Holy Cow

So this whole weight loss thing has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and stalls, but I finally feel like I'm seeing progress, thanks to a picture I had taken of me today. I've been able to tell in the last couple of weeks that my arms are toning up and my belly is less flubby, but it wasn't until I saw this pic today until the reality hit me, I really am starting to look good.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but 75 pounds is nothing to turn your nose up at. I still have 20-30 more I want to lose, but I'm happy to say I no longer think of myself as a fat person. Well, mostly I don't. I think that nagging doubt will always be in my head, which I think is normal for people who have been big before. But I'm proud of all I have accomplished and will still yet accomplish. It's all a matter of choice and determination. Once I decided I was ready to embrace a healthier life style, and put in the work, the results came.

Here is me 6 days after I had Leila. I'm quite swollen with fluids, but even still I can admit it, I look horrible.

And here I am today, with my gorgeous baby, all grown up.

Thankful

Tonight, I'm thankful for the wonderful people the AF has brought into our lives. I suppose part of living the military life style is meeting remarkable people, and then having to tell them good bye. They aren't just friends, they become your family as you travel across the world and go where the service wants you.

I knew when we left San Antonio that there would be a good chance that Chrissy wouldn't be there when we got back, but not so much so that I really gave her a proper good bye. For some reason, tonight it's slapped me in the face that my one and only AF spouse girl friend will be gone when I get home. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to survive down there without her. And not just because she takes phenomenal pictures (which she does), but because she's an incredible person, who I was blessed to get to know.

Because our husbands are pursuing the same career path, chances are we'll see each other again, and I think we should plan a girls weekend get together anyway, just because we're awesome for holding down the home front while our men are away. It will most likely be years before we are stationed at the same place again, if ever, and this BREAKS. MY. HEART.

I'm not the type of person that has tons of friends, and I don't make friends easily. I can probably count on one hand the number of true friends I have, they're invaluable to me, and I hate that I'm losing her to the AF life already. She's one of the most decent, honest, tell it like it is, god fearing, wonderful people I've ever had the blessing of getting to know, and she won't be replaced and will most definitely be missed.

In her honor, I'm posting my favorite pics that she's taken throughout the time I knew her.

I love you Chrissy, God Speed.

Sigh.

I'm torturing myself tonight by watching military homecomings on youtube. Not sure what made me decide to do that, but now it's hurting. I'm at the point now where it really feels like we're entering the home stretch, but in reality still have a ways to go. It makes me anxious because now I'm more focused on him coming home than ever and it doesn't help time to pass any faster. I do believe and feel that it's coming to an end, but we still have two months to go and that's no small thing. I don't have a lot of things planned out either and that's no help. I just miss him, so much. I miss being able to just talk to him when I have something to say, not have to write it down to be sure I remember to tell him the next time we chat. I miss joking around with him and picking on each other. I miss having a normal conversation about day to day boring stuff, not just plans for the future or the what ifs. I miss having a normal life that doesn't revolve around deployment. I know we're almost there, but the hole in my heart that his absence has left feels particularly huge tonight. And it really doesn't help that last night he told me it looks like his homecoming date has been pushed back by a few weeks. Nothing is for certain of course, but that's the last thing I wanted to hear. It is what it is, it's totally normal and it shouldn't have caught me off guard, but it did, and I hurt. I long for the day when this is all over, and tonight, I'm certain I'll be crying myself to sleep.

I can't believe it.....

Well, last night went remarkably well. I put her down at 7:30, her new official bed time, she cried for 20 minutes and was out. She slept all the way until 2 (really 3 am with the time change) and woke and cried for about 6-7 minutes, more whined really, and was out again. She woke up at 4 (really 5) and I nursed her, lied her down awake, she protested for about a minute and went to sleep. She was still lying down when I went into the room though, and so she may very well have gone back to sleep. Then I took her into bed with me at 6 and we snuggled until 7. I'm not ready to give up the morning snuggles yet. Today she went down for nap time in a matter of minutes. My mother in law graciously offered to let me move Leila into the guest room so that she can have her own room and I was very nervous. You'd think I'd be fine since I first moved her into her own room at 3.5 months old, but still....she's my baby and I've grown used to having her close. We did her bed time routine and I lied her down awake, she cried for 4....FOUR minutes and seems to be asleep. I don't dare hold out hope that this will continue, it's simply too good to be true.

If this keeps up, I'll have to eat my words. For being 100% against crying it out, it looks like it may be exactly what my baby girl needs. It does NOT mean I don't love her, or that I'm ignoring her, or that she's going to be insecure or feel like I've abandoned her. She's old enough now that I feel she understands it's bed time, and I'll be there when it's time to get up. People who are anti CIO (cry it out) are VERY anti CIO and I used to be one of them. I've learned now not to judge and it's not as cut and dried as "if you leave your baby to cry, you're a horrible neglectful parent." Sleep is so important, Leila was much happier and pleasant today and I think that is in large part due to her sleeping well. Here's to hoping it continues to go this well.

Ug.

