He's gone. Finally the dreaded hour has passed and all of the anticipation and worry and anxiety about that moment of saying good bye is over and I'm looking forward to moving on. It wasn't any worse than I thought it would be, but it certainly wasn't better. I had moments where I thought I was going to throw up all over the place, others where my heart was beating out of my chest. I had moments of sheer panic, pride, relief, sadness. The biggest part of my heartache is knowing all that he's going to miss in Leila's life in the next 7 months. I will mostly be the same and he and I will get to communicate one way or another, but it's hard for him to "see" her while he's away. Even with skype and pictures and videos I don't think there's anyway to prepare him for the shock of seeing how much she's grown for when he gets back. But it is what it is, part of what needs to be done so that our country can stay safe. I'm so unbelievably proud of him. Seeing him all geared up in his ABU's and 5000 bags that the Army issued him, watching people watch us, see me cry, see him hold his daughter and get teary eyed....it just made me part of a very elite group of military families and I finally feel like now I can say I'm an Air Force Wife. Not that those who's spouses don't deploy aren't real military spouses, but truly, it's a whole different ball game when you cross into this realm, and I'm PROUD to be a part of it.
I'm trying to figure out what to do next. There has been all of this build up to today that now I kind of don't know what to do now. I'm in Texas for the rest of the week, then back to Idaho where some of my family is that I don't get to see very often. But after that I'm afraid of having this huge feeling of emptiness and loss and a lack of a sense of purpose. Some of his last words to me were, "Stay busy." He knows me, knows I'm a homebody and that I don't go out and do much which is the exact recipe for LONGEST DEPLOYMENT EVER. I'll worry about the next phase when I get home I suppose. We'll just have to take it one day at a time.
He left behind most of his civilian clothing. Last night I noticed a shirt that didn't get washed and I have no desire to wash it. It still smells like him and I think I'll appreciate that. Does that make me weird? Oh well if it does. I'll do what I have to to make it through this as easily as possible.
I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, or treat me with kid gloves or anything. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think this will be hard on me. I'm scared, I'll be lonely, I'll get frustrated, but I WILL get through it in one piece. We picked this, together. I stand by him in everything and deployment will be no different. I love him so much and I look forward to seeing how our relationship will be strengthened by this journey. He's an amazing man, my best friend, my hero and I love him more than anything.
Your strength is amazing. We're so thankful to have men and women like Kolt protecting us here at home. Thank you. And hang in there, take it a day, hour, minute at a time. Praying for all of you!
ReplyDeleteYour a great wife Susannah!! You made me cry reading this I have had hard moments since I left last week! I love you all and I will be here in any way I can while he is gone and would love for you to come spend some time with me! I remember when I was little and Dad was gone for long times I would go and get one if his shirts to smell him and snuggle it so I don't think that is strange at all!! We love you all and will be praying that this goes fast and he stays safe!!
ReplyDeleteSuz, I read this sitting on the edge of my back porch a's my husband mowed the lawn at 10pm in the dark with an LED headlamp on his forehead. A's ridiculous as he looks all I could think of is how I know you would give anything to have Kolt here looking that silly. I have thought of you all day...watched the clock and wondered what it is like and wondered how you were doing and not wanting to ask and pour more salt in the wound and not wanting to not ask and seem uncaring. I feel so bad for you and your family but more than anything Kolt because he is the one that misses that time. I know you will do great documenting every moment and milestone possible in the next seven months. Thank you for sharing your feelings so I didn't have to ask. He is a hero and so are you for supporting him. God Bless your family...may the days go quickly.
ReplyDeleteI think patriotism is something I've never had much of. We grew up in a generation without any major wars. Those before us remember and sacrificed to keep our country safe. Having my brother-in-law deployed has really changed my perspective. I appreciate my freedom and love my country. I am beyond grateful for the servicemen and their families for the sacrifice. I am in awe of men like Patrick and Kolt who leave their children, missing those precious moments, to keep me safe. Thanks for your sacrifice. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers!
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