Three more days....

Yes, finally we're coming down to the home stretch. I leave on Friday to fly out to see my wonderful husband. To make things even better my flight leaves at noon and gets there at four, and each flight that I'm on is less than 2 hours and my layover is about 45 minutes so it should go by quickly! And to put the icing on the cake I'm about 95% certain Kolt will be the one to pick me up from the airport. There was talk for a while about potentially throwing in some more classes or activities and pushing back graduation to the afternoon and so he wouldn't be able to make the 3 hour drive to Pensacola to pick me up in time, but hopefully that discussion has passed and when I step off that plane and walk through to baggage, he will be there waiting for me.

I picture myself running to him. Yes I know this is dramatic and he'll probably laugh at how excited I am, after all it's only been 6 weeks. And I suppose running is a relative term...my ability to even walk fast is becoming a thing of the past thanks to my baby girl taking up all the spare room in my torso, but I see myself running to him and just wrapping myself up in his embrace. I've missed him so much. Oddly enough, one of the things I'm most looking forward to is feeling his scruffy face against mine. It's just one of those things that is so classically him and I've missed it.

We'll spend the weekend in Pensacola staying with one of his friends that he met at ASBC. They live on the naval base there and it will be fun to see what it's like. I'm afraid it may rain and put a damper on our beach weekend, but I don't care. As long as I'm with Kolt nothing else matters. I'll walk on the beach in the rain as long as there is no lightning. I just want to BE with him again.

I've been so so grateful for my friend Chrissy. We've really taken this time to bond while our men are away (her husband is deployed and I feel like a real schmuck for not spending time with her before, he'll be home in July). It's helped the time to go by so much faster having a friend to hang out with. We've gotten to the point now where we don't even need to do anything, just having another adult woman who understands what it's like to miss your husband is enough. She's headed out a few days after me to go back to South Carolina with her family for a few weeks, so when Kolt and I come home she'll be gone and I'll probably go through withdrawals. Kolt and Sean didn't get a ton of time to hang out before Sean deployed and don't know each other that well but we've decided that they're going to be friends whether they want to or not because we're hooked now :)

I'll update again when I'm in Alabama. I'll have about 4 days mostly on my own while Kolt does his next training. I'm hoping to have some pictures to upload then as well!

In Loving Memory

I've been struggling for weeks to try and figure out what I was going to "do" today. Today marks two years since we lost our first child, our baby boy. And while I couldn't be more grateful for the daughter we are soon to have, there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to that precious child, in a way that no one besides another mother who has lost a baby could ever understand.

My heart and soul was wrapped up in that pregnancy. We waited five years before starting to try for him, and I spent a very long, hard year waiting for Kolt to decide he was ready to try because I decided I was ready before he was. I spent month after month hoping I was pregnant only to find out I wasn't. And then blissfully, one sweet day....I was.

We told our whole families that first week after we found out. It was such a joyous occasion. I was pregnant for almost 13 weeks, I was sick, throwing up multiple times daily, I was pregnant in every sense of the word, until I wasn't.

The day we found out the baby had no heart be was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget the feeling when we realized that we would not be actually having a baby. Having to call everyone and "untell" them was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. But I survived through it, and I will survive through worse if I have to.

Now it seems though, that this baby's memory lives on only in my heart. I was the only one who really ever got to experience his life. Other's knew about it, were happy about, but I felt it, I lived it, I suffered through it. And now two years later, his very short life seems of little consequence to anyone but me.

I was asked earlier this week by someone how long it would be until I "got over" this. That two years later, the thoughts and memories of that experience still shouldn't haunt me, or hurt me, that I should be happy for what I do have and stop reflecting on the past. Ouch. How do you explain to someone, someone who should understand, that you miss someone that was in your life so briefly, so much? That I think about the fact that he would be 18 months old soon, that he would be walking and talking and bringing joy to our life that we never thought possible. How are you just supposed to "get over" that?

I feel like I'm doing SO much better than I ever have been. That I'm happy with my life and where it is, where it's going, and so unbelievably grateful for this baby girl we are about to have. But is it wrong to think, reflect, and mourn on the days leading up to and the day of his loss? Am I just supposed to think about it quietly, to myself, and not tell anyone because that means I'm focusing on it too much? Maybe so.

I am trying very much to focus on the positives in my life, and to really think outside of myself and realize that even though losing my babies has been a tragic event in my life, things could be so much worse than they are and truly I need to grateful and stop living in the past for them. I'm torn with that because I don't want to forget them, they are and always will be a part of me, but I'm hoping that I'm getting to a point where they no longer define who I am, because for years they have. Losing those babies completely changed me, it broke me. I was bitter and hurt and angry for a very very long time. And I know I'm coming to a point in my life where this is no longer the case, but I just don't want to forget them. They don't have to be what makes me who I am, but I don't want to stop thinking about them and just pretend like they never existed. How do I find that balance?