I'm doing something tonight I swore I would never do, I'm letting Leila "cry it out." I would have never thought it would come to this and I know many people who will think I'm a horrible mother for doing this, but it really has come down to nothing else has worked. Her sleep has deteriorated such that after her 2nd night waking (around 1-2 am) she won't go back to sleep in her own bed, she cries if she does. She nurses every 45-60 minutes after she gets in bed with me and wakes up around 4 am just talking and ready to get on with the day. I haven't gotten more than 2-3 hours of sleep at once in I don't know how long. She's screaming right now as I right this and I feel like shit. I hope she'll forgive me.

On a different note, Halloween was a blast. She was such a cute little cookie monster and loved trick or treating and held on to her pumpkin all night long. I have so cute pictures....but they're all on my phone, I'll have to see if I can get them uploaded.

Kolt is doing well. We're down to 2 months to go. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. October just flew by and I'm hoping November does too. I still have no clue how exactly I'm getting back to Texas. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can get it narrowed down and someone will drive with me. I could drive alone, but I'd rather not. My mother in law has graciously offered to fly down with Leila so she can avoid that awful, long journey.

I may blog a few more times tonight to get me through, hearing her cry is ripping at my heart.

She walks

My baby, my beautifully stubborn baby decided to start walking yesterday. I've known for a while she COULD but just wouldn't. We've been visiting my mother and because she's in a knew(ish) environment, she gets super clingy. No crawling, let alone walking. Apparently we've spent enough time here now that she decided to get down and play, and start walking. It started off just walking to me from a few feet away, and then she just took off. All day today she's been walking everywhere and I just can't believe it. WHERE did my BABY go????

I've taken some good videos of her to post to Kolt, that way he can see it, in some form. My heart strings are tugged at when I think that he's missing this. It's truly the most amazing thing in the world to watch your child figure things out and master them. Just the other day she crawled over to the edge of a bed, peeked at the floor, then flipped around and climbed down feet first. Whhaaattt?? When did she learn that???? She's so smart, it's scary. She's so much like her daddy, it's scary.

October is just flying by and I'm so excited. Pretty soon we'll be down to single digit weeks left.... I just hope November doesn't drag too badly.

Leila and I went to the zoo this past weekend, and she slept through it, once again. Sigh. Here's the best pic of the two of us.

It's snowing.

It went from 85 to snowing in a matter of 3 days. My brain is having a hard time processing this. Partly because it was SO warm and I was able to take Leila outside whenever she wanted-now she stares outside the patio doors and cries because she wants out and I won't take her, and partly because Kolt left in the summer. It was HOT when he left, 100+ in San Antonio. I've been waiting for fall forever because that means we're one season closer to him coming home, but how is it possible that half of a year will pass and he wasn't here with us? Leila had just learned to crawl, couldn't talk, barely had enough hair to put in a pony tail and now she's taking steps all by herself, talking up a storm and has bed head that would put most teenage punk rock boys to shame. I don't understand how time can stand still and march right on ahead just the same. Leila will be an entirely different little girl when he comes back than when he left. I WILL BE an entirely different person when gets home too, I'm afraid.

This deployment is changing me, in some ways good, some bad. I feel like I'm becoming more independent and stronger. I used to stress out about spending $10 without talking to Kolt first (my own doing, not his) and now I can shop and buy whatever I want and not have to discuss it with him. I really enjoy that kind of freedom. I can call people and yell and be mean and demand things get done because he's not around to do it for me. In these ways I've grown a ton. I can take care of my daughter, the dogs, the bills, the car, EVERYTHING, all on my own. I definitely couldn't have said that before he left. But it's taken it's toll on me now too in ways I hadn't anticipated. I suffer from panic attacks now. Out of no where, this overwhelming, crushing anxiety will just consume me, to the point where I can do nothing but cry. I worry that Kolt will hate what I've done with Leila while he's been gone, I worry that I won't save enough money, I worry that he'll have changed so much that things won't be the same when he gets home. I worry that he won't come home at all. I worry about managing an entire household on my own again. I worry about when we should have our next child. I worry about Leila's lack of sleep and wonder if she's EVER going to sleep through. I worry about Kolt getting his GRE and CCRN taken and passed. I worry about him getting in his application for grad school. I worry about him deploying again. I worry ALL. THE. TIME. And sometimes it gets out of control and I turn into a complete mess. Even typing all of this out, I can feel my pulse race and the stress building up in my chest. I didn't have this issue before. Sure I worried, but not the point that it gave me panic attacks. I really hope it goes away once he's home, because I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. The only thing that calms me down is talking/chatting with him. He is the voice of reason in all of my internal insanity. If I can't talk to him to calm me down, then all of the stress just builds up until I melt down. This is not something I expected to happen, and I don't like it at all.

Our anniversary is in a few days. I spent several weeks working on writing out a book about me and Kolt, a collection of memories if you will. I sent it to him last week and it got there early, so he opened it. I worried (big surprise!) that he'd think it was stupid and I almost didn't send it, but he said he loved it, and I'm so relieved. It will be wonderful to have and to add to as the years go on and be able to look back and reflect on our lives together. I'm so glad I did it and so happy he loves it as much as I do.