She walks

My baby, my beautifully stubborn baby decided to start walking yesterday. I've known for a while she COULD but just wouldn't. We've been visiting my mother and because she's in a knew(ish) environment, she gets super clingy. No crawling, let alone walking. Apparently we've spent enough time here now that she decided to get down and play, and start walking. It started off just walking to me from a few feet away, and then she just took off. All day today she's been walking everywhere and I just can't believe it. WHERE did my BABY go????

I've taken some good videos of her to post to Kolt, that way he can see it, in some form. My heart strings are tugged at when I think that he's missing this. It's truly the most amazing thing in the world to watch your child figure things out and master them. Just the other day she crawled over to the edge of a bed, peeked at the floor, then flipped around and climbed down feet first. Whhaaattt?? When did she learn that???? She's so smart, it's scary. She's so much like her daddy, it's scary.

October is just flying by and I'm so excited. Pretty soon we'll be down to single digit weeks left.... I just hope November doesn't drag too badly.

Leila and I went to the zoo this past weekend, and she slept through it, once again. Sigh. Here's the best pic of the two of us.

It's snowing.

It went from 85 to snowing in a matter of 3 days. My brain is having a hard time processing this. Partly because it was SO warm and I was able to take Leila outside whenever she wanted-now she stares outside the patio doors and cries because she wants out and I won't take her, and partly because Kolt left in the summer. It was HOT when he left, 100+ in San Antonio. I've been waiting for fall forever because that means we're one season closer to him coming home, but how is it possible that half of a year will pass and he wasn't here with us? Leila had just learned to crawl, couldn't talk, barely had enough hair to put in a pony tail and now she's taking steps all by herself, talking up a storm and has bed head that would put most teenage punk rock boys to shame. I don't understand how time can stand still and march right on ahead just the same. Leila will be an entirely different little girl when he comes back than when he left. I WILL BE an entirely different person when gets home too, I'm afraid.

This deployment is changing me, in some ways good, some bad. I feel like I'm becoming more independent and stronger. I used to stress out about spending $10 without talking to Kolt first (my own doing, not his) and now I can shop and buy whatever I want and not have to discuss it with him. I really enjoy that kind of freedom. I can call people and yell and be mean and demand things get done because he's not around to do it for me. In these ways I've grown a ton. I can take care of my daughter, the dogs, the bills, the car, EVERYTHING, all on my own. I definitely couldn't have said that before he left. But it's taken it's toll on me now too in ways I hadn't anticipated. I suffer from panic attacks now. Out of no where, this overwhelming, crushing anxiety will just consume me, to the point where I can do nothing but cry. I worry that Kolt will hate what I've done with Leila while he's been gone, I worry that I won't save enough money, I worry that he'll have changed so much that things won't be the same when he gets home. I worry that he won't come home at all. I worry about managing an entire household on my own again. I worry about when we should have our next child. I worry about Leila's lack of sleep and wonder if she's EVER going to sleep through. I worry about Kolt getting his GRE and CCRN taken and passed. I worry about him getting in his application for grad school. I worry about him deploying again. I worry ALL. THE. TIME. And sometimes it gets out of control and I turn into a complete mess. Even typing all of this out, I can feel my pulse race and the stress building up in my chest. I didn't have this issue before. Sure I worried, but not the point that it gave me panic attacks. I really hope it goes away once he's home, because I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. The only thing that calms me down is talking/chatting with him. He is the voice of reason in all of my internal insanity. If I can't talk to him to calm me down, then all of the stress just builds up until I melt down. This is not something I expected to happen, and I don't like it at all.

Our anniversary is in a few days. I spent several weeks working on writing out a book about me and Kolt, a collection of memories if you will. I sent it to him last week and it got there early, so he opened it. I worried (big surprise!) that he'd think it was stupid and I almost didn't send it, but he said he loved it, and I'm so relieved. It will be wonderful to have and to add to as the years go on and be able to look back and reflect on our lives together. I'm so glad I did it and so happy he loves it as much as I do.

Not much going on in the house of Harris. Just trucking along waiting for the New Year. We are finally starting to get things decided and together about our travel plans back to Texas. I'm pleased with the ideas we've had in this regard....one potentially being that Leila flies down with Grandma so she doesn't have to make that awful drive yet again. When Helen suggested that, I immediately felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I've been stressing out about driving Leila back since we got here. She's at that age where she wants to get down and play and doesn't understand about being in the car. I hope it works out because that will make my life SO much easier.