So this was the only thing I could think to do today. I think a grand total of about 15 people read this, and so that's not really that many other people besides myself that will think of him today. But I just want everyone to know that however brief a time he was here, that child touched my life, and I will always love him.

Doing Well

Well I'm half way done with my time away from Kolt!! I spent the first week watching two of my friend's wonderful daughters. It was so nice to have the company and we had a great time.

The next week I spent in Dallas at my grandmother's with her and my mom. This is a picture of my mom and me, look at my belly!!! She's finally starting to poke out :)

I also got to hang out with a very good old friend of mine, Katie. Katie and I grew up together but really hadn't spent any time together in 12 years. I got to spend 2 days with her and it was a blast. We still have so much in common and I wish we lived closer, but 4 hours is better than 2000 miles! I hope to see her a few more times this summer.

This last week I had a doctor appointment, 24 weeks. It went well. I've gained more weight than I wanted, a lot more, but it is what it is and I'm trying to be more careful and aware from now on. My belly measured 26.5 weeks (although I don't put much stock into the belly measurements) and my blood pressure and blood sugar are all looking good.

With the help of my friend Chrissy, we made baby girl a quilt this week! I don't feel like I did much but I did help sew and pick out the fabric! I think rather than go with a pre-done nursery I want to do my own based off of these colors. I've just fallen in love with the olive and cranberry and I think it will be very original. Hopefully I can pull it off!

One of my goals this week is to get the baby's room organized. There are two closets in her room and I want to empty out at least one of them. There is a decent amount of storage in this house, I just need to utilize it better. I want the room packed and cleaned so when Kolt gets home we can get to decorating!!

Kolt is having a really good time at ASBC. He's learned a lot and is enjoying the break from his regular RN duties I think. I talk to him most days and after this weekend he should be done with all of his big projects and will be able to relax more. This has been a good experience for him and it really hasn't been that bad for me. Granted I still have 3 weeks until I leave and I may get dreadfully bored but I am trying to keep busy!

Thanks to those of you who have been checking in on me and making sure I'm ok. I definitely have my hormonal days and days where I miss Kolt like crazy. I'm really disappointed that we won't get to be together on Mother's Day. It's the first one where I can officially celebrate it and I have a feeling the day will come and go and be nothing special as I'm here alone. But there's always next year!

It's a.....

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surprise surprise! We caved in and found out this week that we're having a beautiful little girl. My heart just melted when I saw her in the ultra sound room and realized that we're going to have a daughter. I've felt so strongly right from the get go that this little one was a boy that it nearly took my socks off.

Everything looked good (at least as far as we know) at the ultra sound. Baby girl has long arms and legs but her head circumference measure spot on for her due date, so looks like she's tall already :) She looked really skinny and lean in there too, maybe they all do at that stage. I swear she has her daddy's nose and lips, hopefully my eyes and hair! I can't wait to meet this precious child and hold her! 19 weeks to go!

On a not so happy note Kolt left today for Maxwell AFB in Montgomery, AL. He'll be there until May 28th, when he finally makes it home again. We've decided that most likely I will go out to visit on the 20th of May when his first training ends and before his second begins. That will be when we have the most time together. Right now it's feeling about fifty years away, but I hope the time passes quickly.

This week I should be taking care of my friends two daughters, ages 10 and 15 while she is out of town, and then the following week I'll be heading to Dallas to see my mom, aunt, and grandma and hopefully my friends as well. Those activities will definitely keep me busy, it's the remaining weeks after that that I'm worried will pass slowly.

Once we found out it was a girl I was all ready to get started on the nursery and buying clothes and things for our baby girl, but Kolt pretty much begged me to wait until he gets back to do anything in the nursery, so that will wait for him to get back. Basically my project while he's gone is to just clean and organize so when he gets back we can get it all done.

I will hopefully be having a shower in June and just started to work on my baby registry. I feel really overwhelmed at all of the things there are to pick and hope that we get a decent amount of supplies from the shower. At this point I'm registered at Babies-R-Us and no where else. If you are interested in getting our baby girl a gift (which of COURSE you don't need to, but if you feel the desire) you can look it up online at http://www.toysrus.com/registry/index.jsp with my name, Susannah Harris in San Antonio, Texas. Please keep in mind

if you look at it any time soon, it's VERY rough right now and I'll be working on fine tuning it over the next few months.

I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot from me over the next few months. I tend to want to write a lot when he's gone!

Going to miss Kolt

Well we found out on Tuesday that Kolt has been selected for ASBC training (no clue what it stands for, so don't ask, lol) in Montgomery, AL. He will be leaving NEXT FRIDAY. I'm in quite a bit of shock because it's happening so fast, but we knew he needed to go to this training and we're happy that it's now and not later, either middle of summer when going into labor might be inevitable, or shortly after the baby is born. It just really caught me off guard and it's all happening so fast.

