If peaches could bring on labor....

I'd be all set! Kolt and I went to the commissary yesterday to grocery shop and I told him I'd really been wanting fruit, but the problem is their selection is less than ideal. So Kolt had the bright idea to take a day trip up to Fredericksburg to buy some fresh locally grown produce. It took about an hour to get there and really looks like an adorable little town. We got peaches, tomatoes, and a cantaloupe, and OH MAN is it delicious! I've had a peach at every meal since and am loving every second of it! I'm also going to attempt to make a cobbler with the peaches, a real cobbler with real crust, not the yellow cake topping that they seem to use up north. We'll be accompanying that cobbler with some pork chops, hot rolls, and carrots. Mmmm.

I've really been slacking in my domestic duties the last few weeks, and I feel AWFUL about it. Kolt, bless his heart, has been a trooper and anytime I don't feel like cooking he's not complained once about eating out. And it's not so much that I don't want to cook, it's more along the lines of I just can't think of anything decent to eat, rather than I don't want to cook. Once the idea hits and I get hungry for it, then I'm all over it, but I'm completely at a loss for what to make and Kolt and I both have kind of been tired of the same old stuff. Last week I did do a cherry glazed pork chop (I've really been loving the pork lately) and a DELICIOUS fruit tart. The tarts were much easier than I expected, although I did cheat on the crust and bought pre-made ones, but in doing that it's about a 10 minute dessert that really isn't all that bad for you if you go with light or fat free cream cheese and splenda for the filling! I was really proud of myself and will definitely have to make it for my family when they come to visit.

Ok, enough about food, you'd think I was starving since that's all I'm talking about but I really did just eat lunch lol.

On the baby front, I had my first real contraction yesterday and oh man did it hurt. Like nothing I've ever felt or experienced before, and it was much different than what I thought a contraction would feel like. It was a serious reality check for me and if that's what labor is, a whole bunch of THOSE stacked on top of each other, I know there's no way I can go with out an epidural. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not a hero and am not looking to suffer through my birthing experience. I'm open to anything and we'll see how it goes, but no longer am I thinking that I'll be able to "tough it out."

We finally got Kolt an appointment for his eye surgery, his consult is first thing tomorrow morning and hopefully before we leave we'll have a date set for the actual surgery. I'm thinking (wishing) that it will be sometime Friday-Tuesday. It's supposed to be a rough recovery and he needs at least a week. I'm really anxious for this to get done because once it's completed, that's the last thing holding me back from wanting baby girl to come. Not to mention Kolt will be able to SEE. Never having needed glasses myself I can't say I know what it's like, but I know it will be wonderful for him to no longer be dependent on the blasted things!!!

People keep saying that the end of the pregnancy goes by the slowest, and I know there's still plenty of time for things to slow down, but to be honest, I feel like time is FLYING by. Once I got to 32 weeks it just seems like everything is in fast forward. I mean, I'm almost 37 weeks, we've got just over 3 weeks until her due date. THREE WEEKS. Holy crap. Not that we're not ready, but this whole pregnancy has just been surreal and to finally, after all these years, get to hold my precious child, well, I honestly just can't believe we've finally made it.

Can't sleep

It's 2 am and I'm still awake. I'm sure I can blame it on several factors. 1- I woke up around 10:30 this morning, although that's really not that unusual for me. 2- I had 2 glasses of Dr. Pepper around 2030, although again, not THAT weird. 3- I had an awful headache and lied down from about 1700-1800, but I swear I didn't sleep. Whatever the reason, I'm still awake and Kolt's been asleep for about 3 hours and I just couldn't lie in bed, flopping back and forth side to side, trying to shut my mind down. I can NOT shut it down tonight. I don't really even have anything pressing on my mind, nevertheless, here I am NOT sleeping like I so very much wish I was.

I had the very distinct privilege of getting to be at the airport today when my friend Chrissy's husband Sean came home from deployment today. He's in the same unit as Kolt but I never got to meet him before he left for Afghanistan, so this was my first experience. I felt awful for her as his final leg home from Dallas was delayed by an hour (pretty much the WHOLE flight time as I think it takes about 45 minutes to get from here to there by plane.) It was a wonderful experience for me though and I'm so glad to have been a part of it. As much trouble as I was having last week thinking about Kolt potentially leaving next year, this made me feel better about it. They DO come home eventually. It's not forever, you get through it, they come home, and you move on. It's all part of the military life style we've chosen, and it's nice to see the flip side of a deployment: a beautiful reunion. Not that it makes me any more prepared to deal with it, but seeing the happy ending does help me to realize that it's worth it.

