but that's double the mileage I'm currently logging. That is a HUGE step. So for now, I'm just going to slowly work on increasing my distance and see how it goes. I'm thinking about running 7 miles next weekend, a big jump, but one I think I'm capable of. We'll see.

I've been having a really hard time lately. I went from moseying along just fine, missing Kolt, but not so much it really effected me (except at night, nights are always hard) to crying all the time, exhausted, border lining on depression. I've suffered from depression once in my life, it's not a place I wish to go back to. I have no idea what brought this on, but thankfully for now, it seems to be at bay. This second month is hard. He's been gone a long time, but we're not even half way done yet, and it just feels like it's never going to end. Of course it will, and time is going quickly, but still, we've got a ways to go. Hopefully whatever came over me this past week is gone, and stays gone. It's a scary feeling to feel so out of control and alone, I don't like it.

I think contributing to the overwhelming sadness is my poor baby. I think she had a reaction to her shots and 9 days after the fact I forgot about potential side effects. She was sleeping horribly, nursing all night long, refusing to eat anything for almost a week. I actually yelled at her one night when she woke up. I'd nursed her back to sleep and tried to lie her back down in her bed and she woke up and threw a fit. In my severe exhaustion, I scolded my poor child. The next day when I realized she had a fever and was sick, the extreme guilt set in. I am a horrible mother. My baby was sick and miserable and I yelled at her. (I brought her back to bed with me and snuggled her all night long, so please don't call CPS on me). So she wasn't sleeping, refusing to eat, I'm certain she was losing weight, and there was nothing I could do about any of it. Everything in my life at the moment seems out of my control and I HATE it, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it either.

I'm grateful for the running. It clears my mind, gives me a sense of accomplishment, provides the endorphins I'm desperately lacking and makes me feel like maybe I'm not a failure as a mother after all. I'm excited to continue on with it (despite the fact that winter is coming) and see where it takes me.

Party Success

The party is over, it's everything I hoped it would be. By some miracle Kolt had the night off. He hasn't had a night off in over 3 weeks and he happened to get tonight off. He's had a horrible internet connection that made skype really difficult, yesterday they changed providers so now his signal is really strong and he was able to skype in for the entire party. Having him there, even electronically, made it so much easier on me.

I worked really hard on her cake. I ended up using fondant for the monkey's face. Considering I'd never worked with it before and I didn't have the proper tools, I'm pleased with the cake. I had to improvise on a lot with it, and it turned out really cute.

I couldn't bring myself to sing happy birthday. I tried, but every time I started singing, I would get choked up. Partly because my baby is one, partly because her daddy couldn't be there in person.

He surprised Leila and myself by getting her a gift I didn't know about. It caught me off guard and brought me to full on tears.

I'm so grateful for everyone who came. The food was delicious and the company enjoyable. I think I've decided that kid's parties are just as fun for the parents! I loved helping Leila open her gifts, she got some wonderful presents and we are so grateful!

I made a slide show of pics of Leila over the last year. I forgot to show it during the party, but here's the link to it (since I can't post it for some reason.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljb3fx042wc

Now I guess the next thing I'm looking forward to is my birthday in 3 weeks. I have no clue what the plans are or what I want to do, but I want to have fun. When I was younger, I picked 28 as the age I would like to be forever, so it had better be a fun one.

My Dearest Leila

My Dear Sweet Leila Punkin',

You're one today. I'll be honest and say this is hard for me. You are getting so big so fast! I love the little person you're turning into and I can really start to see glimpses of who you're going to be when you're older. You're going to be fiesty, proud, stubborn, brilliant, sweet, and always, always a daddy's girl.

You've done some pretty amazing things this year, you're learning to walk, and I really think you could, but you're still scared to try on your own yet, so you love to go for walks with me holding onto your fingers. I watched you roll over for the first time:

I've watched you learn how to eat:

I've been here for everything, and I always will be.

It's been hard with your daddy gone, but you my darling, make things so much easier for me. Thank you so much for being the sunshine that brightens my day. Thank you so much for being such an amazing person. I am so lucky to be your mother, I love you beyond words, and you will ALWAYS be my sweet little baby.

