Just Relaxing and Reflecting

First of all I have to say to those of you who get this sent to them in an email with the yellow font but a white background...I'm sorry. Click on the blog link so you can see it with the background and it will be much easier to read...and cuter that way!

So it's Monday night and Kolt comes home sometime on Wednesday. Hopefully sooner than later but most likely late Wednesday night. I got through the hard part of the week (which is always the weekend) and now I know I can make it and he'll be here soon, yay!

One of my old friends from high school some how managed to find this blog and so I went to her page and found some more of my old high school friends and looked at their pages too. It just really sank in that ALL of them have children...and we don't. Not for lack of trying, but we don't and it's hard. Some of them have several kids, not just one, and it really makes me feel like I'm behind and missing out. Kolt and I chose to wait to have children until he was done with school so that put us back 5 years, which was and is completely fine. Then we spent a year trying and at the end of the year all we had to show for it was 2 failed pregnancies. Now we're choosing to wait another 3-4 years and it just seems SO against the grain. Not that we're your typical Mormon couple anyways, but I just don't know anyone else like us and it makes it hard. Like we're not doing what we're supposed to be doing or something and I feel out of place. That's part of the biggest reason why I've had a hard time going to church these last 2 years. Because it's a place full of young happy couples who are pregnant or have children and I just don't feel like I belong. I think I read it in "A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" when I was pregnant the first time that being pregnant and a mother is like being in a club, and once you're in that club, you're in for life and anyone who walks down the street with a kid can stop and talk to you for hours about the joys and horrors of pregnancy and motherhood. And well, I just don't belong. Anytime I do try to participate in a conversation about first trimester pregnancy, it gets awkward because then someone will ask, "How old is your child now?" and then I just have to reply, "Oh it didn't make it. I miscarried." And then no one knows what to say and I feel silly for speaking up. But I so badly want to be a part of "the club" that I always open my mouth and try to add to the conversation.

This just really shows me that no matter how much time has passed, no matter how good I think I am, it's always going to hurt. And sometimes it really comes out of no where, and to be frank, it sucks. I don't regret not trying now, and I wouldn't take back those pregnancies, even knowing how they would end. But it still just sucks sometimes, does that make sense? It's like I've honestly known my whole life that this was going to be a trial for me. That I wanted to be a mother SO badly that I knew there was no way it was going to just "happen" for me, and I've been right, all along. And some days with some things, it just brings it all back and it's hard.

That's not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family members who are mothers, and that I don't love to be around them and their children, so don't misunderstand me please! I'm just feeling left out and behind lately, that's all.

On a more positive note, I set out a plan of action with my meal planning and bought everything I wanted and needed to get going. I really do feel good about that and know I can accomplish my goals in that aspect of my life, which is good. I really need something positive and happy going on right now!

Ok that's probably enough for now. I'm debating whether or not to even post this, but I really didn't just was 30 minutes typing for nothing. So here you go...take it as it is.

Only the Lonely

Can I just say how much i HATE having to be apart from Kolt? The weekend is always the hardest part because it's right in the middle of the time he's gone. AND to top it all off, he has his on call shift this week so instead of being gone 6 days, he'll be gone 7. My sister and her family are here which totally helps me not to be quite so alone, but at the same time it just kind of messes with my routine and I walk around all day not doing what I normally would do and that's hard too.

We only get to talk once a day at about 9pm for about 20 minutes, and right now that's just not cutting it. I almost want to drive all the way back down there just so I can see him again. If I can just get past today, that will help. When Monday comes the rest of the days usually go by quickly. I hope.

On a more positive note, I got on the wii fit this morning. I hadn't set it back up since we got back from Utah as I was afraid of what it would say so I've just been doing the treadmill. It's so hard when we're in Utah because we eat out the entire time we're there. I try to make good choices but it's hard sometimes. Anyhow, I was down half a pound so that makes me happy! I mean, in theory after 2 weeks I should be down like 2-4lbs but down is down. Plus I really hadn't kicked it into gear until Wednesday maybe even Thursday this week, so it's ok. NOW I'd like to see it go down rapidly.

