First of all I have to say to those of you who get this sent to them in an email with the yellow font but a white background...I'm sorry. Click on the blog link so you can see it with the background and it will be much easier to read...and cuter that way!
So it's Monday night and Kolt comes home sometime on Wednesday. Hopefully sooner than later but most likely late Wednesday night. I got through the hard part of the week (which is always the weekend) and now I know I can make it and he'll be here soon, yay!
One of my old friends from high school some how managed to find this blog and so I went to her page and found some more of my old high school friends and looked at their pages too. It just really sank in that ALL of them have children...and we don't. Not for lack of trying, but we don't and it's hard. Some of them have several kids, not just one, and it really makes me feel like I'm behind and missing out. Kolt and I chose to wait to have children until he was done with school so that put us back 5 years, which was and is completely fine. Then we spent a year trying and at the end of the year all we had to show for it was 2 failed pregnancies. Now we're choosing to wait another 3-4 years and it just seems SO against the grain. Not that we're your typical Mormon couple anyways, but I just don't know anyone else like us and it makes it hard. Like we're not doing what we're supposed to be doing or something and I feel out of place. That's part of the biggest reason why I've had a hard time going to church these last 2 years. Because it's a place full of young happy couples who are pregnant or have children and I just don't feel like I belong. I think I read it in "A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" when I was pregnant the first time that being pregnant and a mother is like being in a club, and once you're in that club, you're in for life and anyone who walks down the street with a kid can stop and talk to you for hours about the joys and horrors of pregnancy and motherhood. And well, I just don't belong. Anytime I do try to participate in a conversation about first trimester pregnancy, it gets awkward because then someone will ask, "How old is your child now?" and then I just have to reply, "Oh it didn't make it. I miscarried." And then no one knows what to say and I feel silly for speaking up. But I so badly want to be a part of "the club" that I always open my mouth and try to add to the conversation.
This just really shows me that no matter how much time has passed, no matter how good I think I am, it's always going to hurt. And sometimes it really comes out of no where, and to be frank, it sucks. I don't regret not trying now, and I wouldn't take back those pregnancies, even knowing how they would end. But it still just sucks sometimes, does that make sense? It's like I've honestly known my whole life that this was going to be a trial for me. That I wanted to be a mother SO badly that I knew there was no way it was going to just "happen" for me, and I've been right, all along. And some days with some things, it just brings it all back and it's hard.
That's not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family members who are mothers, and that I don't love to be around them and their children, so don't misunderstand me please! I'm just feeling left out and behind lately, that's all.
On a more positive note, I set out a plan of action with my meal planning and bought everything I wanted and needed to get going. I really do feel good about that and know I can accomplish my goals in that aspect of my life, which is good. I really need something positive and happy going on right now!
Ok that's probably enough for now. I'm debating whether or not to even post this, but I really didn't just was 30 minutes typing for nothing. So here you go...take it as it is.
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susannah....
ReplyDeletemotherhood is like a club. but so is the situation you are in, the struggles you are having. it just isn't as open as being a mother. so many women have a hard time having babies. don't be so hard on yourself. it will come for you, i know it will.
i have met a few women that i blog with that have struggled with this too. if you have some time you should read these articles, it might help.
http://www.normalmormons.com/2008/11/no-offense.html
http://www.normalmormons.com/2008/11/church-and-infertility.html
http://yayastuff.blogspot.com/
good luck with your meal planning goals. that's something i totally suck at!
Susannah,
ReplyDeleteI can't say as I've been in your shoes so I won't impart with my advice or wisdom on that subject. It would just be me saying stuff I don't understand. Although I do sympathize with you. All I can say is that you are an amazing couple and you're doing the best you can. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you're preparing your body and mind for when motherhood does happen. That's what's important. Stick to your goals and they will come to you.
If you need an ear, give me a call and we'll go for a walk and talk. Sometimes you just need to talk about it to someone who doesn't judge or take offense. It's good for the mind. I'm not the traditional mormon either, but it works for me.
Thanks to both of you girls. And actually, I do have a place I can talk about it. I've been a member of a website called twoweekwait.com for over a year now. It's a site where women with or without fertility issues can come and cheer each other on while trying to get pregnant. I don't know what I would have done this last year with the love and support of the great friends I've made there (you know who you are and i love you!). I think I would be much worse off with them. BUT as much as I have benefitted from the friends I've made there, none of them are LDS and I have yet to meet someone who is to really talk about it with them. While the pain of the loss of a baby is fairly universal, putting it into an eternal perspective is not, and I just haven't been able to find the answers I'm looking for with the pain I've suffered do to these losses.
ReplyDeleteCorrine- i just read a little bit of that first link you gave to me and really feel like I can sympathize. I've had various things said liek that to me, but my problem is I'm not as faithful as these women and I've just stopped going to church altogether because there are always a billion babies and pregnant women and when they ask how long we've been married and then find out we have no children, we get snubbed and I'm just tired of it. I know it's not the answer, I know that probably makes me a bad person, but I just can't deal with it most of the time.
This made me cry b/c you have said the things I feel. I know we've talked about it, but it's a daily struggle. Some days are better than others as you well know, yet each day that passes we find ourselves becoming a little stronger in the face of those that have what we long to have and experience. You will get to be in that club Sus. I do have my faith in God that one day I will get to be in that club, and He does see me through each day but so do you girls. We will never forget what we've been through once we have our babies in our arms, but oh what joy that day will bring when we are in the mothers club.
ReplyDeleteAw Amy, I didn't mean to make you cry hun! But there is some measure of comfort in know that SOMEONE else knows what you're going through, that you don't have to be so strong all the time and that others share your pain. I don't know what I'd do without you girls.
ReplyDelete