One more week

I have a feeling this week is going to be really emotional for me. In one week my beautiful baby will be one. I'll no longer have an "infant", I'll have a toddler, despite the fact that she still has yet to toddle. I'm saving a blog post about her and for her for next week, but I just can't get it out of my mind how quickly this year went. How I went from a itty bitty new born who just cried and snuggled and ate, to this big girl who crawls, and laughs, and plays, and gets into everything. It's such a cliche to say "they grow so fast" but it is so true. I'm finding a lot of people are asking me if I'm excited for her birthday. "Um, no. Not so much." is my typical reply. Should I be excited? I suppose. I truly do LOVE the little person she's turning into. Watching a baby grow and learn is the most rewarding thing about being a mother and I have no doubts that my hands are going to be full with her and her big ol' attitude and energy. But she makes me smile when I'm sad, she loves me perfectly and purely, she is the best thing to ever happen to me. Through the sleepless nights, and the tantrums, and the biting, she is my precious little girl, and she ALWAYS will be.

I think a really big part of my trepidation about this, is that Kolt is going to miss it. First birthdays are a BIG deal, the biggest next to 16 in my humble opinion. There's just something about celebrating a first birthday that is so special and wonderful, and yet..... he doesn't get to be here. We had an early party for her before he left, and I'm SO glad we did, but his presence will be noticeably absent on Saturday and I hope I can make it through without crying. I opted just to do a family birthday, rather than ones with all of my friends up here for this very reason. I feel the need to have the support from the people I rely on most. True it's Leila's party, but the guests will be there to support me through that special day, since my husband can't be. It's one of the many reasons I'm so glad we came home. There are just some things, no matter how great of friends you have, that you need your own family for.

Warm and Fuzzy

Today was a fabulous day. I got to spend over an hour talking to my husband, and that just leaves the biggest smile on my face. I love him so much. For some people, a deployment will ruin their marriage, and this will do nothing but strengthen ours. We still have a long way to go, but we're making head way, and eventually he'll come home, and we'll be very happy.

I did something good today. Well, I helped prompt a LOT of people to do something good. I just had this idea come to me and I felt very overwhelmed that it was something I had to do. So I just asked for help to make it happen, and we did it. I got way more support than I was ever expecting and this one random thought I had just helped to change someone's life. Helped make their lives a little easier and gave them one less thing to worry about. I couldn't be happier that I listened to my gut on that and helped to make a difference. This family that we helped is amazing and beyond deserving. I feel all warm and fuzzy tonight knowing that I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself that my husband is gone. Sometimes, it's just NOT about me.

I encourage anyone and everyone (all 30 of you who read this, haha) to listen to your heart and reach down deep inside and ask what you can do for others. You'd be amazed at all the good you could do if you just look for the opportunity. Nothing in the world makes you more grateful and happy for all that you DO have, than service for others.

Annoyed

Tomorrow will mark the longest time Kolt and I have ever been apart. Before this it was 6 weeks when he went to ASBC in Alabama while I was pregnant. That seemed like such a LONG time to be apart. [scoffs] What did I know? At first I was looking forward to this day because it finally meant to me that I could legitimately miss Kolt. He's been gone a while, and with the trip to New Jersey it feels like he's been gone a long time, since April. I shouldn't discount those 2.5 weeks we got to spend together, but if you really look at it, he's been gone 11 weeks. That sounds more accurate in my mind. He's been gone long enough, and I've been here long enough that it feels normal to have him gone. I don't like that, not at all. It is what it is, it's what we signed up for and I accept that, but I don't have to like it, not today.

I've been REALLY struggling lately with people annoying me, complaining about stupid things that just don't matter (yes I know they matter to them, but it's things that JUST aren't that big of a deal) and I just want to scream at them to get a dose of reality. Oh, you miss your husband because he works all day? Me too, except mine works 7000 miles away and we don't get to go to bed together at night. I just want to look at them and say "Shut up and be grateful he gets to come home at night. Be grateful you don't have to worry about him getting bombed and not coming home at all." This is completely unfair of me and I know it. The feelings remind me of when I had miscarried my babies and I'd have people come up to me and tell me they knew how I felt, only they had children when they lost theirs. I'd just think "Well at least you have children, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have any." That wasn't fair either, not at all. But regardless, it's how I feel, and I really don't like it.

