On to the next phase

I need to write more often. So much has happened this month and now I'm scrambling to remember it all to get it down. There will be time for all that I suppose, this blog however, is to talk about today.

He's gone. Finally the dreaded hour has passed and all of the anticipation and worry and anxiety about that moment of saying good bye is over and I'm looking forward to moving on. It wasn't any worse than I thought it would be, but it certainly wasn't better. I had moments where I thought I was going to throw up all over the place, others where my heart was beating out of my chest. I had moments of sheer panic, pride, relief, sadness. The biggest part of my heartache is knowing all that he's going to miss in Leila's life in the next 7 months. I will mostly be the same and he and I will get to communicate one way or another, but it's hard for him to "see" her while he's away. Even with skype and pictures and videos I don't think there's anyway to prepare him for the shock of seeing how much she's grown for when he gets back. But it is what it is, part of what needs to be done so that our country can stay safe. I'm so unbelievably proud of him. Seeing him all geared up in his ABU's and 5000 bags that the Army issued him, watching people watch us, see me cry, see him hold his daughter and get teary eyed....it just made me part of a very elite group of military families and I finally feel like now I can say I'm an Air Force Wife. Not that those who's spouses don't deploy aren't real military spouses, but truly, it's a whole different ball game when you cross into this realm, and I'm PROUD to be a part of it.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. There has been all of this build up to today that now I kind of don't know what to do now. I'm in Texas for the rest of the week, then back to Idaho where some of my family is that I don't get to see very often. But after that I'm afraid of having this huge feeling of emptiness and loss and a lack of a sense of purpose. Some of his last words to me were, "Stay busy." He knows me, knows I'm a homebody and that I don't go out and do much which is the exact recipe for LONGEST DEPLOYMENT EVER. I'll worry about the next phase when I get home I suppose. We'll just have to take it one day at a time.

He left behind most of his civilian clothing. Last night I noticed a shirt that didn't get washed and I have no desire to wash it. It still smells like him and I think I'll appreciate that. Does that make me weird? Oh well if it does. I'll do what I have to to make it through this as easily as possible.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, or treat me with kid gloves or anything. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think this will be hard on me. I'm scared, I'll be lonely, I'll get frustrated, but I WILL get through it in one piece. We picked this, together. I stand by him in everything and deployment will be no different. I love him so much and I look forward to seeing how our relationship will be strengthened by this journey. He's an amazing man, my best friend, my hero and I love him more than anything.

We're freezing up here!

So I can't even remember the last time I wrote. I suppose I should have read it before I started so I know what to update, but the fact of the matter is there's not a whole lot going on in the world of Harris right now. We're in Idaho, freezing our buns off. Leila is loving getting to be around her cousins and grandparents. I'm missing Kolt but really excited for when he comes back in 12 days. That's all. I'm hoping the weather gets better and we can start having some adventures, but I have this awful tendency to be a homebody.

Leila went through a phase where she wouldn't eat much of anything when we were moving, she has finally gotten past this and now is eating really well! So much so that she's nursing much less and because of this Kolt and I will be spending a couple of days alone when he gets here. I'm nervous, but very excited about having two days of just me and him in Jackson Hole. Leila will be in good hands with Grandma. My big reservation is her sleeping. Before we left she was pretty much sleeping through the night and since we've gotten here hasn't even come close. Lately she's been doing this super awesome thing of waking up about 30-50 minutes after I put her down. Last night she was screaming for quite a while. If I'm lucky she'll sleep from 10-4 but usually it's 10-1 or 10-3. Hopefully Grandma can handle that for two nights while we're apart.

Kolt is doing well in his training at Ft. Dix. He seems to be excelling at everything he does (which is no big surprise to me) but is anxious to be done and come home. We seem to have more of an idea of what he'll be doing once he gets to Afghanistan, and that helps ease my worries. He's also roommates with someone that is likely deploying to the same location, and he likes him a lot, this is very good news since he'll be stuck with him for 7 months.

I'm doing ok. I'm focused on him coming home right now and not thinking about deployment. I'll deal with that when it happens. At least I'm comfortable and settled in here now and am beyond blessed to have such great help from our family. Leila is starting to become quite a little handful and I can't imagine taking care of her alone for so long. I know plenty of women do that and more, but I'm glad that I don't have to.

Preparations are under way for my punkin's first birthday :( I can not believe this is just a few months away, where in the world has the time gone? She's trying so hard to pull up on everything and is crawling pretty well. She's such a joy and I love her so much and am so grateful everyday that she's my daughter.

I've decided I'm going to try and learn how to use our DSLR. Here's a few of the pics I snapped today:

Very Grateful

With all of the sad and feeling sorry for myself posts lately, just thought I'd take a moment to write a happy one. I have the BEST family, ever.