Alright, I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Hopefully I'm successful or I'm going to be a zombie tomorrow! Even more so than usual.

I really need to stop watching Army Wives

Thanks to my good friend Chrissy, I've become addicted to Army Wives. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a bunch of women who live on an Army base in South Carolina that are friends and who's husbands are in the Army. The men vary in rank from a Sgt. to a Two Star General. All in all I do find it to be mostly accurate of what it's like to be a military wife and it's nice to see something on TV that can relate to me and my situation.

Well this week, all of the men are deploying. One of the women is about 7 months pregnant I think and her husband is going to miss everything, the birth, and most of the baby girl's first year of life. I cried and cried and cried when I watched this, watched the women say good bye to their men, watched them load up in a C-17 and fly away. Not because I feel bad for them, I'm well aware of their fictional status in the universe, but because all I could think about was "how in the world am I ever going to do that?"

I know this is what we signed up for, and no Kolt doesn't have orders to deploy yet. His band is up for deployment beginning June 2011, so just under a year to go. Two of our good friends are tasked to deploy in November and found out in May, and so I'm hoping we will have that much time to prepare as well, but who knows? My best friend here had 4 days notice for her husband to deploy. So there's really no planning or telling when it's actually going to happen. But the fact of the matter is it WILL happen. Unless something major happens in Afghanistan, Kolt will go. And even if something did change over there I'm guessing they'd find somewhere else to send him. EVERYONE goes, everyone takes their turn. It's how it is and how we expected it to be and I'm not even going to entertain the thought that he might not go. It's absurd to think otherwise.

That being said, I do need to try and be grateful that he's in the band he's in and going when he is. I've got a friend that I met online who's husband is also in the Air Force, she is due the same day I am with her first baby boy, their 3rd child. Her husband is set to deploy in August and had to beg someone that's already there to stay two more weeks so he might have a shot to be there for the birth of their first son. He might get to be there for the birth and then he's gone for 6 months. I can't even imagine trying to raise our daughter through the first 6 months of her life alone. I can't imagine him not being there. So in that aspect I am very grateful. BUT, he will be gone most likely for her first steps, first words, first birthday. Lots of very important firsts, and there's no getting that back. I honestly think he'd probably rather be gone in the beginning and be around when she's turning into a toddler than miss what he's going to. It's no secret that he's not super crazy about babies but LOVES toddlers. So I can't imagine how hard it is on him to know that he's going to miss all of that.

I know that deploying will be best for him and us as a family in the long run. It will likely help his chances of being allowed to go to graduate school, it will help him with promotions down the road. It will be a good experience for him and is one of the reasons he joined in the first place. But the actual reality of him leaving, being gone for that long, tears at my heart. For my sake, but more so for our daughter's. That's why we'll move in with his parents while he's gone, so that she can be around grandpa (the closest thing to daddy she can get as they are JUST alike). I think it will be the best thing for her to have her Papa around while Daddy is gone. And I'm SO grateful for the chance to get to be around family and friends and not stuck here in San Antonio while he's gone. I'm not sure I'd make it if I couldn't have the family support.

I think it's just the hormones of pregnancy, of being close to delivery, and watching that wonderful but stupid TV show, but anytime I think about this I just start to cry. Words can never describe how much that man means to me. He may drive me nuts, he may be an ass some times and rough around the edges, but at the end of the day there's no one on Earth I'd rather spend the rest of my life with, and no one else I'd want to raise our daughter with. And the thought of being with out him, and my baby girl being with out her daddy, just breaks my heart.

Nursery Pic

This is a panoramic shot of the wall decal we put up in her room. The flash kind of distorted the wall color, it's a little more green than that, but you get the gist! Kolt spent 3 different evenings and about 7 hours putting this up. I think there was over 150 little flowers to put on the wall! It takes up a whole 12 ft wall and adds SO much to the room. I appreciate him so much for doing it as there is no way I could have!!

There isn't a whole lot more to take pics of at this point. We still have a large queen bed and headboard/footboard in there that take up the WHOLE room, so we can't set up her crib yet :( But since family will be coming to stay after she's born we'd figured they'd better have a place to sleep.

We do have other little decorative items, new handles that are flowers the same color as those on the wall to go on a shelf that we have, a beautiful lamp, and various Winnie the Pooh items that I've collected over the years that are on that shelf. We were going to make curtains but can't find fabric we love, and it's a HUGE window, so that makes it very expensive. At this point we've decided to go with a white curtain and just get a valance that matches the room, that seems to be easier to find.