I don't feel like I'm being negative (although re-reading this it certainly sounds like it) I'm just being a brat. What's going on in someone else's life has no effect on mine. Who's to say that woman can't miss her husband because he works long hours? Who am I to judge that situation? I don't know how to let these feelings go though. Maybe over time I'll stop being so cynical and be ok, but today and most days lately, I'm annoyed. If any of you military wives reading this have any suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

Kolt is still working his 13 hour grave shifts. Hasn't had a day off in a long time. Might get a day off in a few days, but we don't know for sure. He's proposing a new schedule to his commander, one that makes MUCH more sense and is fair to everyone, I'm just hoping he goes for it. Kolt says he's doing ok, but I worry about him and his lack of rest. How can I not? I'm also struggling with not being able to talk to him for longer than 10 minutes at a time. Even when we can talk, he's either rushing out the door to work, or it's late and we both need to go to bed and I feel guilty for keeping him. I was spoiled the first month getting to chat with him for hours a day, it made it feel like he wasn't so far away. Now I'm really missing him and it's hard, no other way to say it. I'm hoping this week goes better, at least as far as my emotions are concerned.

New perspective

I will never complain about sleep, or lack there of again.

Ok, so maybe that's not entirely true, but I have issued a challenge to myself to be more mindful of my whining. I have had some reality checks the last few days that have put things into perspective for me. My husband, my incredibly amazing, selfless, heroic husband's schedule has just changed at work. Instead of 2 on 2 off, now he's 7 on, no off, no on call, grave yard shifts. Some of the other nurses just finished up their deployments and went home and so they lost some help, but the other nurses are not working half of what Kolt is, and they have day time hours. I have no clue how this happened or how long it's going to last, but at the moment it is indefinite. He's lucky to get 5 hours of sleep a night (day) because everyone else is getting ready and heading out at those times, so their super armored rocket proof doors are slamming away, thus resulting in an impossible sleeping situation. He'll be working 12 hour nights, every night, for the next 5 months. I do not even know the meaning of the word tired, and I won't complain about it, ever again.

I also have some friends with babies who are not well, those moms stay up most nights worrying about if they're sweet child will wake up or not.....I have no idea what the word tired means and am embarrassed at my rants about it. I have a healthy daughter, who plays, and laughs and hasn't had to be in the hospital.....I am so fortunate, and I take it for granted.

I'm feel so guilty at my complaining. Yes it's hard to have my husband deployed, but he'll come home, I still have him. Yes it's hard having an almost one year old wake up multiple times a night to nurse or be cuddled, but I have an almost one year old to wake up, and I know several incredible people who would give anything to have their own child. I need to be grateful for all I do have, and focus on the positive. I hate being around negative people, and I refuse to turn into one of them.

So help keep me in check. I will have bad days, as we all do, but i'm going to try and be about 95% positive, because in the grand scheme of things, I am beyond blessed.

One month down!

Well, I survived the first month of deployment. In retrospect it seems to have gone by quickly. I have been keeping busy, per Lt. Harris' orders. August will be a busy month, I have something planned for every weekend it seems, which is good. The saddest of which is my Leila's first birthday party. I'm SO excited for this, but so very sad at the same time. I've spent a lot of time this last week looking at old pictures of her and wondering where the time went. I've been thinking about that blog post for a while, I'm so proud of my baby girl, but just hate that she has to grow up. She's changed so much in the last few months, it's crazy.

She's still teething, had a high fever over the weekend, is refusing to eat, and has no new teeth to show for it :( Poor thing. Hopefully soon they'll pop through. Grandma was a huge help as I got almost zero sleep all weekend, she'd take Leila for me and let me go back to sleep in the morning. But the last few nights she has at least been sleeping better. Waking up twice instead of 5-7 times, that is a huge improvement!

Kolt and I have been discussing our future quite a bit. Plans for moving back, whether to rent or buy, whether or not to down size our car, whether or not to take a vacation when he gets home. All responsible, adult type discussions. Blah. I'm leaning more and more towards taking the responsible route, buying, downsizing, NOT going on vacation. Sigh. Now that I'm in charge of the money, it stresses me out seeing the debt and I want it gone. It's on the normal things, school and cars, but still, I'm hoping this deployment we can get at least two debts paid off. We will still play of course, but we just need to be a bit more sensible about some things. And maybe we can take a vacation, just not a huge trip to Hawaii. We'll see. Nothing makes me feel older than talking about this kind of thing though, haha.

I'm headed down to Preston for the rodeo this weekend. Should be a lot of fun to see old friends and get all dusty at the rodeo. It will be weird to go without Kolt, but my family is an acceptable replacement.

I took some pictures yesterday, still working on my camera skills, hope you all enjoy them.