Yesterday online I went to Victoria's Secret to pick out swim suits for this summer. They're part of my motivation and my goal. I picked one SMOKING hot one that I knew Kolt would love, and then I picked out one more modest one for when I'm around my family. Both are cute, although Kolt doesn't really like the one piece I picked, but that's because it's a one piece lol. Anyhow, I think it made him happy to see that I had goals in mind, rather bold ones, and I'm going to work crazy hard to get there!!

You may see a few more random blogs from me in the next few days as I get bored and even more lonely. Hopefully you don't mind reading them and if you do, then don't feel like you have to ;)

Injury report

Well, I lied about no one being hurt. Kolt's toe was much better the next day and has been a non issue since. I however, managed to pull some intercostal muscles in my chest and at about 8 pm on Monday had an AWFUL time trying to breathe. It hurt so bad and I couldn't sleep all night. I got up at about 3am and stayed awake until 7 so Kolt could sleep. I took a loratab around 5am and managed to get some sleep.



Tuesday was worse. I could hardly breathe, couldn't cough or hiccup or sneeze. It was horrible, and then I was holding my body in such a way as to protect my injury that I strained my back and hurt it and my neck as well! A muscle relaxer did nothing but make me loopy and so at bed time I had to take 2 pheorocets and finally got some sleep. Wednesday I was finally starting to recover, enough that I braved my mom and dad's new treadmill! It hurt but I did it and was quite proud of myself.



Now it's Thursday and I am bout 80% better I would say. I have no idea how I did it, since it didn't hurt right away but it's got to be from skiing. Hopefully it doesn't happen again because I had so much fun!



I'm really glad that Kolt and I have FINALLY been able to find a hobby I think we're both truly going to enjoy. It's been a hard thing for us. He has a billion things he likes to do and I have reading, playing the piano, and volleyball. None of which he can participate in with me. This is something we can do TOGETHER and do for the rest of our lives! I'm so excited about that.



This summer we really want to get into camping and hiking and so I'm hoping that by running and XC Skiing I'll be in great shape this summer and ready to tackle whatever mountain we decide to climb. We've been very blessed to get all of this time to spend together and I don't want to waste it sitting around doing nothing!



We've been talking about planning a big trip this summer though I'm not sure where yet. We would both love to get into scuba diving, and so maybe we can get certified and take a trip to Belize or Fiji! We've been talking about it for years, but I couldn't get scuba certified while we were trying to get pregnant as it's not safe for the baby. Now that we know that's a non issue for a while, we can finally really get into some good hobbies and spend more time together :)



We'll be getting a little digital camera soon and when Kolt gets done with this week's work I think we're going up to visit his parents and go skiing with them in the Ashton area. It should be beautiful. I'm not sure I'm ready to ski infront of other people yet, it's rather embarrassing how clumsy I am. But I know his parents won't laugh at me...too hard anyways ;)

First Day of Skiing

Well, today was the big day. My first day on my shiny new cross county skis. I failed to calculate just how awkward it was going to be trying to keep my balance! For some reason I'd been having dreams that I wouldn't be able to make myself go, not the problem. The issue is keeping upright and not falling over. The real issue was we went up Strawberry Canyon to an area that people had been snow mobiling in. So there were tracks and we didn't have to break our own trail, but it was wobbly track with grooves that pull you here, there, and every where. I think I probably fell down six or so times, but you're not going very fast and the snow was nice and soft. The hard part there is getting back up! Twice I just had to detach my ski because it was far to awkward to get up. Kolt humored me once and fell himself. Nice to know it happens to the best of us occasionally :)

We figure we went about 4 miles or so and were out for about 2 hours. I tell ya my heart was pumping like crazy, what a work out! But it's not like running where you're winded and sucking air, you're heart's just going and my face got red and I got sweaty, but I could always keep going after I rested for a second.

I definitely felt myself get the hang of it more and more as we went and I'm sure if I keep at it I'll be far more efficient in my strides and work less and be able to go farther. That's what Kolt says anyways and I'm trusting him on it.