We have pretty much everything we need for the baby. We went shopping last weekend and all we're really lacking at this point is a diaper bag! I found one online but Kolt seems hesitant to go on ahead and buy it because it's not available to see in person. But we do have to get one, and soon! We have just been SO unimpressed with the ones we've seen in stores here. I didn't think this would be that hard!

I've been having quite a bit of Braxton Hicks contractions lately. They picked up after our two days of shopping last week and seem to act up all the time now. Nothing painful or anything I can't manage, but just letting me know my body is practicing for the big day!

This whole pregnancy I've thought I would deliver a few days late, on August 23rd, but now I'm kind of thinking that I'll go early. Just subtle changes in my body that make me think maybe I'll go sometime during the 39th week, which would be wonderful!

Kolt's 30th birthday is coming up and I'm trying to come up with something special for him. I think I may send him out with some guy friends and go on a guided fishing tour on the gulf. I won't be able to go because I'm too pregnant at this point, but I know it would be so fun for him and I don't want his birthday to go unnoticed or overlooked because of the baby. Hopefully we can come up with something he'll enjoy!

I'm also thinking of celebrating my birthday early since I'll have a 3 week old on my birthday, doesn't seem like I'll be in the mood for much fun lol. I'm thinking a nice spa day with some of my girlfriends, and maybe Kolt and I can stay in a nice hotel downtown and do a late night river boat cruise or something. We'll see, but I'm looking forward to it!

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow. Everyone keeps saying how little time there is left. On the one hand yes it seems like not that much, on the other it seems like she's never going to get here!

Really been slacking

I apologize to those of you who actually bother to follow this! Since Kolt has gotten home we've been busy trying to squeeze in the last bits of fun and travel that we can until the baby comes, and of course prepping for the baby's arrival. But I wanted to take a minute and do a quick update.

As of today I am 33 weeks 5 days pregnant. Baby girl moves like crazy and is growing like a weed. I now know what it means to be "third trimester" pregnant. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and not a whole lot of fun. If the baby didn't move so much it would be very hard to deal with. I am SO grateful to have made it this far and to know that at this point we WILL have our precious little girl soon, but it's hot in Texas, and it hurts to be on my feet, and I feel like I'm about to explode. Just about 6 weeks to go!!!!

Kolt's parents are coming to visit when the baby is born as is my mother. I'm very excited to have them here, I just hope baby girl cooperates and comes on time or maybe even a bit early. But as long as she's here safe and sound I truly don't care.

My next appointment is at 36 weeks and then I go every week from there on out. Baby has been measuring right on or a smidge ahead which is good. Heart rate is always good and my vitals have been ok.

Things are coming along in her room and when they're done I'll get some pictures up. We have the walls painted and some decor up, but I still want to find some fabric and make her curtains and bed skirt. We finally had her shower and it was a blast. Not a whole lot of people could make it, but the people I wanted to be there were there and that's all that matters. Kolt and I plan on wrapping up her shopping soon so we can just enjoy the last few weeks before she gets here!

Kolt has finally made the switch to the Army hospital and is really enjoying it so far. His schedule has been great so far, and the army nurses and commanders have all been very polite and good to get along with. There is a shuttle that can get him there much faster than he can drive himself and so I've been taking him to the shuttle and picking him up in the afternoon. It's been working out nicely. It also looks like they only have to work 1.5 weekends a month and 2 months of grave yard shifts a year. AND they get to self schedule :) Couldn't really ask for anymore than that.

Over all things are going well down here. Even the weather has been somewhat forgiving. We're a week into July and it hasn't hit 100 yet. In fact it's been in the 80s mostly the last 2 weeks courtesy of Hurricane Alex and some other tropical storms. I'll take the rain if it means a break from the heat!

Thank you to all who participated in my shower or have given gifts to the baby. Everything is greatly appreciated. I can't wait until she's here and we can actually post pics of her!!

Three more days....

Yes, finally we're coming down to the home stretch. I leave on Friday to fly out to see my wonderful husband. To make things even better my flight leaves at noon and gets there at four, and each flight that I'm on is less than 2 hours and my layover is about 45 minutes so it should go by quickly! And to put the icing on the cake I'm about 95% certain Kolt will be the one to pick me up from the airport. There was talk for a while about potentially throwing in some more classes or activities and pushing back graduation to the afternoon and so he wouldn't be able to make the 3 hour drive to Pensacola to pick me up in time, but hopefully that discussion has passed and when I step off that plane and walk through to baggage, he will be there waiting for me.

