The very end of pregnancy is torturous for many reasons. First because the baby you've been growing for nine months is huge and takes up all extra room and makes you miserable. I attempted to put on shoes with laces the other day, what a joke. This is why I wear flip flops 95% of the time. It was like trying to bend over a bowling ball. As the baby 'prepares for delivery' he drops, which puts an insane amount of pressure on your bones and pelvis and hurts like nothing else. And there's no relief. Lying down in bed only works for a little while before the weight of the baby puts enough pressure on my blood vessels and nerves that I go numb on that side and have to flip over. THAT is a laughable event all it's own, turning over to my other side. It goes on like that all night long so that the longest amount of sleep I've gotten at once in months is 2-3 hours. I actually look forward to sleepless nights caused by breast feeding, instead of pain and discomfort.

Aside from the physical agony, the emotional agony is equally awful. Hoping every pain is the start of labor, wondering constantly when the dang kid will get here, EVERYONE you know calling, texting, facebook-ing you and asking 'had that baby yet?' Do you honestly think I'd have the baby and NOT tell the entire free world? Really??? This baby is going to be gorgeous, you'd better believe I'll be spamming everyone with pictures. Thanks for asking and reminding that I'm still pregnant with no end in sight though. I appreciate it.  (I know it's all in innocence and excitement, but gosh it gets old).

I spent most of last evening/night thinking I was finally going into labor. (This experience is new for me because I never actually did with Leila, my water broke without me having contractions and so they whole timing them thing is foreign). I went to the store and noticed a TON of pressure walking around. I was anxious to get home and go for a walk to 'get things going' and we did. Following Kolt's walking  pace is no easy task when not pregnant, imagine trying to keep up with that man 9 months pregnant (think quack quack quack, waddle waddle waddle). He kept me speed walking for about half an hour and then we went home to watch the debate.

I wasn't having any contractions but had a lot of pain and pressure. I got Leila to bed and went to bed myself and around 11:30 felt my first contraction. I ignored it, figuring if it was really starting, there would be more and whenever I bust out my contraction counter app, inevitably they stop. After several more contractions I decided to start timing. They were about 10 minutes apart and I was starting to get excited, thinking this was possibly the start of it. This continued for about three more hours when I finally realized that they were slowing down and then I fell asleep. This morning I was still in a lot of pain but no more contractions. Blah. Stupid false labor kept me up all night long for no good reason.

I have my next appointment on Friday and then another appointment on the 23rd, my actual due date. If I make it to the 23rd we'll schedule an induction at that point. I'm hoping I don't make it that far and even though last night's 'excitement' wasn't the real deal, it's my body gearing up and baby will be here this weekend. Fingers crossed any how.

And I promise, you will all be getting texts/pics/info if something legit is happening. I won't let anyone know until I'm admitted and we're certain it's going to happen. If it's the middle of the night, we'll let everyone know at an appropriate hour the following morning. Hopefully it happens soon.

Having a rough time lately

I'm never going to write about how my kids sleep ever again. It's just an invitation for them to prove me wrong. Leila's sleep has of course gotten very messed up. I can't figure out why and it stresses me out beyond belief because I won't be able to keep doing what I'm doing once the baby is here. I keep hoping it's a phase and will pass, but coming on three weeks into this new trend and I'm beginning to think it's a permanent change.

I've gotten a lot of advice on how to fix it, some wanted, some not, and I realize that if I don't want to hear other people's opinions on the matter, I need to just stop asking for help, or talking about it in general. Everyone has something that works for them, but ultimately my kid is different, circumstances are different, life in general is different, and so I just have to figure it out for myself. I've become a huge emotional basket case because of this, crying all of the time, feeling like a failure as a mother, questioning how in the world I'm going to take care of two kids when the one I have can't sleep, and one that's going to be nursing every hour or two. I keep wondering am I going to screw my son up too? Is it my fault Leila won't sleep? What can I do differently, but ultimately do I WANT to implement huge changes to her life mere weeks from bringing another baby into this family? No, I don't honestly. So yea, I'm stuck.

These hormones are just completely messing me up. Last night I was in the bathroom before bed and I heard a whistle. At that same time my dog growled (which she doesn't do once she's gone to sleep for the night) and I became intensely terrified. The whistle sounded like it came from my living room and I thought for sure someone was in my house. I didn't know what to do, so I called Kolt to see if maybe he'd gotten sent home from work. By the time he answered his phone I was sobbing because I was so scared. He being the calm one in the midst of a crisis said it was probably the neighbor, calling in the dog for the night. We live so close to them that it sounded like it was from inside my house. Duh. Of course that's all it was. As though a home invader would whistle to announce his presence?

Even once I realized that's all it was, it was a good twenty minutes before I could calm down and stop crying. Apparently I'm useless in the event of an actual burglary. I didn't even have the instinct to run up stairs and protect my daughter. I just locked my door and started shaking and crying. What kind of mother does that??? That added to my feelings of complete incompetence and inadequacy as a mother.