Dentures and some benadryll please

Life would be so much easier if it didn’t hurt for baby to get teeth. I almost think it would be better if they were like animals and were born with them. I’m not one to question God or His methods much, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I think He kinda screwed up here, or just has an evil sense of humor. I mean, why make a baby feel miserable, achey, feverish, fussy, when they have ZERO ability to tell you what’s wrong? Seems kinda crazy if you ask me.

We lucked out with Leila’s first two teeth. They were just there one day. Both of them came right through with no warning. I was elated and felt SO lucky that I wasn’t one of those moms who was in the middle of teething hell. Leila’s next two teeth (her top two) came through with a little more of a fight. Poor baby had a fever, but was still her pleasant, happy self. No real behavior modifications. “Phew!” I thought, “Those top two are supposed to be the worst, we should be home free.” Yea, right. Now I’m eating my words.

I’ve come to the point where I really am starting to feel like a failure as a parent. Sounds harsh, but it’s how I feel. Before we moved up to Idaho, Leila had been sleeping through the night without much issue. Maybe she’d wake up once or twice, but I’d nurse her, she’d go back to sleep, and I lie her back down in her bed. No issue. Ever since we got here her sleep has gone to complete CRAP. She won’t go to bed until 10pm or later. She just isn’t tired, even though she woke from her last nap around 3-4. She wakes up about 30-60 minutes after she initially goes down, and about every 1-2 hours after that ALL. NIGHT. LONG. She doesn’t stay awake for very long, if I nurse her she’s back to sleep in a matter of minutes. That’s the easy way to do it, and because I’m exhausted, that’s what I’ve been doing. But lately I keep thinking I need to cut back and eventually eliminate the night feedings. I mean, this child is almost a year old, she should NOT need to eat at night. And she doesn’t, she nurses for comfort and I feel like crap every time I feel like I should take that away from her. Through all of the craziness that has been this year, nursing is the one constant in her life. I don’t want to wean her yet, not even kinda close, but I would really like to have her sleeping and not nursing at night, especially since she used to do it.

Last night was just horrible. She woke up every hour all night. I had decided I would try the rub her back and “shh” her, well that didn’t work, she just got up and stood at the edge of her crib and screamed her baby obscenities at me. So then I picked her up to snuggle her thinking maybe that would work. Nope. She didn’t want to be snuggled, she wanted the boob. She fought me and tore at my clothes until I finally started crying and gave in. And that’s why I feel like a failure, because I take the easy way out. Everyone keeps telling me, “You need to just let her cry it out. She’ll be fine and will eventually learn that it’s time for bed and will stop waking up.” The thing is I CAN’T let her cry. It screams against all of my maternal instincts to ignore my screaming baby and leave her alone to be scared and sad all alone. She’s had enough to deal with, without me suddenly leaving her alone to cry in the dark. Maybe when she’s older I’d be willing to let her cry for 5-10 minutes, when I can reason with her that, “It’s bed time honey, you need to sleep. Mommy loves you.” But my experience with Leila has taught me that she is more stubborn than I am. She’ll cry and scream and work herself up so much that even when she does eventually calm down, she’s still sniffling and sobbing in her sleep. Maybe it’s my fault. I’ve coddled her and snuggled her and loved her, her whole life, and because of that she doesn’t have the ability to self soothe. Does loving my baby make me a crap parent? Have I turned her into a spoiled brat already?

It’s the old school way to let them cry, but I’ve read research articles that say the stress levels babies reach while crying it out have damaging effects on the brain. AND, it teaches them that when they’re sad and want mommy, she’s not coming. That just seems so sad and wrong to me. “Too bad baby. It’s bed time and you need to sleep, so I’m not going to snuggle you. Deal with it. Go to sleep.” That’s how it plays out in my mind. And if I was a subscriber to the CIO method, I would have ignored my teething, miserable baby last night, so how is that ok? There is a reason she’s not sleeping. Right now it’s teeth, at first it was the transition of moving houses and sleeping in a new place every few days. There is a reason for it, because she used to be able to sleep all night.

My question is, what am I supposed to do? We share a room, so I can’t really leave her to fuss even if I want to because she SEES me. She knows I sleep in there too. I guess I could move to the couch for a while. But even then, what do I do? I need someone to tell me because I’m approaching my wit’s end. I’m exhausted, which makes me moody, which makes me depressed and miss Kolt that much more. I don’t need that nor do I want it. If anyone has helpful suggestions, please offer them. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.