It's great that he's going, this training looks great on his reviews for promotions, but he also got selected for another training right at the end of ASBC so he'll be gone from April 9th to May 29th. I will go out and visit hopefully the first weekend in May, and then again for the last week of his training and drive back with him. So if it goes like I am hoping, we won't be apart for more than 3 weeks. I'm just a little scared about being here all alone. When he left for COT I was with family and friends the whole time, so I wasn't really alone. While I do have friends here, they live on the other side of the city so it's not like I can pop over every time I'm feeling lonely! I know I'll be fine, but I just hate that we're missing out on this time alone together.

We're hoping to take a trip to the Florida Keys soon. We wanted to go in May but now we can't, so we're hoping for June. One last hurrah before the baby comes. It should be a great trip, I just hope he can get the time off!

The baby is growing nicely and I'm feeling kicks all the time now. It is wonderful! We can even feel the baby from the outside now and Kolt and my sister Piper both have gotten to feel the kicks :) I have an ultra sound on April 7th, right before he leaves! As of right now we are still not finding out the sex, so it will just a be a good look at the baby and all of his parts!

I just got back from Idaho on Tuesday and spend a wonderful week with my family. I even got to go to my nephew Ethan's baptism which was an honor. The trip went by quickly and it was hard to say goodbye since I don't know when I'll see them again, but I'm glad I got the chance to go.

I'll update next week with pictures from our ultra sound!

Awesome Family Fun

This has been a busy couple of weeks! Kolt's family came to visit us for Spring Break and we had such a blast. Brandi, Nathan, Ethan, Mialee, and McKenzie were here for 6 days and Kolt's parents are leaving tomorrow and will have been here for ten! It's been wonderful to get to spend the time with them.

It feels like we did EVERYTHING while they were here. We went to the Wild Animal Park at Natural Bridge, Sea World, Corpus Christi, and down town San Antonio. It was definitely an exhausting several days but so worth all the fun.

We took Kolt's parents up to Driftwood to the Salt Lick BBQ (yes it is Salt LICK, everyone thinks they're saying Lake lol) and it was the best meal I've ever eaten, bar none. I'm really excited to go back. It's in the hill country and a really pretty drive. Kolt says next time we're taking the S2000 and going on a more winding route :)

I am now 18 weeks pregnant and have been feeling the baby move for about two weeks! It is the most amazing feeling ever and I still get surprised every time I feel him. I'm so grateful to have made it this far!

I had an appointment at 17 weeks and everything is looking good. I have the anatomy scan ultra sound in a couple of weeks and am getting really excited! Kolt still doesn't want to find out the sex but I'm hoping that I can convince him to change his mind!! Doubtful, but we'll see.

I'm headed back to Idaho to visit my family on the 23rd and will be there for a week. I'm also going to get to spend a couple of nights with my best friend Lauren and her family! YAY!! All of these visits with family will make March fly by so fast! By the time I get back from Idaho it will be time for my ultra sound. We've had so much fun in March I hope April isn't a let down!

New pictures of our baby

Hello everyone. Greetings from the second trimester of my pregnancy!!! I've never been this pregnant before and it's been amazing to watch the pregnancy continue and develop. We went in for an ultra sound last Friday, Feb 12th to screen the baby for down's syndrome. It was such a great experience. Normally when I go in for an ultra sound I go to radiology where they aren't very pregnancy friendly. The dad is the only one who can see the screen and so during any given appt I got to see the baby for all of about 30 seconds. Well for this ultra sound they do it on the maternity floor with a screen for the mom's to look at as well. The baby was being stubborn and the tech had a hard time getting measurements so we got about a 45 minute session just getting to stare at our baby :)

We saw the baby kick and spin and do a full flip. (I'm calling the baby a him from now on, easier to say than "it". But we won't be finding out the sex so don't take that to mean that he will really be a he) We also got to see him sleep, this annoyed the tech because he was in the wrong position and so she shook him and made me turn from one side to another, and even get up and take a long walk. Over all it was just an amazing experience and I wish I had another ultra sound soon! My next and probably last one will be somewhere around the 18-20 week range.

Even though I'm out of the first trimester I'm still pretty sick. I was hoping it would magically go away, but so far it hasn't. I'm fine with it, it's kind of a pain in the butt, but I welcome the symptoms and the strong reassurance.

We're down to less than a month til Kolt's family gets here! I'm so excited to get to see them. I might get to go back to Idaho at the end of March after their visit. My sister has spring break then and Kolt will be doing a field training all of that week, so we're looking at me going back home to see my family. That's almost 3 weeks of family time in March, I hope! That will be so great!

I really think I'm finally starting to legitimately show now. For bed at night I wear t-shirts, the same ones I've always worn and they're pulling really tightly across my belly :) I told Kolt the other day I don't remember them ever being this tight before, he said that's because they haven't been :)

Here are the pictures. If you look in the last one the gestational sac is shaped like a heart, I didn't notice at first but a couple of friends pointed that out!