The only major injury of the day was Kolt's. He was closing the hatch on the Xterra after we got all geared up and his pole stabbed his big toe. Then the hatch shut and shoved it farther down on him. It looks like someone tried to cut his toe off! Poor baby. We probably won't be going back out tomorrow because of it. Hopefully it heals quickly because right now it hurts him like crazy!

Not the best at this

Ok, I just wanted to apologize for the STUPID format the PICS post is generating. I keep trying to fix it but it won't line up right, and I'm tired of trying. So just do your best trying to read the type.

Kolt and I bought our cross country skiiing equipment! We shopped around all over but decided on a back country package for Kolt, and a classic ski package for me. I've been doing some research and it looks like there are a lot of places that have groomed trails that we can explore, in Utah and Idaho. We're really looking forward to going up to Ashton (close to his parent's house) and skiing up there. They seem to have several trails and it's gorgeous up there. We have nothing but time on his days off so I can't think of a better way to spend it than deep in the heart of nature, together, exercising! We're planning on getting a nice little digital camera to take with us so we can share our experiences with all of you!

I suppose that's all that I have to update right now. We're headed back to Preston on Sunday and plan to go out skiing on Monday. I hope to have some pics to post then :)

Pics

Ok, i JUST figured out how to add pictures, yay! So I thought I would add some from our trip to California with our good friends Dan and Gritt Batchelor (Dan is the guy in our profile pic with us aha).

First of all, here is a pic of our new car. Like I said, it's gorgeous and we love it. The all wheel drive has been a Godsend in this horrible weather and I imagine with some good snow tires would be even more amazing.

This is a picture of LA's own Naples. It really and truly feels like you're in Italy when you're there

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This is Kolt in th Lorikeet Forrest at the Aquarium of the Pacific. He brought them over by holding an empty cup of nectar. No need to spring the fifty cents to get them to come over when you can trick them!

This is a picture of Kolt getting attacked by a Lorikeet. He thought it was a good idea to pick up an empty cup of nectar to bring them up close. Little did he know they'd be TICKED when they realized he had no food for them! (that's Dan again in the background, laughing at him :)

This is Kolt wondering around the tide pools in San Diego. We saw all sorts of natural salt water life here which was a real treat for the aquarium nut!

This is Dan, Kolt, and I walking the streets in Coranado at sunset. It was really quite beautiful.

Ok, that's enough for now. If you reall want to see more, send me an email and I'll give you the link to my photobucket account which has all 250 something pictures from this trip.

Christmas

We spent this Christmas here and there and everywhere. We spent several days at my sister Piper's house for the actual Christmas Day. We had tons of yummy food and it was really fun to see her kids open their presents. I myself got very lucky and scored a Wii, Wii Fit, Mario Cart, and Wii Play. I just bought the new Jillian Michales game (trainer from the biggest loser) and have lost 2.5 lbs since Christmas!!! I really wasn't expecting the Wii at all but I love it.

Kolt says he got a new car for Christmas. We boughta 2008 Infiniti G35 and if I can ever figure out how to load pictures on here, we'll take pics and i'll post them. It's a beautiful car and everything we need. It has all wheel drive and handles wonderfully in the snow, AND can tackle mom and dad's hill with ease. He also got some Cabela's money to buy duck hunting stuff and some new cologne. Well, I also got him the Rock Band drum pad silencers and a PS3 game, but he got those before Christmas!

On the 26th We went to Kolt's sister Brandi's house and spent the weekend there. She also got a Wii fit and we spent most of the time playing it there too! I however, am the only one I know of that got Mario Kart so we played that a lot as well :)

Now it's the New Year and I'm looking forward to a lot of changes in our lives in '09. 2008 I will admit was one of the hardest years of my life and I'm not horribly sorry to see it go. This year we hope to get Kolt into graduate school and pick up some new hobbies. We're thinking about cross country skiing and may go look at some skis today!

We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and new Year.