Mother's day started off on Saturday, when Kolt texted me and said I had money to go spend at a spa as my present :) I've always wanted to go do a body wrap or facial, (since I've had massages before) and now I can! I know it's hard for him to come up with anything considering we're a country apart and he's been traveling all over the place lately. So the fact that he remembered made my day. That evening my sister, brother in law, and I went to Red Lobster, one of my favorites :)

Sunday I woke up to a gorgeous plate of french toast, bacon, and 4 kinds of fruit. Rich and my nephew Brandon got up at 6am to make it for me, Piper, and Rich's mother. I got a card from my sister, along with a cookie monster card from Leila. (leila's favorite toy is a cookie monster that talks, so it was perfect) Then that evening I got to see my mother, enjoy a delicious brisket dinner, along with some delicious sides and dessert.

I was just so busy I didn't have time to feel sad. I did get emotional when my darling little niece Marissa gave me a card that she made herself. It was very thoughtful and she was so excited to give it to me. I just know without a doubt that they're going to take care of us while Kolt is away. I love them all, and am so grateful to get to be able to spend this time with them.

I hope all of my friends and family had a happy mother's day, because I certainly did. The only sad bit honestly was that Leila was sick. It was hard to tell because she was still a happy little baby, but she had a fever. She's all better now it seems, so I truly can't complain. I'm so thankful for that sweet little girl!

Emotional Day

Three years ago today I lost my baby boy. A lot of healing has gone on in the last three years. It's taken me a lot of heartache and pain to get to the point where I can talk about him now without breaking down. Much of that is thanks to my precious baby girl. She doesn't replace him, but she helps fill the void his loss left in my heart. I will never stop missing him, or wondering what he would be like and that's ok. That's part of being a mother, the love never stops.

I was alone last year when this day came and went, and while at least I'm not alone this year, Kolt and I are apart, again. Probably for the best as it's not really something we do anything for. I also think that's one of the differences between being a mother vs a father. It's not to say that Kolt doesn't miss him or wish he were here, he just doesn't live in the past and has moved on. Part of my heart will always yearn for that little boy, now two ways around it, that's just how it will always be.

I am beyond grateful for my perfect daughter. She keeps me going when I'm down. It doesn't matter how sad I am or how hard I've been crying, one smile from her gorgeous lips and everything is ok. She gives me purpose and hope. I try the best I can to be the best mother to her I can be. I was given another chance through her to be a mother after losing two babies, and I don't intend on letting her, or them, down.

Today my thoughts are full sadness for what could have been, happiness for what is, and anxiety for what's to come. All things considered, we are very blessed, and believe me, I don't forget that.

Whirl Wind

Things have been rather crazy since my last post. Our home on base was packed up and put into storage. Leila had her first Easter. We moved me and Leila up to Idaho, spent the long weekend with our great friends and family. Now it's over and Kolt is gone. Today he's in San Antonio getting everything ready to go to combat skills training, tomorrow he leaves for CST, and on Monday he begins his month of awesomeness training, learning how to be a "real" soldier.

I've been debating for weeks about how honest I'm going to be in my blogs now that the real countdown to deployment is on. Still haven't decided, truthfully. I feel like everyone expects me to be upbeat and proud and strong, all of which I am, but I just can't decide on how much, if any, vulnerability I'm going to show on here. I'm already feeling scrutinized and judged by some (which I'm sure is unintentional) and on the days that I'm feeling down and just really missing my man, not sure I'll be in the mood for a "buck up! this is what he joined for, be strong," yada, yada, yada. I'm sure some of you reading this understand that point.

Leila and I should be reunited with him in 34 days (yes, I'm counting. I know everybody says not to, but that's my personality and if you think it's a bad idea, you can bite me) in San Antonio. I am very much looking forward to that three weeks where there should be nothing to do, but just BE together. He's already out processed, filed for leave, and he shouldn't have to work. I'm working on planning some fun outings, trying to soak up every second of time we have together before he leaves.

I miss him already. It's stupid since I just saw him yesterday, but everything has been such a whirl wind I didn't really have time to process the fact that he was leaving until I was kissing him goodbye in the air port. It's his job, and I'm grateful for the opportunity he has to gain this experience and serve those soldiers fighting for our freedom in the Middle East, but that doesn't mean I can just give a quick hug and kiss and send him on his way. Maybe there are some that can, I am not one of those women. I will miss him every second that he's away, and I will be sad at everything he will miss our daughter experience and do, and I will cry, a lot. That's what I do. It doesn't mean that I'm depressed, it doesn't mean that I'm bitter that he's gone, but I feel like as a woman who's genuinely loves my man, it's my right to miss him and ache for him while he's gone. If that makes me weak, then so be it.