We've heard through the grapevine that Kolt may actually a 6 month deployment, rather than the 7 it ends up being for most people. I can't give out dates of course, but at the moment it's looking like he's going to be coming home 2 weeks sooner than we thought, which in the world of deployment is HUGE. I'm trying not to get too excited because nothing is set in stone, but if Kolt felt confident enough to tell me, he must be fairly sure that's what's going on.

I'm kicking butt with my weight loss. Down 4 pounds already and pushing hard to drop like crazy. I WILL be at my goal when he gets home, I made a promise and I don't intend to break it. Plus, he's working out like crazy and coming home all buff, it seems only fair that I try just as hard.

Our 9th anniversary is next week. Sigh. I sent him a package that I'm quite proud of and I can't wait for him to get it. We decided to celebrate it once he gets home though, which is how it should be. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that when next Tuesday comes and goes though, I'll be sad that it was just another day.

We're past the half way point now and the end is in sight, I think we just might make it.

Dirty Dash and getting back on track

This past weekend my sister and brother in law and I ran in the Dirty Dash. It's a 5k mud obstacle course that was almost entirely straight up a mountain. Despite my feats in running this summer, nothing prepared me for how much that thing was going to kick my @#%. Right from the start we had to run through a nice mud pit, straight up hill to holes full of water and mud, over hay bales, up a muddy hill using a rope, over wood walls, over pipes, all through the mud, some of it as high as our chests. It was a BLAST and as you can see, there is no escaping without becoming totally drenched in mud. I'm really glad we did it, only regret was that Kolt wasn't there!

Today marks 3 months that Kolt has been gone. We're nearly half way done. If it were actually a 6 month deployment like it claims to be, we would be half way done. But transit time doesn't count and so I won't say half way until the first week of October. At times I feel extremely encouraged by the fact that we're 13 weeks into this and almost on the down hill side of it, and others my heart breaks because we still have so long to go. I'm hoping that with the holiday season approaching that time will just fly by.

I decided yesterday that it's time to quit dinking around and get back on Weight Watchers. I got tired of tracking everything when Kolt came home from training since we were eating out a ton and so I let it go. Since he's been gone I've lost the 10 pounds I gained while he was here, but nothing else. I've got 3.5 months to lose 30 pounds and I know I can do it, but I've got to focus on the goal. In a few weeks I'm going back to Salt Lake and want to go shopping for a dress to wear when Kolt comes home. I'll hang it on my closet door and see it every day. I'm going to buy it 2 sizes smaller than I am now and work my butt off to get into it! I'd post pics, but I don't want Kolt to see it :)

Not much else is going on right now, and not much else is scheduled to happen. Hmmm, I might need to fix that!

28

Today, I am 28 years old. Probably 4 or 5 years ago I worked with teenagers at a psychiatric hospital. We had a group check in every morning and for fun we used to have a "Question of the Day." One day I decided the question would be, 'If you could be one age forever, what age would that be?' Most of the kids responded with "18 so I would be an adult and could get out of my parents house." or "21 so I was old enough to drink, but not old." I reflected on this question for a while actually and responded with, "28. I wouldn't be 30, but not too young. Old enough that I'm done with school, and onto the phase of my life where I can be successful, but still young enough to enjoy it." Well, now I'm the age I've always wanted to be, the age I want to be forever, and I'm determined to DO something with it. What have I accomplished in my life so far? What do I still want to accomplish? These are the questions I've been really thinking about a lot lately.

What have I accomplished? I've graduated from college, I've married an incredible man, I've been pregnant and given birth to the most amazing little girl, I've held a job where I spent my time working with at risk youth and I loved it, and now I'm a military spouse to a deployed airman. I still have aspirations of a master's degree someday, another child or two, traveling with my family, all the normal things most people want. I really am excited to see where life and the Air Force take us once this deployment is over.

I decided to send 27 out with a bang by running 7 miles yesterday. Yes, SEVEN. I did not stop once to walk and it all but killed me, haha. The 10k last week was so easy, I'm not quite sure why this was so hard, but I am beyond proud of myself that I did it. I'd like to run a half marathon this year, I'd like to lose the last 30 pounds I have hanging on my bones. I'd like to be happy with my body for once in my adult life. I think these are all worthy and attainable goals this year.

I celebrated my birthday yesterday by going out to dinner with my whole family (the ones who live in Idaho anyway) and that was really fun. We all love Red Lobster and it was nice to all be together. Then we went back to my sister's house and had cheesecake, and THAT was delicious. I really do appreciate being close to my family, especially on the holidays, it makes being away from Kolt a bit easier.