I know eventually it will all come together. That when the baby is born and we're home it will be hard, but we'll figure it out. I know that stressing about things like Leila's lack of sleep and late bed time are pointless right now. I'm a few short weeks away from giving birth and I don't need to make things harder on myself than they already are by worrying. Some times I just need to vent though. Some times I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself without being given an answer to try and fix it. Some times I need to just be allowed to be upset. It eventually passes. Hopefully I can get a hold of myself and get back to being excited that the baby is going to be here very soon. I'm trying to get to that happy place, trying to just enjoy my daughter and our last days with just us. I'm trying, it's all I can do.

Hang on there, Jr.

Things have been getting a little more exciting around here, annoying for me, but exciting none the less. Ever since my 32 week appointment I've been having contractions. Noticeable at first and then as the week persisted on, painful and more regular. By Wednesday they were accompanied by lower back pain and I decided I'd better go in and get checked out. Five hours at the labor and delivery triage unit and what they told me was good news, yet not what we expected or believed to hear. It would appear I'm right on the cusp of needing concern. The doctor said after 34 weeks they don't intervene to stop labor, I'm almost 34 weeks. I'm dilating (went from a 1 to a 2 in a week) but not effacing, so they're not really concerned. My cervix is also shortening (went from 35mm to 28 mm in a week, anything less than 30 is supposedly concerning) and they said it was probably fine. So they sent me home, said to resume normal activity and come back if the contractions get to be more than six in one hour.

Kolt and I did not quite share their lax attitude. While yes, I am almost 34 weeks now, I am in no rush for this baby to get here. Six weeks premature is still too soon for my comfort and it seems that when I'm active, or pick up Leila or her toys, or even just sit in an uncomfortable position for too long, the stupid things come back. Last night we were at a restaurant with our friends for 2.5 hours and it seems like the whole evening was one LONG contraction. I was hurting really badly and starting to get scared. Thankfully once I got home they calmed down and as long as I take it easy, they're ok. So I'm sort of on self imposed limited duty.

All of this has made me realize just how soon Jr could be here. (He's still nameless and will likely remain so until he's born). A matter of a few weeks and I could be holding my son. I can't even fathom that concept, but these constant and persistent pains made me realize just how imminent his presence is. Most of us are thinking somewhere in the 37-38 week range he'll make his appearance, but I can see him being stubborn and starting all of this early just to give me grief. It makes planning for family to come to visit very difficult. It's made me realize just how perfect Leila's arrival was and how I shouldn't plan on it again. I hope for my own sake I'm not pregnant until or past my due date if this keeps up and continues to get worse because it hurts and is exhausting. This didn't start until 36 weeks with Leila and wasn't nearly this intense even until 38-39 weeks.

I shouldn't complain though. All things considered I have very easy pregnancies and healthy babies. Things could be so much worse or more precarious and I need to remember that. I just know that I do need to take it easy because it's just too soon for him to be here. Two to three more weeks and I'll relax, three to four would be ideal.

Now, a little bragging on my baby girl's part. She now sleeps in her own room, all the time. I rock her to sleep, but I truly don't mind right now. I'm cherishing every minute the two of us have because I know very soon her whole world is about to be flipped upside down. I love that she wants me to hold her, needs me to be there for her. I'm sure once Jr is here it will be hard and we'll have to adjust, but there are just no words to describe the feelings I have holding her as she falls asleep. I love her so much, am amazed at the incredible person she is, feel so fortunate to be her mother, and have no clue how I'm supposed to love another child as much as I love her. I know I will, I know will it be easy and come naturally, but Leila is just such a joy and I'm so grateful to have her.

Family Pics

This week we had my amazingly talented friend Chantal take family pictures of us, and a few maternity shots of me. Some how I managed to be pregnant during the Texas summer again and it was pretty hot out. Not as hot as it could be, but the humidity killed us. I spent an hour on my hair that morning, for what reason I have no idea. As soon as I stepped outside it fell flat. But the pictures are gorgeous and I'm very grateful. We went to the Botanical Gardens in Austin and it was the perfect place to take them, just wish it had been March or November instead of mid-July.

I would have liked to have been a bit more pregnant before doing 'maternity' shots, but my sweet friend is moving before we get back from our trip to Idaho, so we had to take advantage of her talent and generosity while we could. It seems like every friend I make moves away, and this one isn't even military related. She has many more talents and fantastic qualities besides photography and I'm going to miss her like crazy.

Checking In

Not much going on in the world of Harris. My pregnancy is going well so far, though I've already gained a ton of weight. It is what it is, but it seems like unless I starve myself I gain 1-3 pounds a week, ug. I know I will lose it, but am frustrated at how quickly it's piling on. Oh well, I'm healthy, baby is healthy, and in 4 months I can work on losing it.

