The Phoenix

Well, it seems the time has come for me to go on a path of self discovery and renewal. I've come to the realization that at 25, I'm still not quite sure who I really am. I've been so lost ever since I lost my babies and I've decided that it's time I stopped wallowing in my misery and pick myself up and move on. I've been afraid it would be disrespectful to them if I just forgot about them and went on with my everyday life, but in trying to hold on to their memories I've slowly been descending down a path of internal self destruction. So after a nice (well maybe not so nice) long talk with Kolt last night, I've decided that I'm finally ready to let them go and move on with the rest of my life.

The happiest I've been since I lost the first one was when I was running and I'm ready to completely throw myself back into it. Before I was using a program called Couch-to-5k and it was amazing. It's a nine week program invented for people who don't run, but want to. I am by no means a distance runner but I can't believe what an accomplishment it would be to run a 10k or a half marathon! So I will re-start the program tomorrow. I don't think I want to start all the way back at the beginning, because I have been running the last month, but I do want to utilize the program to build me up to 5k ability. Then once I'm able to run 5k with no problems, then I'll move on the the next phase, preparing for a 10k. My goal is by the end of the summer to run a 10k, maybe even a half marathon. I need to start looking for races now and sign up for them as soon as I can so I have a deadline to be ready by.

I want to thank all of my friends who have stood by me through the last year. It's been the hardest of my life and I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. But it's time I put it into perspective and realize that I am blessed in so many other ways, and it could be SO much harder. I mean, the very fact that we sold our house for the price we wanted in about two months is incredible! Kolt has a good job and even if he never got into graduate school it would be sufficient for our needs and we would never have to worry about him being out of work. Kolt and I have been given a very unique opportunity to spend so much time together, many couples would kill for a tenth of the time we get alone. I need to try and remember the things I do have and stop crying over the things I don't. It won't change what's been done and I'm finally ready to put it behind me and try and become a better person, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister and daughter. It's not going to be easy, but I know it will be worth all the pain in the end. I'm ready to submit the fire of the phoenix and let the past burn behind me and emerge a stronger woman.