Speaking of my amazing husband, he got me the most unbelievably thoughtful gift. He's had this planned for me since he got to Afghanistan. Today, in honor of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and for my birthday, he had a flag flown over his hospital that I get to keep. It is such a special day for this country and to have a reminder straight from the heart of the action, just means so much. The attacks that day are the reason my husband is over there, the reason why thousands of husband and wives are over there, and I hope none of us ever forget the price so many of us have to pay to keep our country safe.

I love my gift, baby. Thank you so much.

Dreams

When Kolt first left, I hoped that I would dream about him frequently, that way we could be together, at least at night. It took a while before my dreams were of him consistently, and now that they are, I almost wish they'd stop. I underestimated how hard it would be to dream of his green eyes, his face rough with whiskers, his hands soft and strong. Every night I'm dreaming about him, and every morning I wake up expecting to find him there, and he's not.

What's interesting though is that almost all of my dreams of him aren't that he's home and we're a happy family, it's that he's still deployed, but able to come back for a temporary visit, be it a few hours or a day. So I'm always rushing to find him, to get to him, astounded by his presence one he's there, and feel rushed to soak up every minute of him until he has to leave again. My dream last night was so vivid that he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him for his deployment (one I've never seen on him as I had it sent to him after he left) and also a necklace I sent to him, one to which I have the matching other half - again, something I've never actually seen on him. THAT really threw me off and made my waking this morning particularly awful. It was so real, HE was so real. Normally I don't remember those specific details from my dreams. I miss him, so so much.

The only thing that helps ease that ache is waking up next to my daughter. I never intended to co-sleep, and we only do it in the early mornings, but I love having her there to help remind me that I'm not alone. Kolt told me before he left that he really didn't want me sleeping with her that much, so that when he got home we wouldn't have a battle transitioning her back to her own bed, he must have known I would miss having another warm body next to me. I imagine it's actually going to be really difficult getting used to sleeping with someone else again, it's a good thing we have a king sized bed I suppose.

I haven't been as down this week, but I'm still not myself. We're approaching the half way point in a few weeks and I think that will help. I suspect part of the reason I'm still not totally happy is because he's going to miss my birthday this weekend, and our anniversary next month. So many things he should be here for, but he's not. Oh well, it is what it is.

Running

Yesterday I accomplished something I wasn't ever sure I'd do, something worthy enough it was on my bucket list. Yesterday, my sister and I ran a 10k (that's 6.2 miles) without stopping. I started training 2 months ago, so just after Kolt left, thinking a 5k would be as good as I could do in such a short time, I'm signed up for a 5k obstacle course in a few weeks. I was worried I wouldn't be in shape in time for that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm impressed with myself. I went from running 3 minute/1 minute jog/walk intervals to running 70 minutes without having to stop, and not only that, but I honestly felt like I could have kept on going! I'm tempted to train for a half marathon, but that's double the mileage I'm currently logging. That is a HUGE step. So for now, I'm just going to slowly work on increasing my distance and see how it goes. I'm thinking about running 7 miles next weekend, a big jump, but one I think I'm capable of. We'll see.

I've been having a really hard time lately. I went from moseying along just fine, missing Kolt, but not so much it really effected me (except at night, nights are always hard) to crying all the time, exhausted, border lining on depression. I've suffered from depression once in my life, it's not a place I wish to go back to. I have no idea what brought this on, but thankfully for now, it seems to be at bay. This second month is hard. He's been gone a long time, but we're not even half way done yet, and it just feels like it's never going to end. Of course it will, and time is going quickly, but still, we've got a ways to go. Hopefully whatever came over me this past week is gone, and stays gone. It's a scary feeling to feel so out of control and alone, I don't like it.

I think contributing to the overwhelming sadness is my poor baby. I think she had a reaction to her shots and 9 days after the fact I forgot about potential side effects. She was sleeping horribly, nursing all night long, refusing to eat anything for almost a week. I actually yelled at her one night when she woke up. I'd nursed her back to sleep and tried to lie her back down in her bed and she woke up and threw a fit. In my severe exhaustion, I scolded my poor child. The next day when I realized she had a fever and was sick, the extreme guilt set in. I am a horrible mother. My baby was sick and miserable and I yelled at her. (I brought her back to bed with me and snuggled her all night long, so please don't call CPS on me). So she wasn't sleeping, refusing to eat, I'm certain she was losing weight, and there was nothing I could do about any of it. Everything in my life at the moment seems out of my control and I HATE it, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it either.

I'm grateful for the running. It clears my mind, gives me a sense of accomplishment, provides the endorphins I'm desperately lacking and makes me feel like maybe I'm not a failure as a mother after all. I'm excited to continue on with it (despite the fact that winter is coming) and see where it takes me.