I had my 10 year class reunion this past weekend. I didn't actually graduate from Alpine High School, but I spent my entire childhood there and my old best friend was in charge of the planning and very thoughtfully invited me. We went back to Alpine and had a great time. I hadn't been since 1998 but everything was pretty much the same. My classmates were friendly and warm, even to Kolt. My old house was updated, but still mostly the same as I remember. It was fun to go and we plan on going back in the winter so we can go to Big Bend Natl Park as well and do some outdoor activities.

Leila is gorgeous and hilarious as ever. Also frustrating, stubborn, and picky as hell. But we love her to death and she keeps the day interesting. She talks up a storm, speaking in full sentences all of the time now and says some of the funniest things. She likes to pick out her clothes and ours as well. She doesn't like the dogs or Kolt to snuggle me at all so I'm quite worried about how she'll adjust to the new baby. It's going be hard, I know, but I try not to stress because I know it does no good.

We're headed back to Idaho in a few weeks for a couple of weeks and we're both really excited. Going out to Alpine and being in the mountains made us both home sick. We plan on having both Kolt and Leila's birthday parties while we're out there. I had grand plans of a gorgeous Minnie Mouse themed party for Leila, until I realized how much work it was going to be and I just didn't want to stress it. She doesn't care about homemade decorations or cute foods. So we're having it at the splash pad in Rexburg, pizza, chips, and maybe a homemade cake. I'm still debating going all out on the cake or just buying an ice cream cake. We'll see.

We have no name for this little boy. His middle name is Thayne, that much is decided, but all we have is _______ Thayne Harris. We like traditional, normal names so if anyone has suggestions, we'll take them :)

Take a chill pill

I need to loosen up. I have a tendency to freak out when things don't go the way I planned, or when my child is acting like the toddler she is, or when I have something that I want to do and it doesn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I had a bad day the other day. Leila was being more crazy than usual and acting up and breaking things and making messes (all of which I know are perfectly normal toddler behaviors) and by the end of the day, I just lost it. I made a whiney facebook post about it, got lots of good feedback and sympathy, and appreciated the ability to vent, but now I realize that it probably just made me look like an incompetent mother. Those with lots of kids or older kids all laughed I'm sure about my gigantic fear of having a second child and a toddler. "Haha just you wait, you think your life is crazy now? Muahahaha." Is what I imagine going through all of their minds. I'm not a neat freak, I'm not OCD about how things are arranged, but it does drive me bonkers when Leila gets toys out just to get them out and doesn't play with them. It drives me nuts when she decides she's done with her food and turns it upside down to empty her plate or bowl. It makes me crazy when I've asked my dogs for the hundredth time to stay out of the kitchen while we eat (because then Leila likes to throw them her food) and they keep coming back and begging for more.

It does me no good to stress about all of this.  Logically I understand this. And yet I still lose my temper and scream at my dogs. I still cry after Leila has made a huge mess for the tenth time that day. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe not. I do know that if I'm going to survive with two kids and a husband that deploys semi frequently that I've got to learn to chill out. My kid is crazy but she's also incredibly smart and funny. She brightens my days up and is full of love and joy. She tests my patience but is also the first to come and hug me and give me a kiss when I break down from being stressed about stupid things. This is just a difficult age. Old enough to know what she wants, not quite old enough to always say so in a way I always understand. Strong enough to climb up on everything and try to jump off and fly, not wise enough to understand the danger. She will eventually get there, and I just need to try and enjoy the ride until that day comes. Because then I'm sure I'll see my little girl all grown up, and wonder what in the world happened to my baby.

**As a side note, we found out baby #2 is a boy! We couldn't be more thrilled.**

Making Friends

I figured being a military wife that I would learn to make friends, and I'd see those friends come and go. I also planned on there being an awesome community of wives so that it would be easy to make friends. Yea not so much. Even living on base our neighbors never spoke to us, but to be fair I never made an effort either. I'm not the type of person to go knock on someone's door and say "hey would you be my friend??" It seems so pathetic. I feel like if they're looking for friends, they'll find me. As a result, I have precious few friends here. Two of them are in the USAF themselves and work and so I don't get to spend as much time with them as I'd like. I need to build up an group of fellow stay at home moms like myself. One's who are alone with their kids all day every and bored as much as I am. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home with my daughter and wouldn't have it any other way, but I get lonely and the days drag. I feel like such a loser trying to make friends, it takes me back to my childhood. Am I cool enough, popular enough, pretty enough? It's pathetic and I know it, but it's how I feel.

I don't really have any good place to meet people either, that's my biggest problem. There is no unity or community among Kolt's co-workers, or they're all older and in a different place in their lives. Leila isn't in pre-school or anything like that and while I would love a play group, I have no clue how to find one or create one when I don't know anyone. I've thought about organizing a block party as my neighborhood is new and none of us know anyone, but it's a busy street and I'm not sure the best way to go about it. I just feel bored, lonely, and trapped some days. I need to fix this before next summer when Kolt deploys again (nothing is for certain but I'm sure he will). I need a good social network to rely on and no one is going to create one for me. Some how I need to break out of my shell and meet people, if anyone has any tips or suggestions, I'd appreciate them.