Running

Yesterday I accomplished something I wasn't ever sure I'd do, something worthy enough it was on my bucket list. Yesterday, my sister and I ran a 10k (that's 6.2 miles) without stopping. I started training 2 months ago, so just after Kolt left, thinking a 5k would be as good as I could do in such a short time, I'm signed up for a 5k obstacle course in a few weeks. I was worried I wouldn't be in shape in time for that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm impressed with myself. I went from running 3 minute/1 minute jog/walk intervals to running 70 minutes without having to stop, and not only that, but I honestly felt like I could have kept on going! I'm tempted to train for a half marathon, but that's double the mileage I'm currently logging. That is a HUGE step. So for now, I'm just going to slowly work on increasing my distance and see how it goes. I'm thinking about running 7 miles next weekend, a big jump, but one I think I'm capable of. We'll see.

I've been having a really hard time lately. I went from moseying along just fine, missing Kolt, but not so much it really effected me (except at night, nights are always hard) to crying all the time, exhausted, border lining on depression. I've suffered from depression once in my life, it's not a place I wish to go back to. I have no idea what brought this on, but thankfully for now, it seems to be at bay. This second month is hard. He's been gone a long time, but we're not even half way done yet, and it just feels like it's never going to end. Of course it will, and time is going quickly, but still, we've got a ways to go. Hopefully whatever came over me this past week is gone, and stays gone. It's a scary feeling to feel so out of control and alone, I don't like it.

I think contributing to the overwhelming sadness is my poor baby. I think she had a reaction to her shots and 9 days after the fact I forgot about potential side effects. She was sleeping horribly, nursing all night long, refusing to eat anything for almost a week. I actually yelled at her one night when she woke up. I'd nursed her back to sleep and tried to lie her back down in her bed and she woke up and threw a fit. In my severe exhaustion, I scolded my poor child. The next day when I realized she had a fever and was sick, the extreme guilt set in. I am a horrible mother. My baby was sick and miserable and I yelled at her. (I brought her back to bed with me and snuggled her all night long, so please don't call CPS on me). So she wasn't sleeping, refusing to eat, I'm certain she was losing weight, and there was nothing I could do about any of it. Everything in my life at the moment seems out of my control and I HATE it, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it either.

I'm grateful for the running. It clears my mind, gives me a sense of accomplishment, provides the endorphins I'm desperately lacking and makes me feel like maybe I'm not a failure as a mother after all. I'm excited to continue on with it (despite the fact that winter is coming) and see where it takes me.