I picture myself running to him. Yes I know this is dramatic and he'll probably laugh at how excited I am, after all it's only been 6 weeks. And I suppose running is a relative term...my ability to even walk fast is becoming a thing of the past thanks to my baby girl taking up all the spare room in my torso, but I see myself running to him and just wrapping myself up in his embrace. I've missed him so much. Oddly enough, one of the things I'm most looking forward to is feeling his scruffy face against mine. It's just one of those things that is so classically him and I've missed it.

We'll spend the weekend in Pensacola staying with one of his friends that he met at ASBC. They live on the naval base there and it will be fun to see what it's like. I'm afraid it may rain and put a damper on our beach weekend, but I don't care. As long as I'm with Kolt nothing else matters. I'll walk on the beach in the rain as long as there is no lightning. I just want to BE with him again.

I've been so so grateful for my friend Chrissy. We've really taken this time to bond while our men are away (her husband is deployed and I feel like a real schmuck for not spending time with her before, he'll be home in July). It's helped the time to go by so much faster having a friend to hang out with. We've gotten to the point now where we don't even need to do anything, just having another adult woman who understands what it's like to miss your husband is enough. She's headed out a few days after me to go back to South Carolina with her family for a few weeks, so when Kolt and I come home she'll be gone and I'll probably go through withdrawals. Kolt and Sean didn't get a ton of time to hang out before Sean deployed and don't know each other that well but we've decided that they're going to be friends whether they want to or not because we're hooked now :)

I'll update again when I'm in Alabama. I'll have about 4 days mostly on my own while Kolt does his next training. I'm hoping to have some pictures to upload then as well!

In Loving Memory

I've been struggling for weeks to try and figure out what I was going to "do" today. Today marks two years since we lost our first child, our baby boy. And while I couldn't be more grateful for the daughter we are soon to have, there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to that precious child, in a way that no one besides another mother who has lost a baby could ever understand.

My heart and soul was wrapped up in that pregnancy. We waited five years before starting to try for him, and I spent a very long, hard year waiting for Kolt to decide he was ready to try because I decided I was ready before he was. I spent month after month hoping I was pregnant only to find out I wasn't. And then blissfully, one sweet day....I was.

We told our whole families that first week after we found out. It was such a joyous occasion. I was pregnant for almost 13 weeks, I was sick, throwing up multiple times daily, I was pregnant in every sense of the word, until I wasn't.

The day we found out the baby had no heart be was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget the feeling when we realized that we would not be actually having a baby. Having to call everyone and "untell" them was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. But I survived through it, and I will survive through worse if I have to.

Now it seems though, that this baby's memory lives on only in my heart. I was the only one who really ever got to experience his life. Other's knew about it, were happy about, but I felt it, I lived it, I suffered through it. And now two years later, his very short life seems of little consequence to anyone but me.

I was asked earlier this week by someone how long it would be until I "got over" this. That two years later, the thoughts and memories of that experience still shouldn't haunt me, or hurt me, that I should be happy for what I do have and stop reflecting on the past. Ouch. How do you explain to someone, someone who should understand, that you miss someone that was in your life so briefly, so much? That I think about the fact that he would be 18 months old soon, that he would be walking and talking and bringing joy to our life that we never thought possible. How are you just supposed to "get over" that?

I feel like I'm doing SO much better than I ever have been. That I'm happy with my life and where it is, where it's going, and so unbelievably grateful for this baby girl we are about to have. But is it wrong to think, reflect, and mourn on the days leading up to and the day of his loss? Am I just supposed to think about it quietly, to myself, and not tell anyone because that means I'm focusing on it too much? Maybe so.

I am trying very much to focus on the positives in my life, and to really think outside of myself and realize that even though losing my babies has been a tragic event in my life, things could be so much worse than they are and truly I need to grateful and stop living in the past for them. I'm torn with that because I don't want to forget them, they are and always will be a part of me, but I'm hoping that I'm getting to a point where they no longer define who I am, because for years they have. Losing those babies completely changed me, it broke me. I was bitter and hurt and angry for a very very long time. And I know I'm coming to a point in my life where this is no longer the case, but I just don't want to forget them. They don't have to be what makes me who I am, but I don't want to stop thinking about them and just pretend like they never existed. How do I find that balance?

So this was the only thing I could think to do today. I think a grand total of about 15 people read this, and so that's not really that many other people besides myself that will think of him today. But I just want everyone to know that however brief a time he was here, that child touched my life, and I will always love him.