We had a great weekend with our friends and family. We surprised Kolt a few times with friends he didn't know he was going to get to see, which was fun. We went bowling and shopping and spent some good quality time together. I'm glad we were able to do all that for him. Here are some of the pics we took:

It's not that hard

Today I weighed myself and I'm down 60 pounds since Leila was born and am now 10 pounds less than I was when I got pregnant with her. This has been a long process for me and hasn't just been about dropping the weight, it's been about an entire life style change.

People look at weight loss like it's this daunting task and so impossible to do. Any time you report your positive results the first thing out of many peoples' mouths is "What's your secret??" And there in lies the problem. There is no secret. It's not about a diet, or pills, or specific work out regime that magically works when others may not. While it is important to figure out what YOU can work with and manage, it's honestly just about making a commitment to be healthy. To put health, wellness, and fitness above your love of fatty, processed, and unhealthy foods. It's about knowing that it's better to walk than take the drive when you can, using the stairs instead of the escalator, choosing REAL food and cooking it yourself, not buying pre-made instant meals and eating out at fast food chains all the time.

That's not to say you can't enjoy a little indulgence now and then. It's not practical to think you can only eat lean meats and veggies ALL the time. There's nothing wrong with going out and celebrating a special occasion with some amazing steak and creme brulee. I hate diets that restrict anything, it's an automatic set up for failure. We're human and I think it's in our nature to want what we can't have. That is why I don't have anything that is off limits to me. In fact I had three super delicious chocolate chip cookies yesterday and still lost 1 lb because the rest of my day was balanced. That's what it's all about, that's what the "secret" is. Balance.

Not that I'm an expert on the topic, these are just my thoughts based on the last 8 months of losing weight. Everybody stumbles, everybody has plateaus, everybody's body is different and struggles. And I truly believe your body has a "happy" zone in which that's where it performs the functions of daily living optimally. It may be 5-10 pounds more than your ideal and therefore the only way you can get there is to starve yourself. I think that's the point when it's time to realize it's not worth beating yourself into the ground and dreaming of food you refuse to eat to be your "ideal." As long as you are active, eat well, and do your best, that's all you can do.

Of course, I say it's easy now but when I get down to my last 10-20 lbs I may be singing a different tune, I know that. But I just don't understand why it's SO hard for Americans to realize that the secret to life long health and weight loss is eating well, eating smaller, healthy sized portions, and moving your body in some form or another. That's IT. No secret ingredients or patented methods here, just real life common sense. Wake up people, and take charge of your health and wellness!

Mixture of Emotions

Reality check. I'm moving back to Idaho in two weeks. TWO. Where in the world has the time gone? I have a mixture of emotions about this. On the one hand I'm really excited to be going home. No offense to the San Antonio residents out there, but this place is a $&*# hole. It's hot, and dirty, the drivers are insane, anything interesting to do is at least 20 miles or more away and with gas at $4 a gallon, it costs a fortune to go to the other side of town to see my friends. I'm just NOT going to miss San Antonio at all. My heart is in Idaho and it will be wonderful to be home for a while.

What I am sad about is leaving behind the friends I've made here. In one year I've made some fantastic friends and I will miss them terribly. Chrissy and her boys in particular, and not just because she takes such awesome pictures either (although she does), but because she's the only friend I have that "gets it." I have some amazing friends, but she's the one I go to when I'm frustrated, sad, anxious, scared or whatever about this deployment. She's been there, she knows, and nobody else does. He hasn't even left yet and there's still a bond among women who go through a deployment that no one else can understand or relate to, though they try. And besides that, she just gets me. Our men are equally stubborn at it's nice to talk to someone who understands. You'd think 8 months isn't really that long, but her little boy just turned 2 and I watched the video she made about his 2nd year and I saw how much changes in that time period. How much kids grow up and how much even their moms do too. I'm going to miss her like crazy, thank goodness for texting, skype, and facebook!

Yesterday Kolt and I were out shopping, gathering the little essentials he needs to help make his deployment easier and out of no where it hit me, he's REALLY going to leave. I'm about to move cross country with Leila and he's going to leave, fly across the world and live in a war zone. Of course I've known this forever, but sometimes it just randomly really strikes me and it hurts, and I cry. That man may drive me crazy some times, but I LOVE him with a fire and passion that burns deep in my soul. I know we'll survive without him, I know we'll be just fine, but oh how I'm going to miss him.

My posts may be few and far between for a while, not sure how many people read this and who actually cares, but I do promise to keep everyone up to date.

Here are some pictures that Chrissy recently took for us :)

The true nature of Titus and Leila's relationship